I Remember...

I have felt really content lately.  I am still sick and work sucks but none of that seems to matter, because I am pregnant.  Everyday I come home and look at our ultrasound picture and it makes me really happy.  But, last night I was reading a post from another blogger I follow and all the emotions came rushing back, and I realized I was still a little raw.

I think some people who have not been through this might believe that as soon as you are pregnant everything goes back to normal, the past is the past.  The only problem is, the past is how we got to this point, and we remember it, we will always remember it.

I remember searching for an OBGYN last year knowing in my gut we were having issues getting pregnant.  When I finally found one in May, she did a little bloodwork but told me, you have only been trying for 5 or 6 months, give it some more time.  (My prolactin was high at the time, but she never recommended bromocriptine.)

I remember telling a few people last summer that we were trying and that something didn't seem right.  And almost every one of them told us to just give it more time.  We would be fine, nothing to worry about.  People always want to "fix" things, people always want things to just be okay, when the fact is that sometimes things aren't ok and a good attitude doesn't always make problems disappear.

I remember returning to my OB in September where she began to show some signs of worry.  My prolactin was still borderline high and my cycles were all over the place.  She prescribed me Clomid, wanted P to do a semen analysis, and sent me on my merry way.

I remember getting the phone call in November about P's analysis.  I remember crying to my mom and making the horrible decision to call P at work with the news.  He was angry and devastated and walked around like a zombie in the days after that.  It ruined our Thanksgiving, and many days after that.

I remember the nerves I felt before my HSG.  Sure I had tons of bloodwork done and lots of pelvic exams, but this seemed like such a bigger deal.  This seemed like we were admitting we had a problem and were heading down a path that there was no turning back. 

I remember meeting Dr. P.  I remember her first recommendation being to go get a brain MRI.  WHAT??  She didn't like how my cycles had once been regular (before the pill) and had now become very irregular.  Strangely enough, I was calm before this test.  My aunt passed away after giving birth to her first child because of a bleed in her brain that they didn't catch fast enough.  Although I knew this MRI was to search for a tumor on my pituitary gland, I knew they would also be able to find any other irregularities.

I remember all the phone calls, dark days, and sleepless nights.  All the times we sat across from each other at the dinner table where I could barely make it through a meal without crying. 

There are so many other events that have occurred over the last 20 months that have changed P and me, but the memory that hit me last night was the one of me walking into the operating room last month.  It still seems so surreal.  I was giving myself shot after shot, praying and hoping for things to be okay.  I cannot believe just over a month ago I had 19 eggs removed from me.  I remember the nurse mentioning how high my blood pressure was due to my high anxiety.  I remember the doctor telling us we had lost almost all of our embryos at the time of our transfer.  But, he kept reminding us, all we needed was one...just one

I think one of the reasons I am hesitant to tell people we are pregnant is I am afraid what they will say.  All we really want to hear is, "We are so happy for you," or "You deserve it."  But, I have had so much experience with people saying inappropriate things that I am afraid how I will react to their words.  I know some people will want to tell us how lucky we are that it worked on the first try.  And I hate that.  Maybe a lucky pregnancy is one that didn't need medical intervention.  One that didn't require waiting at the door for medications to arrive, one that didn't require you to be put under anesthesia, or leave you with the thought this may never work.  Fortunate yes, we are so very fortunate to only have to go through this once, but I don't consider us "lucky."  I know people mean well.  I know it's because they just don't know what to say.  But, if we are okay with what we have been through, then we don't need others to try and minimize it for us or make us feel like it could have been worse. 

And after all the sad and painful memories, comes the happiest one of all.  I remember hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time.  I remember the grin on P's face.  I remember feeling nothing but joy and disbelief.  P and I talk about it almost daily.  That tiny little flicker...

This whole experience has changed us.  We are not the same people we were when all this started.  And that's okay.  Because we survived this together.  And at the end of the day it has brought us closer.   At the end of the day we don't want to forget all that we have been through, because it is all those things that have led us to to our perfect little baby.