I am a control freak, so in some ways getting biweekly monitoring has been good for me (although I don't think it will help me get through possible subsequent pregnancies because I know it is so atypical!)
We went in yesterday for our monitoring appts. (also the day we see the doctor once a week.) Little girl was very active so I didn't have to be on the NST long which was good because they do nothing but stress me out, staring at her heartbeat for 20 mins and analyzing whether or not it is getting too high/low. A few weeks ago I was hooked up and her heartbeat dropped into the 90s, the nurse came running in and told me to take a few deep breaths and it came right back up but boy was it scary! Luckily it hasn't happened again, that I am aware of.
We also get quick u/s every time I go in so they can check my fluids and placenta. Baby has been head down since about week 26, WAY HEAD DOWN. We haven't seen her face in over 10 weeks. And I get ultrasounds twice a week! At our last growth scan which was almost 4 weeks ago they were not even able to measure her head. The u/s tech teases me about it, not understanding how I can walk or don't spend every 5 seconds at the bathroom. And to be honest, I really don't understand it either. Luckily my cervix has been sealed tight or else this baby could have come a lot sooner.
My doctor did an internal two weeks ago along with the Strep B test which came out negative (thank god, one test that came out fine!) And when she offered another check last week, I denied it. So, I knew going in this week I was probably going to get checked again. I am currently 37w4d, which is still considerably early for a first time mom. The problem is, I am getting induced at exactly 39w (for medical reasons.) The cervix check is pretty much excruciating because my cervix is STILL way behind the baby's head. She dug around with one hand and then tried the other hand, and finally said, "Lindsay, her head is RIGHT THERE!" Normally that would be awesome, my body is getting ready, except that, it is so low she had NO CHANCE of finding my cervix. Meaning, my cervix has not moved forward AT ALL. During most of your pregnancy your cervix will be high and closer to your bottom, as labor nears, it will move forward and should move in front of the babies head. I have made no progress with that. We have another appt. with the doctor next week (our last appt. before the induction) and she told me she may have to torture me a little, yes she used the word "torture." She wants me to practice breathing, find my Zen. Haha, yeah right. She said something about possibly having to use a speculum and doing everything she could to see what is going on with my cervix. When I go for my induction, they are going to need full access to my cervix, especially if I am not dilated at all, because the goal is to ripen my cervix the night before the induction and then slowly introduce pitocin the next morning. From the sounds of it, because baby is so low, if we can get my cervix to cooperate EVER, labor will move very fast.
I feel like people only write horror stories about inductions and am afraid of what mine is going to be like if my cervix continues to be so high. I know things can change quickly and I am going to spend a lot of time walking and on my feet this next week. But, to be honest, I am a teacher, I am always on my feet. And she has been head down for months now. Why should I expect anything to change over the next few days? Instead of going to the hospital the 23rd, we will be going in the night before for cervical ripening. I freaked out in the car ride home last night and told P that I couldn't do this anymore. I want to fast forward 2 weeks and just be home with her. Unfortunately, that isn't possible, so I gotta put my big girl pants on and figure out how I am going to deal with all of this. And hope that in the meantime SOMETHING, ANYTHING happens with the positioning of my cervix, otherwise I am afraid I may pass out at my doctor's appt. next week, from fear alone!!
On another note, how has what you have gone through in your current or past pregnancies or even attempts to get pregnant impacted your thoughts about future pregnancies? I know everyone says you forget what happens during the birth and your body forgets making you ready for more, but what about the pain of infertility and a tough pregnancy? Do you really forget that stuff? I always wanted three children, it is down to two now. Last night I told P I don't know if I can go through this again, and if we choose to, it may not be for a long time. Maybe that will change when she is here and we are head over heels in love with her and can't imagine life without her. But, for right now, I don't know where we are at. Anyone else have mixed feelings?
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Still Here!
Where to begin?
It has been months since I have blogged, not even sure if too many of you check my blog anymore but I thought it was time to catch people up a little bit.
I am currently 36w2d pregnant. I know, I can't believe it either!
I had thought getting past the infertility issues would be difficult, and they were (and continue to be) but it was compounded by the b/w that came back sometime in the second trimester. Since getting those results (which I know can often be wrong or false positives) I have been considered a "high risk" pregnancy and that has made these last few months really difficult on me. I have had lots of up and lots of downs. We were initially afraid the b/w indicated some kind of issue with baby's spine, but after having a level II ultrasound, that was just about ruled out. So, when high AFP goes unexplained, it sometimes puts pregnant women at higher risk for pre-eclampsia, pre-term labor, stillbirth, and a wide range of other things.
