Naive No More

It's funny the way your mind obsesses over things.  You do your best to tell it to stop, distract yourself, but it just doesn't work sometimes.  And sometimes the more you try not to think about it, the worse it becomes...

One of the worst things about going through this is not knowing when it will end.   If it will end. Mommy Someday wrote a post about this recently.  Tell me when it will end and I will be better at handling all this crap, but there is no way of knowing.  This could end in August, maybe by Christmas, hopefully by the end of next school year.  But, maybe it won't.  Maybe it will end in my husband and I walking away from fertility treatments.  I can't imagine getting to that point, but I also can't imagine living through another 18 months of this and being okay. 


I have been trying to put into words what this experience is like.  How it feels to deal with this on a regular basis.  It is such a roller coaster of emotions day after day.  CD 1 always brings new hope for me, waiting to ovulate is torture because my cycles are all over the place, the 2ww has become less of an event because my hopes for a positive have diminished, and yet there is no way to describe that first time you wipe and see blood realizing it didn't work AGAIN, the absolute despair.  IF is a daily struggle.  Somedays I feel as though I am just sitting here watching the second hand go around and around, time doesn't seem to move as fast or as slow as I want it to...EVER. 

I have looked really tired lately and people have been noticing, it's not that I can't sleep or don't sleep, I am just drained.  This is draining.  Sure, it helps to keep busy, have things to look forward to, but in reality keeping busy is just an attempt to occupy my mind for a few hours.  An attempt to escape this ugly thing looming over my head morning, noon, and night. 


I am not the same person I was 18 months ago.  It makes me sad because some of my relationships have suffered because of this.  I can't be angry at people for having babies, for wanting to talk about their pregnancies, that isn't fair to them.  Yes, I can hope they show some compassion and sensitivity, but for most of them it is their first pregnancy ever. I can only imagine the excitement they must feel which means they have absolutely no way of knowing how I feel.   I can't put myself in their shoes and they certainly can't put themselves in mine.  With their excitement comes my feelings of loss, anger, and I guess a little bit of envy.  I don't want to reach out to them.  I still do from time to time, but I am very shut off.  When you have a baby your whole world revolves around that little one.  Every story shared, every picture taken, every shopping trip revolves around the baby.  And while it must be the most wonderful feeling in the world, it is those things that make it very hard to talk to my friends now because they are consumed with the one thing I am unable to have at the moment.  As happy as I am for them, it hurts to hear their stories and see their pictures.  The hurt is deep, it exists in a place I don't really think I have felt pain before.  So, I am learning it is okay to be selfish.  It is okay to put myself first, because right now I don't have stories to share or pictures to show.

Then I think about what will happen if/when I become pregnant.  Will they not want to hear from me because I was so absent in their journey?  Will they understand?  Will they be able to support me when I was so unable to be there for them?  Is it wrong for me to think I should have a "get out of jail free" card?  I don't know how this journey will end, I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what these next few months/years have in store for us.  But, I don't, and the only thing I can do right now is take care of myself.  Because right now, being me is not that easy.  And somedays, just putting on a happy face, is all I can do.  Anything more is asking too much. 

Becoming a part of this blogging community has been like opening up the doors to a world I never knew existed.  A world most of my friends and family will never know exists.  And as thankful as I am for finding it, there are times when I wish I never had to open that door.  That I too could stay naive forever.  I have read so many stories of heartache and loss that it has darkened my view of pregnancy.  Before trying to get pregnant, I thought miscarriage was something that happened to very few. I had thought you have sex, get pregnant, have a baby, repeat.  And for many that is the case.  I guess I was naive about miscarriage in the same way I was to infertility.  But, after being part of this community for a while now I realize that not only does miscarriage happen to MORE than a select few, but the chance of it increases when you get pregnant through IVF.  So, I am afraid.  I am afraid I will never get pregnant.  I am afraid that if/when I get pregnant I will not be able to enjoy it because I know what "could" happen.  I am afraid I will have a miscarriage.  I am afraid of everything about this whole process. I have read your stories, I have commented on your posts, I have "seen" first hand the effects a failed IVF cycle can have on you.  How can you posibbly prepare yourself for what lies ahead? 

But, I have also seen the uplifting effects being a part of this community.  When no one else understands, I blog, when I feel overwhelmed with sadness, I blog, when I have questions, answers, and stupid stories, I blog.  And blogging makes me feel better.  So, if I have to be a part of this world of infertility, I am so glad I can do it with all of you.  Blogging is no longer something I do for fun, it is something I do to survive.  Something that makes me feel like I am not alone.  Something that makes me feel like no matter what happens, I will be okay.