Thursday, April 16, 2015

Strange Place

I am all over the place lately.

I want to blog.  I sit down over and over again to write, and then I stop.

I am in a very strange place.

I am officially pregnant.  Today, marks 7w, 4d.  For a while I wasn't blogging because I was TERRIFIED of twins.  Crazy, I know, because I only put one embryo back in, but my betas were insane.  My nurse actually confirmed with me that we only put one back in on two different phone calls.

12dp3dt Beta #1: 378

14dp3dt Beta #2: 750 (48 hours doubling)

21dp3dt Beta #3: 9,676 (46 hours doubling)

Of course I took to the internet, even though I have been through all this before, and everything I saw said my numbers were outrageously high and I just kept thinking oh my goodness, what if that embryo split.  Needless to say, I didn't want to appear ungrateful to anyone in this community so I kept quiet.

We had our first ultrasound appointment on Monday afternoon.  Not only was there a strong heartbeat, but he/she was measuring exactly on track: 7w1d.  The doctor was ecstatic and said something like, "Bet you're glad you only put one back in!"

P and I still cannot believe it.  Even my doctor couldn't believe it.  Before we left our appointment, he gave us a summary of our cycle: 2 eggs fertilized, 1 embryo transferred, 0 made it to freeze.  Craziness...

Then, a little sadness set in.  Don't get me wrong, I know exactly how lucky we are to go through two fresh cycles and have two pregnancies.  But, having zero make it to freeze pretty much solidified that there will be no more babies for us.  I am not going through another round of IVF.  Feels as though we would be testing the limits, pushing our luck.  Even more strange to think (as long as this pregnancy continues on to a healthy little baby) that both of my children will be conceived via IVF.

I have been trying to compare my two cycles to find some similarities as to why they both worked and to be honest there are just about none.  I did acupuncture both times, drank lots of protein shakes, and did not go on ANY bed rest.  The night of my first transfer back in 2012 I went to a wedding that night.  I returned to work the day after my most recent transfer.  Those are about the only things similar, besides that the cycles could not have been more different.

Next week H turns 2.  My little baby who has brought me so much joy is no longer a baby.  I think she is going to be an amazing sister.  The age gap between her and her sister/brother will be the exact different between my brother and me.  Still doesn't seem real...another baby is on the way.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

No Way This Cycle Worked...

But it did.  It freaking worked.  I cannot believe it.

I began testing when I said I would, last Wednesday (7dp3dt.)  There was a line.  It took a little bit of time, but it was there.  By Saturday, it was darker than the test line.

I had my first beta on Monday morning.  Got the call early afternoon that it was good news.  378

Had my second beta this morning.  Got the call later this afternoon, more good news.  750

A doubling time of exactly 48 hours.

It felt like a total hail mary.  I almost ovulated on my own.  We only had 3 mature eggs, for someone who has the ovaries of a "21 year old" 3 eggs is a huge disappointment.  Only 2 fertilized.  And we only transferred one with the other one not making it to freeze.

I guess everyone was right.  It only takes one.  And we picked the right one.

For now, I continue the Crinone every morning and celebrate every day that I am still pregnant.

More bloodwork in a week, but I am done poas.  I have faith everything is going to be okay.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Embryo Transfer: 1 or 2

Deciding how many embryos to transfer is such a personal opinion yet so many people have something to say about it...many of those who have never gone through it.

Before arriving for our transfer we had heard that we only had 2 embryos growing normally.  We had no idea what they would tell us when we walked in that morning.  Turns out both embryos were growing.  We had an 8-cell (that was the 4-cell the day before) and a 5-cell (that was the 2-cell the day before.)

Before the doctor even began to explain what they were going to I jumped in and told him that I felt very strongly about only transferring one.  I asked him what the chances of twins would be if we put both in and he said 1 in 3.  I saw that as a pretty good chance of twins.  Surprisingly, he was very supportive of my thinking.  He told me if I had that strong feelings about only putting in one then that is what I should do.  He was honest and said he would love if I would put in two because that would give me a better chance of a pregnancy and would raise his pregnancy rate at the clinic, but then said that at the end of the day he wants what his patients want.  I was touched by his honesty.  Although I LOVED the doctor that did our transfer for our first IVF I definitely felt forced into transferring two (thank goodness we did because we got H out of it, but I was in tears afterward.)  The doctor said I should not be leaving in tears.  He also said it was a whole different ballgame because we already have a child at home.

So, the doctor and nurses left the room to let us talk and I burst into tears.  It was so difficult being in the same room again with almost the same decision as last time.  But, this time I felt much stronger and more confident in our decision to transfer only one.

P went out and got the doctor and announced we would be transferring one.  One little embryo, knowing that the other would probably not make it to freeze.  Meaning if this doesn't work we will be starting all over again.  Surprisingly, the doctor recommended putting in the 5-cell embryo because it looked "perfect" while the 8-cell embryo was already showing signs of deteriorating.  The embryologist even commented that by the time she went back and got the embryo it could have multiplied even more.  And that it did.  When the embryologist handed our embryo through the glass window to the doctor she announced, "you are now transferring a textbook 7-cell embryo."  With that being said, I knew we were doing the right thing.

