All Over the Place

I have started at least 3 posts over these last few days only to stop them, unhappy with how I was unable to organize my thoughts so this post is going to be bullets, and still pretty unorganized, but I have to work through this crap and this is the only way I know how to right now. 

Throughout our struggle I have tried as best I can to keep control over my feelings and emotions.  Always aware which ones are there, but always trying to keep them in check.  These past few days, my emotions have been all over the place.  In a matter of seconds I can go from feeling hopeful and excited to sad and angry. So, here they are, all out in the open for you...

• Excitement (I would like to say this is the one I feel the most, but it's not, not even close) But, if I allow myself to get excited my thoughts go to the fact that IVF is going to be the closest we have ever been to making a baby.  If I get pregnant from this I will be due in April!  I will be able to start shopping for baby clothes, we can decorate a nursery.  We will have a baby on the way!  Oh, I cannot imagine that feeling.

• Fear-I am so nervous about so many things.  I am nervous how uncomfortable I am going to feel.  I am nervous what my stomach is going to look like.  I am SUPER nervous about OHSS.  Everyone seems to believe it is super uncommon, but the more blogs I read and research I do, it's really not that uncommon at all.  There is a good chance many people wil develop at least a mild to moderate form of it.  Because of the way I responded to the last round of injectons, Dr. P already told me to be prepared for it and they will do everything in their power to keep it under control. Not to mention I am tall and thin, and just under 30 (both risk factors for it) and it's not looking too good for me.  But, like I told my mom, if it means I will have a baby, it will all be worth it. 

• Anger-this is the feeling I try to fight/hold back the most.  This is the feeling that shows its little tiny head every once in a while.  Like I told my mom today, the thing that hits me the hardest at times is the unfairness of it all.  I am going to try over these next few weeks to really deal with this one head on, because it is an ugly one, and it doesn't make me feel good. 

• Sadness-this feeling hurts the most.  It hurts when I am sad and it hurts even more when I see P sad.

• Doubt-What the heck do we do if this doesn't work?  I sometimes feel like P wants to go back to the people we were before this started.  And we can't, this has changed us.  I feel it has changed us for the better because we are stronger as a couple, but we have changed.  P believes this is going to work and while I hope with every ounce of my being it will, I can't believe it with my whole heart.  Because if I have told myself over and over again it will end in a pregnancy and it doesn't, then I will be completely destroyed.  I just can't allow that to happen.  I need to be strong for P, because if it doesn't work, he may fall apart.  And I need to be strong for us.  So, I am carrying with me a little bit of doubt because I know that this does not work for everyone.  And some people even decide to walk away from it. 

Today, is our 3 year anniversary.  I don't feel like that number does our relationship any justice though.  We got engaged 5 years ago, and started dating 11 years ago, so 3 sounds like nothing!  But, it is something and of course P wants to celebrate.  He wants me to meet him in the city tomorrow for shopping and dinner.  I don't want to.  But, I am going to because he needs me to. He needs me to be ok.  He needs us to be ok.  So, that's the plan.  Tomorrow I won't think about the fact that we don't have a baby and there's a chance we may never have one, I will celebrate with my husband how lucky we are to have found each other.  Tomorrow I am going to put my husband's needs before my own; reminding myself and him that before baby talk ever began, it was just the two of us, and we were really happy.  And, it was enough.