Since reaching week 32, I have been at the doctors twice a week every week and will continue to do that until I get induced at week 39. Each time I have a NST and u/s, and once a week I also meet with my doctor. In addition I have been getting growth scans every 4 weeks since week 26. Everything has continued to look good, but the extra tests are exhausting and stressful! They are checking to make sure my fluids are okay, the placenta is still working, and babe is still measuring on track. Out first growth scan, she came out in the 70th percentile, second growth scan she measured in the 59th percentile and our most recent one (which was two weeks ago) she was in the 39th percentile. Yes, she has continued to measure smaller every few weeks, but the doctor isn't concerned, so I am trying not to stress about it too much (haha yeah right!) Once again, all the nurses, secretaries, u/s techs know me by name because I am there so much (just like with IVF.)
I also failed my Glucose Test, not once, not twice, but three times! I initially failed the 1-hour and kept hearing from everyone how common it was and I would pass the 3-hour with flying colors. Of course that didn't happen, I failed 2 separate 3-hour tests. Protocol would be for me to take another at week 38, but at that point I will be a few days away from being induced so my doctor cut me a break and told me it could just be a fluke or the way my levels would be throughout pregnancy (it was always the second hour blood draw that went up, the other 3 blood draws looked good.) Needless to say, I feel like every test I have been given I have failed miserably. Every time the office calls I cringe thinking it is more bad news.
I know I will regret not doing bump updates and have weekly notes to look back on but to be honest it has really been difficult for me to fully embrace this pregnancy. So many of my friends have gotten pregnant and not had to deal with any of this, it makes it really hard for me to relate to them. They have ultrasound pictures and pregnancy things all over their facebook pages and at times it is just too much for me. I have a hard time sympathizing with pregnant people over their lack of sleep when I keep worrying whether or not today will be the day I go in for my NST/ultrasound and they tell me something is wrong and the baby has to come out NOW!
The pregnancy itself has been fairly easy on me (which kind of makes it even worse!) I still have no swelling, blood pressure continues to be low around 120/65, have only gained about 23 pounds, and have had just about no aches/pains. She has been head down for about 2 months and is currently so low that my u/s tech can't believe I am still able to walk without the famous pregnant waddle. She has also been face down for a while too which has taken just about all the pressure off my lower back and my sciatic pain has been no more.
Sorry I have been away for so long, I have been reading everyone's blog but have been in a weird place for a while now. I have been rooting so many of you on from a far, and have loved seeing pictures of all the new babies (please keep posting tips and favorite products, I LOVE reading those posts!)
The best thing that has come out of all of this is P and I are in a better place then we have ever been. We are nervous, stressed, excited, and don't know what to expect over these next few weeks, but we are going through it together.
The NSTs have been picking up lots of contractions over the past week and although they are not painful, they definitely have me wondering when baby is actually going to be coming. We are scheduled to get induced on April 23 (a full week early.) I am still working and it has really taken it's toll on me, especially since two days a week I leave work early and am at the doctors for anywhere from 2-3 hours. Next week is my last week of work and then I have a week to get ready (if we make it!)
We don't have a birth plan because I don't want to go in with any set expectations. If it goes anything like the last 2.5 years have gone, then nothing will be in my control. I am not dead set for/against an epidural. I want to see how I can manage the pain and if I need it, I need it. I am hoping to avoid a c-section. The doctor is concerned about my narrow pelvic bone, but if the baby continue to measures on the smaller side, it might be okay. Of course, getting induced increases your chances of c-sections too, so I do realize I have a few factors going against me already.
The one thing that P and I did decide to do was take maternity pictures because we wanted to make sure we had something to remember this pregnancy by. We were really pleased with them and of course we had to include Sage in a few! These were taken right around 32 weeks, I was even carrying low then!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
25 Weeks
25 weeks...seriously?? How did this happen!! I am almost in the third trimester and this is getting more and more real by the minute.
I had quite the scare last Friday night. P was out at a friend's 30th birthday party which I was unable to attend. It was around 7:30 and I picked up a pizza from Dominos (can you see where this is going??) I had 3-4 pieces, which is what I have always eaten and then made the mistake of lying down. Within minutes, I felt pain radiating up and down my sides and it was hard to breathe. I began to get really nervous because I was alone and had never felt anything like this before. Luckily, mom and dad are right around the corner so I calmly called her and asked if she could come over and let Sage out because I wasn't feeling well. From the time I hung up the phone to when she got here the pains got progressively worse, I could not sit, lay down, and was having trouble standing straight up. I called the on call doctor and she recommeded I go right to the hospital, so that is what we did! I had no idea where to go, was totally freaked out I was going into labor, and was in SO much pain!
