Getting pregnant was not easy, my pregnancy was not easy, and although it only took 20 minutes to push H out, the actual childbirth experience wasn't easy so I am not sure why I expected the first few weeks at home to be any different!
The first two weeks were hard. REALLY HARD. Breastfeeding was not working, the only time she would latch was when I had someone else to help me (lactation consultant.) And that was extremely frustrating. I was in a lot of pain dealing with recovery from my third degree tear and my emotions were ALL over the place. I did not immediately fall in love with H. I loved her, but it wasn't what I expected. I waited all of 7 days before I realized I was not okay and I reached out to my doctor. She saw me quickly and agreed that it would be best for my to go on meds for a few months just to try and balance me out. Within a week after starting the meds and also coming to the decision that breastfeeding just wasn't working, I felt like a new person.
There is a big push to breastfeed, I did lots of research and I know the benefits and although I really wanted it to work, between her being tongue tied, battling depression, and having to pump every 2-3 hours 24 hours a day I just couldn't do it. For a day or two I felt selfish and then I realized it was the best decision I could have ever made. Both my husband and family were extremely supportive and H took to the Newborn Enfamil really well. AND, I was FINALLY bonding with my little girl.
What I have realized over these last few months is that important decisions like this are really no one else's business. What works for one family may or may not work for another, and that is OK. There is also nothing wrong with asking for help. I feel like I am a better mom because of those hard decisions I had to make so early on.
After getting past those first few weeks I have been head over heels in love with this little girl. I literally cannot get enough of her. She looks and acts very similarly to me and I just love it. She goes from calm to screaming her head off in 2 seconds when she is hungry or has had enough of something. She is full of smiles and all sorts of different expressions, even a few giggles here and there. This last week she has started to sleep through the night. Last night she went down at 7:30 pm, got up for a feed at 4:30 in the morning and then back down until 7 am.
There is so much more I want to say but the thoughts don't flow as easily as they used to now that my mind is occupied 120% of the time with H haha!
I am completely ECSTATIC for all of the women who have had babies over these past few months and although I don't post/comment much, I love all the pictures. Those of you still in the trenches, my heart breaks for you...I will never understand why something that can bring people so much love can sometimes be so difficult to obtain.
One last thing...the feelings about my infertility have not gone away. Some of my friends are beginning to announce they are pregnant with their second and I cannot help but feel a little sad. I don't know what the future holds for P and me, and future children. I do know we have one frozen embryo and we have decided to continue to keep it frozen until we are ready to try again. But, if that doesn't work, I guess we will try IVF again. The thought of putting us through that again overwhelms me, but we got Harper out of it the first time and I would do it all over again to have her...in a heartbeat
