Acceptance? Maybe?

So, I haven't blogged in a while.  It's not because I don't want to, it's because I don't really know what to say.  I usually love to get my feelings down on "paper" but to be honest I don't really know what I am feeling! 

I am 12 dpo and took a pregnancy test this morning, mainly because my temp. was still up and of course it was negative.  I wasn't surprised, just really want to get this show on the road.  Two months of waiting was probably a good idea but at the same time enough is enough. 

I have referenced before how being thrown into fertility treatments causes you to grieve a little bit.  Then I was thinking about all the different stages of grief, most of which I have felt, as I am sure many of you have also.  The last of which seems to be acceptance.  I feel like I am there and although it SUCKS, I am accepting it.  I can't change it, but I can push forward.  I am pretty sure I will never return to the person I was before all of this crap started and to be honest I am okay with that. 

It is pretty obvious that after this long, making a baby is just not going to be easy for us and IVF is really all we are left with.  The alternative is not having a baby, and that alternative doesn't work for us, so this is what we have to do.  This is our reality.  I have mentally prepared myself for the worst and am hoping for the best.  Both of which I can handle (I think.)    

All along the toughest thing for me to deal with has been my interactions with people (friends, family, coworkers.)  I finally realize that just about anything they say to me can have the potential to make me upset, angry, sad, or jealous. So, for the most part, I have stopped wishing people would always say the right thing or try harder to understand.  Most people don't mean any harm, although I have to say, I see myself as having a lot more compassion than others, but that's life.  P and I have learned the most important thing we can do is lean on each other.  There is no one else in our life right now that knows the depths of what we are going through and we need to be able to count on each other to pick one another up on the bad days (and boy have there been bad days) and celebrate with one another on the good.  Right now we are surrounded by weddings and parties and celebrations for everyone else and while it is difficult at times I know our time is coming.  Someday it will be about us and our baby, in the meantime it is our job to suck it up and be happy for everyone.  We can do that.  We have been doing it for months, and although it is hard at times, together,  we can do it because at the end of the day we really are happy for everyone.

Ughh I am really not a fan of this post, but I don't want people to think I fell off the face of the earth, so this is the mess you are left with, sorry!

On a good note, I have continued to throw myself into different little projects.  This past Saturday I painted our guest bathroom upstairs, got a new shower curtain, and hung a canvas above the toilet.  I should have taken a before picture, but in typical Lindsay fashion, I had to just jump right in, no time for a before picture!  I was up and out of the house by 7 Saturday morning picking up the paint at Lowe's.  The wall color is caled "New Avocado," the shower curtain is from Target, and the canvas from Pier 1 (I had it for a while hanging in a different room but thought it was cute in the bathroom.)  So, for less than $100 I had a brand new bathroom!  We wanted something bright and fun, that could also be a cute kids bathroom someday, but not too cutesie, because who knows how long it will be before there will be a kid in that tub!  Here is a picture...let me know what you think!  Next project for this weekend is to hang a curtain in our upstairs hallway (currently getting the hem let out of them at the tailors.)  It is a short little window that just looks akward so I got two ceiling to floor panels that I am hoping will make the wall look a little better and add a bit of "something" when you are standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up.  But, I got a bold color, so I may or may not end up ripping them down by the end of the weekend!  I am also hoping to start a picture wall in that same hallway.  Hopefully I will have pics this weekend.  Staying busy is what keeps me going!



Hope everyone is doing well, I promise I have been following along, just haven't been commenting because I have been so ehh.  I will get back to it...NOW!  Oh yeah, my first accupuncture appt. is Friday morning, I will definitely be posting after letting everyone know how it went!