Luckily, they hooked me up to the monitors immediately and she was kicking away and I was not having contractions, but rather an incredibly bad case of heartburn. I was there for a little over 2 hours and after they gave me this nasty GI concotion I began to feel a little better. Yes, my husband rushed home and made it to the hospital, because we had no idea what was going on and my mom thought he should come home. We finally got home around midnight and I was wiped for the remainder of the weekend. I don't think I will ever look at a piece of pizza the same again!
The doctors were wonderful and told me to stay away from spicy/greasy foods and they gave me a prescription for medication if I do decide to eat something that may not agree with me, so we can avoid these scares in the future. They also told me NEVER, EVER, eat and then lie down; wait at least 30 minutes.
Strangely enough, the doctor who was in the hospital with me, knew my RE very well (it was weird to hear him reference my pregnancy as an "IVF pregnancy" I guess you never escape it) and he also told me that Dr. B who did my retrieval and transfer had moved out of the practice. That was hard to swallow. He wasn't my RE, but he was the one who convinced us to transfer two, he was the one who placed the embryo(s) in just the right spot and got us pregnant!
Ok, next subject. Our maternity photos have been booked. We never got engagement pictures done, which I still regret to this day, and we are not into the "intimate" pictures haha so we will be doing a session outside (short and sweet) hopefully with snow in the background. The pictures are for the end of February, I will be about 31 weeks, which might seem a little early, but March and April are just so busy I am going to see if this will work.
Oh yeah, can we talk about movement?? Because ever since Christmas (you were right mom) baby has been squirming around in there ALL day EVERY day. I can't tell what kind of movement it is, ever, but feels like she is having a little party in there. From the time I wake up, until the time I fall asleep I feel her, I guess that is a good sign though! When I was getting monitored at the hospital, it took 2 different nurses and lots of manuvering to get her consistently on the monitor because she wouldn't stop moving.
I am currently sick with what feels like a mild flu. No fever, just sore throat, a litle achey, and just feel crummy so I stayed home from work. I am actually wondering if I picked something up at the hospital last weekend, I was so hopeful to get through the whole winter without being sick, but hopefully it will be gone soon.
And finally, I am looking for recommendations. P and I really want a new camera. Nothing too crazy, definitely need an upgrade. We have a Canon, but it is about 3 years old and doesn't really offer us much. Anyone recently use/buy a camera they are in love with? Our iphones just aren't going to cut it once little one arrives!
Next up, our first serial growth scan next week to check on baby and make sure everything looks the way it is supposed to.
I had quite the scare last Friday night. P was out at a friend's 30th birthday party which I was unable to attend. It was around 7:30 and I picked up a pizza from Dominos (can you see where this is going??) I had 3-4 pieces, which is what I have always eaten and then made the mistake of lying down. Within minutes, I felt pain radiating up and down my sides and it was hard to breathe. I began to get really nervous because I was alone and had never felt anything like this before. Luckily, mom and dad are right around the corner so I calmly called her and asked if she could come over and let Sage out because I wasn't feeling well. From the time I hung up the phone to when she got here the pains got progressively worse, I could not sit, lay down, and was having trouble standing straight up. I called the on call doctor and she recommeded I go right to the hospital, so that is what we did! I had no idea where to go, was totally freaked out I was going into labor, and was in SO much pain!
Luckily, they hooked me up to the monitors immediately and she was kicking away and I was not having contractions, but rather an incredibly bad case of heartburn. I was there for a little over 2 hours and after they gave me this nasty GI concotion I began to feel a little better. Yes, my husband rushed home and made it to the hospital, because we had no idea what was going on and my mom thought he should come home. We finally got home around midnight and I was wiped for the remainder of the weekend. I don't think I will ever look at a piece of pizza the same again!
The doctors were wonderful and told me to stay away from spicy/greasy foods and they gave me a prescription for medication if I do decide to eat something that may not agree with me, so we can avoid these scares in the future. They also told me NEVER, EVER, eat and then lie down; wait at least 30 minutes.
Strangely enough, the doctor who was in the hospital with me, knew my RE very well (it was weird to hear him reference my pregnancy as an "IVF pregnancy" I guess you never escape it) and he also told me that Dr. B who did my retrieval and transfer had moved out of the practice. That was hard to swallow. He wasn't my RE, but he was the one who convinced us to transfer two, he was the one who placed the embryo(s) in just the right spot and got us pregnant!
Ok, next subject. Our maternity photos have been booked. We never got engagement pictures done, which I still regret to this day, and we are not into the "intimate" pictures haha so we will be doing a session outside (short and sweet) hopefully with snow in the background. The pictures are for the end of February, I will be about 31 weeks, which might seem a little early, but March and April are just so busy I am going to see if this will work.
