This week I had finally felt like I was getting back to myelf. If you asked my coworkers, they would have told you they noticed the difference. I was more care-free, social, making jokes, which are all usually indicators that I am okay.
P and I went out to dinner on Friday and I actually teared up because I had been feeling okay and that made me sad, really, really sad. Because as good as it feels, I don't want it to be okay that we are not pregnant yet. I don't want to get to that point where life is okay even if we don't have a baby. I'm not ready for that to be okay yet...
Those of you that have followed me for a while may/may not remember that the last month before our IUI (March) we were trying on our own, and then we both came down with the stomach bug before, during, and after I ovulated (it was also our birthday week.) It seemed liked a horrible joke, but looking back I figured it was just a one time thing. Then we had our IUI which was a disaster from start to finish.
We have two months to continue to try on our own before I begin the Lupron in July. Yesterday was cd 11, I have had 2 bars on my Fertility Monitor for a few days now and can tell by my CM that I will be ovulating soon (although I still have yet to begin temping.) But, last night I started to get a sore throat, I was hoping it was just due to exhaustion beacuse I hadn't been sleeping well this past week, so I took 2 Motrin and went to bed early. Then, I woke up this morning to a burning sore throat. I know exactly what it is. Some people when they get sick get migraines, others get stomach aches, I get horrible sore throats. I am on cd 12 and I am getting sick AGAIN right before I am due to ovulate. I will go to the doctor's tomorrow, they will tell me I have my SECOND bacterial infection in my throat of the year and they will put me on Z Pack.
Why do I feel like I am constantly being tested? How can it be that two of the last three months, right around ovulation time I come down with something. Just when I start feeling like myself again, someone has to remind me that my life sucks. I am tired of getting shit on, tired of nothing going right, and tired of having to always be so strong.
We put up our backsplash in our downstairs bathroom yesterday and I was so excited to blog about it today, but it will have to wait for another day because right now I feel like crap and am so pissed off. Ughh...
Oh no! It must feel like one thing after another lately. I really hope you feel better soon. (I had frequent cases of strep/sinusitis/ear infections until I had my tonsils out at 24. I *know* how awful they can make you feel.)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've been feeling better emotionally. Just because you are finding your happy, care-free, social self, does not mean that you are accepting your situation. It means that you're finding a place where you can face your challenges with strength, keeping your sense of self. I think this is a good thing. I don't want you to lose yourself in this battle. You're too special for that. Take care!
Oh god I am such a wimp, I have thought about my tonsils before, but no one has ever suggested it so I am keeping quiet!! Still so so happy for you :)
DeleteOf course it is different for everyone. I procrastinated getting my tonsils out for YEARS, but really, it was the best decision I ever made. I haven't had a single ear infection since.
DeleteI hope you're feeling better today! It must be hard to spend the day with your students when you're feeling sick.
Oh boy, I'd be pissed off too! I hardly ever get sick, (knock on wood!) but when you do with that timing...UGH! I'm sorry!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sass- getting back to your normal self doesn't mean you're accepting not being pregnant, it means you're getting better at protecting yourself and dealing with a shitastic situation. Easier on some days than others! Keep your chin up friend, good things are coming! XO
I guess that is a good way of putting it, and you are so right the roller coaster ride can change daily, hourly, even sometimes by the minute. Hopefully good things are coming both our ways soon and we can celebrate together!
DeleteGetting back to your normal self is a coping mechanism, not a sign that you are ok with being childless. Most of the world doesn't understand what IF is Bout and therefore won't accept or allow how low we get. So we have to get good at putting on the brave face and acting "normal." All of us IFers know that you're not ok.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are sick again. What a cruel joke. It is hard to remember, and I do a TERRIBLE job remembering myself, but in the long run, a few extra months won't matter. Thinking if you. Am excited you have a Lupron timetable! Let me know if you ever want to talk IVF. The needles are not as bad as you might be expecting.
xoxoxoxo
You are so right, who wants to be around someone that is always down in the dumps, so after a while you put that brave face on and act normal. I am actually not dreading the needle part of it, the injections for my IUI were pretty easy for me, it is more the side effects of everything, so maybe I can pick your brain when it gets closer!!
DeleteHoping you feel better soon...being a teacher really puts you at risk for getting lots of yucky bugs! I am sorry that the timing has been so terrible (although, is there really a good time to get sick?!)
ReplyDeleteIt is okay to have happy moments (it is GOOD to) and it is NOT a sign that you are okay with not being pregnant. I agree with the other commenters -it is a form of self protection. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
P keeps bugging me to take Monday off and I am trying to explain to him how it's just not possible, I have already missed so many days haha and the last thing I want to do right now is make sub plans!!
DeleteI've also been feeling a little more like 'me' lately and was sort of struggling with what it meant. So I definitely relate to this post. I had a huge belly laugh at dancing the other night and it totally shocked me. It felt good. So, I guess we should enjoy the moments of being 'us' and not over-analyse them too much.
ReplyDeleteAs for the cold I sincerely hope that it passes quickly and that you still get to do a little BDing. Take care of yourself and drown yourself in water, soup, vitamin c & d!
You're right, we can't get back time we have lost, and just because we laugh or have fun, doesn't mean we forget about the pain...just went out and got soup and have some cider for later tonight, hope it works!!
DeleteI hope you feel better soon. I don't think getting back to "normal" is being ok with not having a baby. I think you are just getting back to enjoying the little things in life. Don't beat yourself up over it. It feels good so let it.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks so bad when something happens right before you ovulate. When we were trying on our own while waiting for treatments to start there were so many months where my Hubby had to go on last min business trips and they always landed on ovulation days.
Ugh shouldn't everything else be easy since having a baby is so hard. I am very lucky that p doesn't travel, I couldn't imagine dealing with that on top of everything else!
DeleteGod, that sucks. I'm sorry!! I get the sore throat first too. It's always the indicator. I was sick over my FET transfer and it was crap.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon and that this is a magic cycle. I will be thinking of you.
Haha sometimes what I really need is for someone to say what you did, that sucks! Can't imagine feeling like this while cycling, guess I should consider myself lucky we took is month off!!
DeleteThinking of you today!
Ugh being sick is no fun. I am feeling my allergies today horribly. I'm so so so glad you are feeling more like yourself! Yay for home improvement projects to keep you busy. I started stripping wallpaper in what will be the spare room/office yesterday and I HATE it. I'm just glad it is a border not the entire wall.
ReplyDeleteI think you must "see" in to my brain. I was saying these exact things this weekend. I was thinking of the movie "Something's Gotta Give," not because I've ever seen that movie but because of the title. Something in my life HAS to give, whether it's finding a house, getting pregnant, or even getting my period (hello, 36+ cycle and no AF in sight). I just wanted to say I empathize with you. And thanks for being honest.
ReplyDeleteI really, really hope that your sore throat won't hinder you too much :)
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