Everytime I get ready to blog, I stop. I don't know why. None of this has happened the way I pictured and I guess I am still having a hard time swallowing it.
Three days after we had our High Risk ultrasound I had a follow-up with my OB. I expected nothing but good news because the ultrasound looked so great. Then she used words that took a while to sink in with me: "There is a link between unexplained high AFP and fetal death."
I didn't quite grasp what she was saying at the appt. Of course I was alone. And then I got in the car and the fear hit me like a ton of bricks. Did she just say there is an increased chance that the baby might die?
Because of this, beginning around 26 weeks, which will be early February, I will be going in twice a week, every week for non stress tests, until I deliver. That means I will be hooked up to a monitor for anywhere between 30-60 minutes and they will monitor baby's heartrate, activity, as well as check for contractions. I will also need serial growth ultrasounds at 28, 32, and 36 weeks. Chances are everything will be fine, and if it isn't I am being monitored so closely, that they will most likely get the baby out if things do start to go wrong.
Since hearing this a few weeks ago, my emotions have been all over the place. I am half way through this pregnancy, and just in the last few days I feel like I have for sure felt movement from the baby. Before then , I was scared to death. Physically, this pregnancy has been super easy, no morning sickness, exhaustion is gone, and besides this cute little belly, everything seems normal. That would be great, if we weren't dealing with all the what ifs. I am praying I continue to feel the baby moving and it continues to grow stronger.
The best part of everything that has happened over this last month, is we found out the sex. No, we didn't have one of those fun anatomy scans that everyone talks about. We didn't get one of those. We didn't get an ultrasound where the doctor explained eveything he/she was seeing and showed us the baby waving or sucking its thumb. Instead we found out in a dark room, by a strange doctor, who was performing a high risk ultrasound on my baby, looking to see if something was wrong, telling us absolutely nothing. I decided right before the appt. that I needed to know then if it was a boy or girl. Screw the stupid Christmas idea, it didn't mean anything anymore.
For those few days between my high risk ultrasound and follow up appt. with my OB we rejoiced in knowing we are having a GIRL. Since then, we are still so happy, but I can't help but feel like we have missed out on so many "happy" moments throughout this process. I am still so sad that we never got to get pregnant the "normal" way. Every once in a while I get sad over the other embryo that didn't make it, even though not one ounce of me wanted twins. And I am so very sad that the anatomy scan we had looked forward to and the Christmas surprise we had planned (finally, we would get to do something a normal pregnant woman does) ended up being something that never was. But, I am also so very grateful. Grateful we only had to go through one IVF, grateful we are pregnant with our first baby, and over the moon that it is a little girl. My parents first grandchild, a little baby girl.
I never expected this to be an easy pregnancy emotionally, but I had hoped I would be able to enjoy it a little more. I just want the baby in my arms. And I want people to stop telling me I shouldn't worry or everything is going to be fine. I know there are so many of you still stuck in the trenches and many others dealing with very difficult news about your own pregnancy. None of it seems fair. And yet, so few understand. So many will ever know.
I will post an update on pregnancy stuff tomorrow because there are a lot of exciting things happening and I have probably already spent hundreds of dollars on little girl clothes (stress reliever) but right now I just needed to get this out.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy, considering getting pregnant wasn't so easy, but I really had no idea it would be this hard!
This baby girl just has to know how much her mommy and daddy love her, and that everything will be okay.
I'm glad that your doctor is taking such a proactive stance. It sounds like there won't be the opportunity for anything bad to happen. For that, I am thankful. I hope that you are able to grab little bits of normalcy throughout the remainder of the pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you were robbed of so many of the things normals get to experience. I am glad your dr is going to watch you look a hawk. It shows your baby GIRL is in ther best interest....congrats!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Team Pink, love. It sounds like you're getting beautifully monitored, and baby girl is in good hands. Lots of love to you guys. x
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's been so difficult and I have definitely been there and back! I think you feel like after going through IVF that you just get to be like everyone else, finally. But some of us have less than fabulous pregnancies which burst that bubble. Hopefully for you all the stress will be now and you'll have a nice healthy term baby girl. (Congrats on the girl!!)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your daughter! I know this is scary, i have been feeling scared over my pregnancy until I got to the third trimester, but just know that you will be well taken care of. It sounds like your OB knows what to do to keep this going as long as possible. Just breath when you need to and love that little baby.