Oh yeah, can we talk about movement?? Because ever since Christmas (you were right mom) baby has been squirming around in there ALL day EVERY day. I can't tell what kind of movement it is, ever, but feels like she is having a little party in there. From the time I wake up, until the time I fall asleep I feel her, I guess that is a good sign though! When I was getting monitored at the hospital, it took 2 different nurses and lots of manuvering to get her consistently on the monitor because she wouldn't stop moving.
I am currently sick with what feels like a mild flu. No fever, just sore throat, a litle achey, and just feel crummy so I stayed home from work. I am actually wondering if I picked something up at the hospital last weekend, I was so hopeful to get through the whole winter without being sick, but hopefully it will be gone soon.
And finally, I am looking for recommendations. P and I really want a new camera. Nothing too crazy, definitely need an upgrade. We have a Canon, but it is about 3 years old and doesn't really offer us much. Anyone recently use/buy a camera they are in love with? Our iphones just aren't going to cut it once little one arrives!
Next up, our first serial growth scan next week to check on baby and make sure everything looks the way it is supposed to.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Things I Have Learned (And Am Still Learning)
I have never been an eloquent speaker. That is one of the reasons I was hesitant to start my blog (almost a year ago.) I am an open book. Most people (that know me well) can tell what kind of mood I am in just by the way I answer the telephone or respond to a text message. But, I am also very honest and I feel like that is one of the reasons I have connected with so many bloggers. I don't sugarcoat things. EVER.
This whole experience has left me constantly reflecting and I have been wanting to do a post like this for a while.
Dealing with infertility and all that comes along with it (procedures, tests, failure, tears, needles, phone calls) and then pregnancy is a whirldwind. There were times early on after discovering I was pregnant, that I found myself wanting to slow down time. Wanting to give my mind and body time to recover from IVF before jumping into pregnancy (I know, oh ho ironic.)
Throughout these last 2 years (and these last few months) I have learned:
You may or may not agree with all or some of what I have written and that's okay. These are thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Things that I often wonder if other people think about/struggle with.
I still cannot believe that in just a few months we will have a baby. We get to see her again in two weeks for our first serial growth scan and although I am so excited, the fears have started to creep back in. It is not something I can talk to people about because they don't understand my fears or anxieties. But, I know you do. Which is why I always go back to this blog. I recently attemped to go back on facebook, even posting a picture or two reflecting the pregnancy, and within just a half hour I found myself deactivating my account. Although so many people responded with positive comments it didn't feel "real" or "genuine." I am so thankful for this community. For this safe place where I can express myself openly and honestly and know that someone, somewhere, understands how I am feeling.
Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!
This whole experience has left me constantly reflecting and I have been wanting to do a post like this for a while.
Dealing with infertility and all that comes along with it (procedures, tests, failure, tears, needles, phone calls) and then pregnancy is a whirldwind. There were times early on after discovering I was pregnant, that I found myself wanting to slow down time. Wanting to give my mind and body time to recover from IVF before jumping into pregnancy (I know, oh ho ironic.)
Throughout these last 2 years (and these last few months) I have learned:
- Infertility changes you (for better or worse.) For the longest time I struggled with trying to get back to the person I was before this all started. I felt a sadness. Like I lost part of myself in going through all of this. Only recently have I realized that throughout life everyone goes through different experiences. Those experiences shape the person we become. We are forever changing. And that is okay. I am okay with the person I am today. I may have less patience for some and more sympathy for others. I may still have some bad moments where I am wrapped up in anger and sadness or frustration, but that is okay. Because my happy moments are that much happier and I will NEVER once take this pregnancy or this baby for granted.
- If it doesn't kill you it WILL make you stronger. I hate this stupid saying, but I have to say I have found a lot of truth in it. HSGs, MRIs, sperm analyses, IUIs, IVf. Think about the day you married your significant other. Could you have ever imagined not only having to put yourselves through this, but surviving it? Could you have ever pictured sticking yourself with multiple needles night after night without even a guarantee you will have a baby at the end of it? I never in a million years would have thought I could do that. Somehow I found the strength and, it didn't kill me (although there were definitely times I was afraid it might.)
- Your marriage WILL be tested OVER and OVER again. You will have conversations and sit through doctors appts where things will be talked about that most people will never have to deal with. Some marriages will survive this and some will not. That is a very scary thought. I consider P and I very lucky because we did survive this. Although it is not perfect, nor easy, we have done it. Sometimes it is so easy to get lost in the goal of having a child that you forget what was behind this goal: a deep love between you and your partner. A love that was very alive long before trying for a child ever came into the picture. Try and keep that love alive. Because you would be surprised at how quickly that can disappear.
