"We should just suck it up and go." These were the words my husband uttered to me this morning while we were in the car. The second he said them he wanted to take them back. He knew what those words were going to do to me. A few months ago I probably would have gotten angry with him and flipped out, but today I started to cry.
What I tried to explain to him yet again is that I (we, really) have spent the last 19 (yes we are on freakin month 19 now) months sucking it up. We have sucked it up and put on a good face for everyone else over and over and over again. We have dealt with phone calls, text messages, emails, all sharing all different types of good news with us, and we have sucked it up and congratulated them and sent cards, and gifts and done everything else. All the while almost never getting asked how we are doing. Or what is going on with us. Some people don't want to know because it makes them uncomfortable, some don't know what to say and others are too wrapped up in their own lives to ever wonder if there is something going on with us. The problem is, that leaves P and me to suffer in silence, and that is sometimes really hard. I totally understand when people have good things in their lives they forget that there may be people around them struggling. But, it is starting to wear on me. I don't want to suck it up anymore. At times, P and I feel forgotten. It is not a fun place to be. It is not an easy place to be.
You probably can't tell from my writing above, but these past few days I have felt really good. I have realized I need to stop putting myself in stressful situations. I am at a place right now where stress is not good for me and coming to that realization has given me a little bit of power. Any other time I could handle certain things or events, but not now. These next 5 weeks I need to put myself and my (mental) health first.
I am ready to start, ready to get things going. I am almost feeling optimistic. My emotions are still all over the place, but I feel much more stable/grounded if that makes any sense. My weekly accupuncture treatments seem to be helping tremendously. I love M and feel like she really cares about me. Like I was telling my mom yesterday, I have always been very "picky" when it comes to people I choose to develop relationships with. Making connections with people is very important to me. And I connect with her, which makes me extremely happy.
My brother is getting married on Friday. Which makes me really happy. But between now and Friday night I have both an accupuncture appt. and an appt. at my clinic to go over our entire IVF protocol. Both reminders that there is something big going on soon. How do I find a balance? How do I make sure I am nothing but happy for my brother the next two days when I am feeling so many other things, when I am sure there will be a moment or two that I want to break down and cry. I guess I make sure of it because this isn't about me. It's about my brother and his wife. And I am really happy for them.
I have to believe going through this and being tested over and over again is going to make me a better person, is going to make us stronger as a couple. There has to be a reason we are going through this...I just can't wait until we are on the other side. I am not sure how much longer I can suck it up.
In May my brother got married and it was right before we started our IVF treatment. I was worried too about being really distracted and emotional. I told myself that I didn't want to look back and feel like I didn't enjoy myself and with all the wedding stuff and being so happy for them I was able to really enjoy the weekend. It was hard when it was all over because that was a good distraction from everything with the showers and helping them plan. I hope you are able to enjoy yourself, although I sure know that it is NEVER not on your mind!
ReplyDeleteSo much to say in response to this post. Wish I could come over for a coffee. I hope that you continue to have only good days ahead. I hope that with each day you feel even more stable and grounded and that the beautiful smile we see in those pics gets bigger and bigger. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things to get there. Also, you're right to be picky about friendships and connections. At one point I wasn't picky but now I find myself only keeping people around that add value to my life. People that prop you up, keep you going, bring calm, fun, and support to your life. Those are the kind of people you need around you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is any doubt that you are going to be happy for your brother on his big day. However, you absolutely can't help all of the other things that are swirling around you. I think you just have to remind yourself that you are doing/have done absolutely everything to prepare yourself for these next big steps.
Hugs from across the distance... you incredible girl! xo
Sorry that you have to feel this way. It gets exhausting to suck it up all the time! And I feel the same way in regards to being forgotten or ignored (yes, even being a pregnant infertile..I still get treated differently! While most people have been very excited for us, I can't believe the insensitivity of some people!). Unfortunately, until one has experienced infertility most people have no idea 1. how isolating it can be 2. how sad and painful it is (like, all the time) or 3. what to do or say. Hoping you won't have to suck it up much longer and can find a way to truly enjoy your brother's wedding on Friday!
ReplyDeleteDo what is best for you right now. I think putting yourselves first every once in a while is more than okay. There is a lot coming up that you need to be emotionally ready for, and I think you are right in feeling like you shouldn't always have to suck it up.
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