If this works it will be a miracle and all those people that I have been cursing under my breath for telling me it only takes one will be right.  Because that is all we've got.  We never got a phone call after our transfer which means our 8-cell didn't make it to freeze.  It makes me sad and it will probably make me even sadder if this doesn't work out.  But, I am still confident we made the right decision.  When we walked out of that office I felt like I had some control over what would happen, and that was a good feeling after spending the last few weeks unable to control anything that was going on with my body.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The worst part...

Isn't the daily injections.

Isn't the retrieval.

Isn't the sleepless nights.

Isn't returning to work like nothing happened.  To people telling you how tired you look.

Isn't the daily suppositories that I now do every morning.

Isn't that we didnt have any embryos make it to freeze.

The worst part is knowing that I did everything I could and that my little embryo may have already stopped growing inside of me.  That is the part that wakes me up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.  That is the worst part.  Holding on to hope when there may be no reason to.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Waiting...there's no easy way to do it

We ended up in the same room for our transfer on Wednesday that we were in almost 3 years ago for our last transfer, the one that resulted in our daughter.  It was very emotional to walk in there; the  nurse asked if I was okay or needed another room.  We both said we needed to be in that room.

Then it was over.  There were tears but there was lots of hope.

If this doesn't work we will be going through the whole ivf process again.

I went out and bought tests today.  I wanted to see how much hcg I had left in my system from my trigger shot.  I tested positive, but not by much, the line was very light.  I would expect it to be gone in the next few days.  I'm pretty sure I tested it out of my system around 5 days past transfer last time.   And as clear as day I remember getting my first real positive ever.  It was 7 days past transfer.  P was in the shower and I was in the other bathroom.  Then it happened.

Next Wednesday will be 7 days past transfer.

This time around is easier in some ways and harder in others.  It's easier because we have H.  We have a little girl, an amazing little girl that has opened up my heart to an unimaginable amount of love.  In other ways it's harder because I cannot devote my everything into this two week wait.  Everytime I pick up H I wonder if I am straining too hard.  I am not eating as well as I did last go round because I'm tired and don't have the time like I did when I was cycling without a child or work.  I know it's ridiculous, if I was a normal woman getting pregnant, my life would not stop during the 2 week wait, heck I wouldn't even know it was the 2 week wait!  But I'm not a normal woman trying to get pregnant.

And so we wait.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

It's about that time...

Accupuncture was amazing today.  Yesterday was a really bad day, I was shocked when I got the news that 6 of our eggs were just gone.  To work that hard and know those little eggs never had a chance was really sad for me.

I woke up this morning feeling ok and then I got to accupuncture.  I am seeing someone new.  I was a little apprehensive at first because it is a man only a few years older than me, but he is my friends brother and right around the corner from my house so I thought I would give it a try and he is amazing!  When he started my treatment today he stopped for a second, looked at me and told me it was okay to be pissed, okay to be angry and that I needed to let it out so I could be ready for tomorrow.  Rather then tell me it will be okay and just be positive he recognized how stressful a situation I was in and validated my feelings.  And it worked.  I started crying, practiced my breathing, found a spot on the ceiling to focus on and slowly started to feel better.

So, tomorrow is the day.

I found out we have a 2-cell embryo and a 4-cell embryo as of 2:00 this afternoon.

The last time I cycled in 2012, we had 12 embryos at this point, a handful of 2-cell and a handful of 4-cell and then when we walked in to the transfer we were only left with 3 decent looking embryos.  The catch is we got H out of it so I know miracles can happen.

But, I am just really nervous about how tomorrow is going to play out.  If both are left tomorrow I feel like once again I am going to be forced into a corner of putting both embryos in like last time.  I am adamant about not wanting twins.  I give people all the credit in the world who do it, and do it so well, but I don't know if I can do it.

What do I do?  Put in both? Only put one in and risk losing the other and having to go through the entire process again if I get a negative beta in a few weeks?  This is the hardest part of all.  All the uncertainty.  Anyone have any advice??

I already know my doctor wants me to put in 2, before I even started cycling we had the discussion and I explained how strongly I felt about only doing one.  If I had 4 or 5 embryos this decision would be easy: one embryo all the way, probably with my doctors support.  But, it's not that easy!

So, here I am sitting on the couch by myself, watching trashy television trying to come up with some kind of plan for tomorrow, while my husband is in bed with a headache.  Just me and my thoughts...

And Then There Were 2

Of the 8 eggs, only 3 were mature.  Of those 3 only 2 fertilized normally, the other fertilized with only one of our DNA which means it is gone.

I will call back this afternoon and get another update on those 2 embryos.

So sad to work this hard and have 6 gone, just like that.