- Infertility SUCKS. Infertility IS SO UNFAIR. Infertility will suck the LIFE right out of you. There will be days you spend crying in bed. Days you avoid the outside world. Days you can't stand the people in your life that don't understand your pain and will never know what it feels like to want for a child and not have it happen naturally like it does for so many others. And then there will be days when you wake up and say to yourself, "I CAN DO THIS."
- Some people will ALWAYS say the wrong thing. It isn't that they mean to it is just that they don't know what to say. Would you know what to say if you hadn't gone through this? I know I wouldn't.
- Infertility is a HUSH HUSH subject. And I HATE this. I have no problem talking about our struggles, but what I have realized is that it makes many people uncomfortable. For some reason it is acceptable to talk about diseases or illness, but infertility is something that makes people shudder. The only thing I can say about this, is if you feel comfortable, TALK ABOUT IT. It is the only way we will be able to shine some light on the debilitating effects infertility has on us.
- There will be days you walk by a mirror and see that growing belly and think "There is no way that is me." I had convinced myself that I would never be pregnant, that I would never have this belly. There are still days it catches me by surprise.
- Your stomach will STRETCH and STRETCH and STRETCH. Haha. But, it will happen gradually. I remember thinking I looked "bigger" after just 3 or 4 months. Oh boy, did I have no idea what "bigger" really meant. And to be honest I still don't think I do because I still have 15+ weeks (hopefully) of growing with this belly that already seems to big for my body!
- There are parts of your body you will not be able to see for WEEKS! And after the initial shock wears off, you really won't care, as a matter of fact, you may find yourself forgetting what anything below your belly button even looks like!
You may or may not agree with all or some of what I have written and that's okay. These are thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Things that I often wonder if other people think about/struggle with.
I still cannot believe that in just a few months we will have a baby. We get to see her again in two weeks for our first serial growth scan and although I am so excited, the fears have started to creep back in. It is not something I can talk to people about because they don't understand my fears or anxieties. But, I know you do. Which is why I always go back to this blog. I recently attemped to go back on facebook, even posting a picture or two reflecting the pregnancy, and within just a half hour I found myself deactivating my account. Although so many people responded with positive comments it didn't feel "real" or "genuine." I am so thankful for this community. For this safe place where I can express myself openly and honestly and know that someone, somewhere, understands how I am feeling.
Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Catching Up
P and I had a great day today. A Trader Joe's recently opened up around us so we went to check it out, lots of affordable groceries and almost all organic. We also went to check out our stroller at Giggle. Convincing P that we NEEDED this stroller was difficult haha but eventually he caved. Hoping to order it on Amazon over the next few months. We decided to go with the UppaBaby Vista, a bit of a splurge but that's okay with me...
I will leave you with a few pictures taken over the last few weeks...
I will leave you with a few pictures taken over the last few weeks...
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| Taken Christmas Morning (not a great one of the bump) |
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| A version of this was used for our Christmas card this year. |
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| No, this was not taken at a store, this is baby girl's closet. I won't even tell you about all the onesies hidden in her dresser. Don't worry, I have been buying newborn through 18 months haha! I told you December was a stressful month!! |
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| And finally, Sage, telling us how very excited she is to be a big sister soon! |
23-24 weeks
It has been so long since I have blogged. I am continuing to read everyone's stories and although I am not commenting I am following each and every one of you so very closely.
There has been a lot going on, nothing earth shattering...
The Good
I am almost 24 weeks pregnant. And I am feeling baby girl moving LIKE CRAZY! I don't know what she is doing in there, but we are in trouble if she is this active when she comes out! I am still sleeping decent most nights. My belly is growing! Our nursery is just about complete. The only thing we are waiting on is the chair and that is going to be a while, probably will not be here until early/mid March. But, the painting is done, beadboard/chair rail is up, and we have the dresser, crib, and bookcase assesmbled. I took a chance and did the one thing everyone tells you NOT to do, and ordered all pieces of furniture without being able to see them in person. Each piece was from the Land of Nod (associated with Crate and Barrel) but there is no location within driving distance to our house. After looking at other furniture at baby stores and constantly consulting the Baby Bargains book, I knew this was the furniture we had to have. It came within 2-4 weeks, the men brought the pieces right up to the nursery, and the dresser was already assembled, and it looks beautiful. I will post pictures soon, but right now we still have our guest bed in there because Sage likes to sit on it and stare out the window, and it is just too difficult for P to get rid of it right now because of how much time our pup spends on it!
P and I will be celebrating our 30th birthdays in March, just a month before baby is expected to arrive. Even though I expected to be thinking about baby #2 by now, the realization tha we are going to have our first baby is a pretty awesome 30th birthday present for both of us!
