Things I Have Learned (And Am Still Learning)

I have never been an eloquent speaker. That is one of the reasons I was hesitant to start my blog (almost a year ago.) I am an open book. Most people (that know me well) can tell what kind of mood I am in just by the way I answer the telephone or respond to a text message. But, I am also very honest and I feel like that is one of the reasons I have connected with so many bloggers. I don't sugarcoat things. EVER.

This whole experience has left me constantly reflecting and I have been wanting to do a post like this for a while.

Dealing with infertility and all that comes along with it (procedures, tests, failure, tears, needles, phone calls) and then pregnancy is a whirldwind. There were times early on after discovering I was pregnant, that I found myself wanting to slow down time. Wanting to give my mind and body time to recover from IVF before jumping into pregnancy (I know, oh ho ironic.)

Throughout these last 2 years (and these last few months) I have learned:

• Infertility changes you (for better or worse.) For the longest time I struggled with trying to get back to the person I was before this all started. I felt a sadness. Like I lost part of myself in going through all of this. Only recently have I realized that throughout life everyone goes through different experiences. Those experiences shape the person we become. We are forever changing. And that is okay. I am okay with the person I am today. I may have less patience for some and more sympathy for others. I may still have some bad moments where I am wrapped up in anger and sadness or frustration, but that is okay. Because my happy moments are that much happier and I will NEVER once take this pregnancy or this baby for granted.

• If it doesn't kill you it WILL make you stronger. I hate this stupid saying, but I have to say I have found a lot of truth in it. HSGs, MRIs, sperm analyses, IUIs, IVf. Think about the day you married your significant other. Could you have ever imagined not only having to put yourselves through this, but surviving it? Could you have ever pictured sticking yourself with multiple needles night after night without even a guarantee you will have a baby at the end of it? I never in a million years would have thought I could do that. Somehow I found the strength and, it didn't kill me (although there were definitely times I was afraid it might.)

• Your marriage WILL be tested OVER and OVER again. You will have conversations and sit through doctors appts where things will be talked about that most people will never have to deal with. Some marriages will survive this and some will not. That is a very scary thought. I consider P and I very lucky because we did survive this. Although it is not perfect, nor easy, we have done it. Sometimes it is so easy to get lost in the goal of having a child that you forget what was behind this goal: a deep love between you and your partner. A love that was very alive long before trying for a child ever came into the picture. Try and keep that love alive. Because you would be surprised at how quickly that can disappear.

• Infertility SUCKS. Infertility IS SO UNFAIR. Infertility will suck the LIFE right out of you. There will be days you spend crying in bed. Days you avoid the outside world. Days you can't stand the people in your life that don't understand your pain and will never know what it feels like to want for a child and not have it happen naturally like it does for so many others. And then there will be days when you wake up and say to yourself, "I CAN DO THIS."

• Some people will ALWAYS say the wrong thing. It isn't that they mean to it is just that they don't know what to say. Would you know what to say if you hadn't gone through this? I know I wouldn't.

• Infertility is a HUSH HUSH subject. And I HATE this. I have no problem talking about our struggles, but what I have realized is that it makes many people uncomfortable. For some reason it is acceptable to talk about diseases or illness, but infertility is something that makes people shudder. The only thing I can say about this, is if you feel comfortable, TALK ABOUT IT. It is the only way we will be able to shine some light on the debilitating effects infertility has on us.

• There will be days you walk by a mirror and see that growing belly and think "There is no way that is me." I had convinced myself that I would never be pregnant, that I would never have this belly. There are still days it catches me by surprise.

• Your stomach will STRETCH and STRETCH and STRETCH. Haha. But, it will happen gradually. I remember thinking I looked "bigger" after just 3 or 4 months. Oh boy, did I have no idea what "bigger" really meant. And to be honest I still don't think I do because I still have 15+ weeks (hopefully) of growing with this belly that already seems to big for my body!

• There are parts of your body you will not be able to see for WEEKS! And after the initial shock wears off, you really won't care, as a matter of fact, you may find yourself forgetting what anything below your belly button even looks like!

You may or may not agree with all or some of what I have written and that's okay. These are thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Things that I often wonder if other people think about/struggle with.

I still cannot believe that in just a few months we will have a baby. We get to see her again in two weeks for our first serial growth scan and although I am so excited, the fears have started to creep back in. It is not something I can talk to people about because they don't understand my fears or anxieties. But, I know you do. Which is why I always go back to this blog. I recently attemped to go back on facebook, even posting a picture or two reflecting the pregnancy, and within just a half hour I found myself deactivating my account. Although so many people responded with positive comments it didn't feel "real" or "genuine." I am so thankful for this community. For this safe place where I can express myself openly and honestly and know that someone, somewhere, understands how I am feeling.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!