Twas the Night Before Egg Retrieval

So, the time has come.  Another egg retrieval.  The last one resulted in 19 eggs, only 3 made it to transfer day (day 3.)

I know I will be lucky to get half that many this go round.  But, I am hoping they are higher quality.

My mind is racing.

Last night I took the trigger at exactly 6:30pm and that's it.  All I am left with is a lot of needles and a very bloated stomach (which I am taking as a sign that maybe there is more going on then we think.)

After 35 injections into my stomach, the 36th would be my last.  I stood at the counter mixing the powder with 1cc of liquid thinking I cannot freaking believe they allow us to do this to ourselves!  What if we mess up?  Do something wrong?  I am confident I didn't but it just seems so crazy that they trust us to administer something to ourselves that is so crucial to the process.

I am trying to stay away from all the "what ifs."  What if my doctor and I hadn't been so cautious with the stimulating medication?  What if I don't get any eggs?  What if something goes wrong?  I cannot worry about any of that.  Whatever will happen from here on out is out of my hands.  I changed my diet, bulked up on protein, took all the shots, all the pills, started going back to acupuncture.  I did everything I possibly could to give this cycle a chance.  As horrible as it may be to think about having to do it all over again if this doesn't work...at least I know I can.

We spent most of the afternoon with my parents, then we all went out to eat and H was just a doll.  After, we went back to my parents to say good-bye because she is sleeping there tonight.  I got in the car and sobbed.  It just doesn't seem right that I had to leave her for a reason like this.  I know she will never remember it and she won't even know we are gone since she spends so much time with my parents but it was really really hard to leave.  Now, we are home and it is quiet.  Just me, P, and Sage. And it feels lonely.

I just read my post from almost 3 years ago that I had written before my last egg retrieval and I can hear the excitement in my words and I have to be honest I just don't feel it this time.  Maybe because this cycle has been all over the place.  Maybe because I am a little older and a little more tired this time around.  Or maybe it's because a little tiny piece of me is terrified that when I wake up from the surgery tomorrow the news is going to be bad.

I can understand why so many people do not decide to pursue IVF for their second child.  I forgot how much of a strain it puts on every single aspect of your life.  I forgot the impact it can have on your marriage, the isolation that comes along with it all.  But, then I look at my little H, and am reminded how much I want a second.  She is my world.  She overcame so many odds before she even took her first breath.  She is my little fighter.  I want her to be a big sister.  And I want the chance to do it again.

So, let's go get some eggs!