I had an appt. a few days ago and my belly measured 23 cm which was right on track, my blood pressure was still great at 106/62, and she picked up baby's strong heartbeat right away. Because my alpha-protein levels came back high in November, we need to begin our serial growth scans to make sure baby girl is still growing appropriately and the placenta is working. So, we have our first (of three) sceduled for 2 1/2 weeks from now. We haven't seen our little one since that scary high risk ultrasound, so as long as everything looks good, it should be a much more fun u/s for P and me where we can hopefully get a few more pictures!
I love my OB. I was iffy about her in the beginning, but since dealing with the scare a few weeks ago, she has been wonderful. She is very proactive and I feel my baby and I are getting the best possible care which I am so grateful for.
I also found out that the twice a week NST will not start until 32 weeks. I had originally thought they were going to start at week 28, but was wrong. That seems a lot more manageable. Either way, March and April are going to be crazy going back and forth from work to the doctors. So, let's hope January and February stay calm with no "surprises."
No stretchmarks, yet!
The Bad
December was a tough month for us as a couple. We seemed to have turned a corner and we are doing a lot better now. Marriage is hard, infertility makes it harder, and pregnancy after infertility (although some people claim it makes their marriage so much stronger) can be extremely difficult.
There are reminders everywhere I turn of what was taken from P and me. Everywhere we turn another couple is announcing they are pregnant, some with their second. It continues to knock the wind right out of me. I am hoping that once baby comes these feelings will slowly fade away even more, but the pregnancy announcements still sting, especially those announcing their second. Those sting A LOT.
Physically this pregnancy has been pretty easy, but a few days before Christmas I started developing a lot of pain in my lower left back/hip. My OB thinks its sciatica and wrote me a script for a PT evaluation...hopefully we can get that under control quickly.
The Ugly
Shaving? Haha, let's just not even go there. There are way too many parts of my body that I can no longer see.
When my OB asked what my pre-pregnancy weight was I STUPIDLY gave her the weight I was at the morning of my egg retrieval: 123 lbs. Between losing some weight right before IVF, not being able to eat for 12 hours because of the surgery, and lots of anxiety, I had lost 4 or 5 pounds. Meaning, that weight was not even close to being my typical everyday weight! Now I am up to 140. So, when she told me I was up 17 pounds I wanted to say...wait wait wait haha! My real pre-pregnancy weight is more like 127. But, she didn't have a problem with the weight gain because I am still pretty tiny, so I guess I will just go with it! (And secretly tell myself I am only up 13 pounds, not 17!)
Oh yeah, my pregnancy pants, those pretty much don't fit anymore! I bought them around 12/13 weeks and they have been great for the last 3 months, but I am definitely running out of room. No way I can survive the next 16 weeks in them!
That's about it for now, I am going to try and get back to blogging regularly, but sometimes life just gets in the way! As I write this, baby is giving me a few quick kicks in the stomach, possibly to remind me I have no idea how busy life is actually going to get this Spring!
There has been a lot going on, nothing earth shattering...
The Good
I am almost 24 weeks pregnant. And I am feeling baby girl moving LIKE CRAZY! I don't know what she is doing in there, but we are in trouble if she is this active when she comes out! I am still sleeping decent most nights. My belly is growing! Our nursery is just about complete. The only thing we are waiting on is the chair and that is going to be a while, probably will not be here until early/mid March. But, the painting is done, beadboard/chair rail is up, and we have the dresser, crib, and bookcase assesmbled. I took a chance and did the one thing everyone tells you NOT to do, and ordered all pieces of furniture without being able to see them in person. Each piece was from the Land of Nod (associated with Crate and Barrel) but there is no location within driving distance to our house. After looking at other furniture at baby stores and constantly consulting the Baby Bargains book, I knew this was the furniture we had to have. It came within 2-4 weeks, the men brought the pieces right up to the nursery, and the dresser was already assembled, and it looks beautiful. I will post pictures soon, but right now we still have our guest bed in there because Sage likes to sit on it and stare out the window, and it is just too difficult for P to get rid of it right now because of how much time our pup spends on it!
P and I will be celebrating our 30th birthdays in March, just a month before baby is expected to arrive. Even though I expected to be thinking about baby #2 by now, the realization tha we are going to have our first baby is a pretty awesome 30th birthday present for both of us!
I had an appt. a few days ago and my belly measured 23 cm which was right on track, my blood pressure was still great at 106/62, and she picked up baby's strong heartbeat right away. Because my alpha-protein levels came back high in November, we need to begin our serial growth scans to make sure baby girl is still growing appropriately and the placenta is working. So, we have our first (of three) sceduled for 2 1/2 weeks from now. We haven't seen our little one since that scary high risk ultrasound, so as long as everything looks good, it should be a much more fun u/s for P and me where we can hopefully get a few more pictures!