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Lindsay, I am praying for you all the time. You pop into my head when I haven't seen a blog from you in awhile. I am do sorry these crazy scary things are happening to you. Maybe your struggle all along has taught you how to deal with crazy scary feelings and now that you are faced with more you know how to deal with them. Not that it makes it easier. Because I am sure it doesn't. Thinking of you. XOXOXO. Oh a a little GIRL!!!! EEEKKKKK!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you updated us, I was wondering how you were doing! I will say the non stress tests, in my eyes, because I am going for my 3rd or 4th I can't remember is surreal laying there and just listening to her heartbeat. Yay for a little girl, must be a girl year!!!! I hear ya on the clothes it is hard not too buy things when you see them. Hang in there L, your Dr is being proactive and your little girl is already so loved.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that so much joy has been stolen from you throughout this pregnancy. We're continuing to pray for you and the baby. I cannot imagine all of the stress this has caused, but I have no doubts that your little girl will arrive safely. =)
ReplyDeleteMy boss's son was diagnosed with a rare/worst form of Muscular Dystrophy when he was young. Paul (boss) said that it was the worst day of his life and it made him so sick that his child wouldn't have a normal life. Today, Pete (son) is 18 years old, at the top of his class, made a 35 on his first ACT attempt, and is applying to college. He's still walking, although the doctors told Paul that he would be completely wheelchair-bound by now.
When Brandon and I were having trouble getting pregnant, and I was hospitalized for OHSS, Paul told me that all I could do was pray and trust God. I know it sounds cliche, but he's right. Ultimately, God is in control so we don't have to be. My heart brakes for all of the ups and downs you and your husband have experienced during this pregnancy, but God is in control. My prayers are with you for a safe pregnancy and delivery, and a healthy baby girl.
Oh, L I'm so sorry about all the stress you've had to deal with. It' just not fair that you've worked so hard to get here and you are STILL having to climb mountains. I think about you and baby very often. I will continue to pray for your piece of mind and health of that precious little girl! Congrats, girl! XO
ReplyDeleteGosh I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. So sorry that this pregnancy hasn't been trouble free so you could just enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteA little girl huh, how exciting!
Always keeping you in my thoughts.
Infertility takes so much away, even from the experience of pregnancy once you are to that point. And you're right, it isn't fair. And it is very hard to have people who don't understand brushing it off and telling you to stop worrying and "just relax" (much like their advice about getting pregnant). But you seem to have a good grasp on what to be grateful for and where your focus should be. And if nothing else, all the extra scans and attention mean you will get to see and hear baby girl much more often, which is a fun thing! Have fun buying baby clothes and planning the nursery!
ReplyDeleteP.S. You should definitely treat yourself to a giant peanut-butter-cup cupcake if you happen to come across one :)
It seems like nothing can be easy once we finally get pregnant. It sucks and it's not fair. We have put in our time and heartache and deserve for all to be normal. I'm so sorry all that you both are going through. It sounds like you are in great hands, your Doc sounds great!!! Congrats on a girl....girls are the best!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you and so glad to hear your update. I'm so happy you're having a girl! I can imagine how scared you are/were, but with the doctor's constant watching, I know everything is going to be ok. I'm so, so glad you have good doctors. I hope that you're still able to enjoy your pregnancy, especially all this movements!
ReplyDeleteA sweet baby girl! Yay! :)
ReplyDeleteHas anyone told you how amazing you are? You are very strong and determined! Your strength and desire to have that precious baby in your arms is inspirational. We're all praying and pulling for you. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I was just thinking about writing a post about pregnancy after IF that talks about many of the same things you mention here. Somehow we think it's going to be sunshine and rainbows and don't let ourselves imagine that it can be difficult, scary and stressful. I'm glad things look okay with your little girl (yay!) and that they're going to monitor you so closely. I'm sure it will be a pain to go in for all of those appointments, but at least you'll know your baby is being looked after. Best of luck to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry I have been MIA reading and commenting. I just caught up on all your posts and I am so happy for you and your Hubby. Congrats on your little girl! I'm so sorry you are going through so much. Even though I haven't been on, I think about you often and pray for your little girl. I totally believe they know what I going on in the outside world and knows how much she is loved. I always think about how we are just 2 weeks apart and I love it. I love seeing your pump pics so keep them coming! I have been on modified bed rest since 14 weeks and I was told sometime after 24 weeks or so I will be getting monitored every day with one of those home contraction things just in case.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this is so hard. I feel like I am learning over and over that things don't go as we planned, even though they seem like they are so much more deserved knowing how much we've gone through dealing with infertility. I wish it could work out like that. and it doesn't seem fair. I think you have to tell yourself that this, even though it seems so hard and trying, will be so worth it when you hold your baby GIRL. (congratulations on that news!) But I know it has to be so hard!
ReplyDeleteI read this way back when it was posted and guess I forgot to comment! I've been thinking about you and hoping for another update - hopefully you are on break from school for a couple of weeks and can just focus on yourself and your little GIRL! for a while :) That package is in the mail and traveling to you! Let me know when it gets there safe and sound! Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteChecking in for updates- hope all is well in baby land and that you're enjoying some good R+R for the holidays.
ReplyDeletehey, I keep checking back to see how you guys are doing, so excited that you are having a girl!!!! I hope all is well and that you had a fabulous christmas, I am sorry this has been so hard. I hope that all goes well, cause once you hold that baby girl in your arms, this hell will have been worth it 100 times over. xo
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