I love my OB. I was iffy about her in the beginning, but since dealing with the scare a few weeks ago, she has been wonderful. She is very proactive and I feel my baby and I are getting the best possible care which I am so grateful for.
I also found out that the twice a week NST will not start until 32 weeks. I had originally thought they were going to start at week 28, but was wrong. That seems a lot more manageable. Either way, March and April are going to be crazy going back and forth from work to the doctors. So, let's hope January and February stay calm with no "surprises."
No stretchmarks, yet!
The Bad
December was a tough month for us as a couple. We seemed to have turned a corner and we are doing a lot better now. Marriage is hard, infertility makes it harder, and pregnancy after infertility (although some people claim it makes their marriage so much stronger) can be extremely difficult.
There are reminders everywhere I turn of what was taken from P and me. Everywhere we turn another couple is announcing they are pregnant, some with their second. It continues to knock the wind right out of me. I am hoping that once baby comes these feelings will slowly fade away even more, but the pregnancy announcements still sting, especially those announcing their second. Those sting A LOT.
Physically this pregnancy has been pretty easy, but a few days before Christmas I started developing a lot of pain in my lower left back/hip. My OB thinks its sciatica and wrote me a script for a PT evaluation...hopefully we can get that under control quickly.
The Ugly
Shaving? Haha, let's just not even go there. There are way too many parts of my body that I can no longer see.
When my OB asked what my pre-pregnancy weight was I STUPIDLY gave her the weight I was at the morning of my egg retrieval: 123 lbs. Between losing some weight right before IVF, not being able to eat for 12 hours because of the surgery, and lots of anxiety, I had lost 4 or 5 pounds. Meaning, that weight was not even close to being my typical everyday weight! Now I am up to 140. So, when she told me I was up 17 pounds I wanted to say...wait wait wait haha! My real pre-pregnancy weight is more like 127. But, she didn't have a problem with the weight gain because I am still pretty tiny, so I guess I will just go with it! (And secretly tell myself I am only up 13 pounds, not 17!)
Oh yeah, my pregnancy pants, those pretty much don't fit anymore! I bought them around 12/13 weeks and they have been great for the last 3 months, but I am definitely running out of room. No way I can survive the next 16 weeks in them!
That's about it for now, I am going to try and get back to blogging regularly, but sometimes life just gets in the way! As I write this, baby is giving me a few quick kicks in the stomach, possibly to remind me I have no idea how busy life is actually going to get this Spring!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
20 weeks...and ALL over the place
Everytime I get ready to blog, I stop. I don't know why. None of this has happened the way I pictured and I guess I am still having a hard time swallowing it.
Three days after we had our High Risk ultrasound I had a follow-up with my OB. I expected nothing but good news because the ultrasound looked so great. Then she used words that took a while to sink in with me: "There is a link between unexplained high AFP and fetal death."
I didn't quite grasp what she was saying at the appt. Of course I was alone. And then I got in the car and the fear hit me like a ton of bricks. Did she just say there is an increased chance that the baby might die?
Because of this, beginning around 26 weeks, which will be early February, I will be going in twice a week, every week for non stress tests, until I deliver. That means I will be hooked up to a monitor for anywhere between 30-60 minutes and they will monitor baby's heartrate, activity, as well as check for contractions. I will also need serial growth ultrasounds at 28, 32, and 36 weeks. Chances are everything will be fine, and if it isn't I am being monitored so closely, that they will most likely get the baby out if things do start to go wrong.
Since hearing this a few weeks ago, my emotions have been all over the place. I am half way through this pregnancy, and just in the last few days I feel like I have for sure felt movement from the baby. Before then , I was scared to death. Physically, this pregnancy has been super easy, no morning sickness, exhaustion is gone, and besides this cute little belly, everything seems normal. That would be great, if we weren't dealing with all the what ifs. I am praying I continue to feel the baby moving and it continues to grow stronger.
The best part of everything that has happened over this last month, is we found out the sex. No, we didn't have one of those fun anatomy scans that everyone talks about. We didn't get one of those. We didn't get an ultrasound where the doctor explained eveything he/she was seeing and showed us the baby waving or sucking its thumb. Instead we found out in a dark room, by a strange doctor, who was performing a high risk ultrasound on my baby, looking to see if something was wrong, telling us absolutely nothing. I decided right before the appt. that I needed to know then if it was a boy or girl. Screw the stupid Christmas idea, it didn't mean anything anymore.
For those few days between my high risk ultrasound and follow up appt. with my OB we rejoiced in knowing we are having a GIRL. Since then, we are still so happy, but I can't help but feel like we have missed out on so many "happy" moments throughout this process. I am still so sad that we never got to get pregnant the "normal" way. Every once in a while I get sad over the other embryo that didn't make it, even though not one ounce of me wanted twins. And I am so very sad that the anatomy scan we had looked forward to and the Christmas surprise we had planned (finally, we would get to do something a normal pregnant woman does) ended up being something that never was. But, I am also so very grateful. Grateful we only had to go through one IVF, grateful we are pregnant with our first baby, and over the moon that it is a little girl. My parents first grandchild, a little baby girl.
I never expected this to be an easy pregnancy emotionally, but I had hoped I would be able to enjoy it a little more. I just want the baby in my arms. And I want people to stop telling me I shouldn't worry or everything is going to be fine. I know there are so many of you still stuck in the trenches and many others dealing with very difficult news about your own pregnancy. None of it seems fair. And yet, so few understand. So many will ever know.
I will post an update on pregnancy stuff tomorrow because there are a lot of exciting things happening and I have probably already spent hundreds of dollars on little girl clothes (stress reliever) but right now I just needed to get this out.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy, considering getting pregnant wasn't so easy, but I really had no idea it would be this hard!
This baby girl just has to know how much her mommy and daddy love her, and that everything will be okay.
Three days after we had our High Risk ultrasound I had a follow-up with my OB. I expected nothing but good news because the ultrasound looked so great. Then she used words that took a while to sink in with me: "There is a link between unexplained high AFP and fetal death."
I didn't quite grasp what she was saying at the appt. Of course I was alone. And then I got in the car and the fear hit me like a ton of bricks. Did she just say there is an increased chance that the baby might die?
Because of this, beginning around 26 weeks, which will be early February, I will be going in twice a week, every week for non stress tests, until I deliver. That means I will be hooked up to a monitor for anywhere between 30-60 minutes and they will monitor baby's heartrate, activity, as well as check for contractions. I will also need serial growth ultrasounds at 28, 32, and 36 weeks. Chances are everything will be fine, and if it isn't I am being monitored so closely, that they will most likely get the baby out if things do start to go wrong.
Since hearing this a few weeks ago, my emotions have been all over the place. I am half way through this pregnancy, and just in the last few days I feel like I have for sure felt movement from the baby. Before then , I was scared to death. Physically, this pregnancy has been super easy, no morning sickness, exhaustion is gone, and besides this cute little belly, everything seems normal. That would be great, if we weren't dealing with all the what ifs. I am praying I continue to feel the baby moving and it continues to grow stronger.
The best part of everything that has happened over this last month, is we found out the sex. No, we didn't have one of those fun anatomy scans that everyone talks about. We didn't get one of those. We didn't get an ultrasound where the doctor explained eveything he/she was seeing and showed us the baby waving or sucking its thumb. Instead we found out in a dark room, by a strange doctor, who was performing a high risk ultrasound on my baby, looking to see if something was wrong, telling us absolutely nothing. I decided right before the appt. that I needed to know then if it was a boy or girl. Screw the stupid Christmas idea, it didn't mean anything anymore.
For those few days between my high risk ultrasound and follow up appt. with my OB we rejoiced in knowing we are having a GIRL. Since then, we are still so happy, but I can't help but feel like we have missed out on so many "happy" moments throughout this process. I am still so sad that we never got to get pregnant the "normal" way. Every once in a while I get sad over the other embryo that didn't make it, even though not one ounce of me wanted twins. And I am so very sad that the anatomy scan we had looked forward to and the Christmas surprise we had planned (finally, we would get to do something a normal pregnant woman does) ended up being something that never was. But, I am also so very grateful. Grateful we only had to go through one IVF, grateful we are pregnant with our first baby, and over the moon that it is a little girl. My parents first grandchild, a little baby girl.
I never expected this to be an easy pregnancy emotionally, but I had hoped I would be able to enjoy it a little more. I just want the baby in my arms. And I want people to stop telling me I shouldn't worry or everything is going to be fine. I know there are so many of you still stuck in the trenches and many others dealing with very difficult news about your own pregnancy. None of it seems fair. And yet, so few understand. So many will ever know.
I will post an update on pregnancy stuff tomorrow because there are a lot of exciting things happening and I have probably already spent hundreds of dollars on little girl clothes (stress reliever) but right now I just needed to get this out.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy, considering getting pregnant wasn't so easy, but I really had no idea it would be this hard!
This baby girl just has to know how much her mommy and daddy love her, and that everything will be okay.
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