On Hold

My hopes for children, my happiness, my life.  They are all on hold.

I am struggling right now.  I am in a tough spot.  I know that and yet I can't do anything about it.  I am trying to pull myself out of this hole that I feel is getting deeper, I had been doing so well, and now I fear I am on the losing side of this battle. 

Being a teacher I probably get asked this question at least a few times a day this time of year: How many more days until school gets out, you must be so excited??

It is exhausting pretending to be okay. 

What I want to tell people is I can't tell you how many days until summer, but I can tell you how many days until my first Lupron shot. 

I started crying to P last night, I know, it seems to be a common theme over these past few days.  I have never had a "favorite" class.  At the end of each year I get sad and upset over the thought of getting a new group next year, that I don't know and who don't know me and spending the first few months training them, getting them used to my routines.  But, saying good-bye to this group is going to be extremely difficult to me.  They are too young to understand what they mean to me and what they have done for me this year.  I wish there was some way I could tell them that, maybe someday when they are older and come to visit, but not now. 

This group of students has been with me through all the tests, procedures, medications, and month after month of failed pregnancy tests.  And each morning, it was them, that got me through everything.  Yes, I have a supportive husband and we both have wonderful families, but it has been my students, and their undeniable need for me, the pure love they have for me, that has given me the strength to get through this year.  There is nothing like walking into a classroom after you have missed a day of work and seeing the look of joy on your students faces when they realize you are back. I can't help but see them leaving me in a few weeks as a representation of the time that has gone by and the things that I have gone through, and the fact that I am still not pregnant.  It should have been this class that found out I was pregnant.  It deserved to be this class, they are the ones I wanted to share the good news with.  But it's not, and there is no good news to share, and it is really hitting me hard.   

Today was my future sister-in-laws shower.  It was a nice time.  Good to see friends and family I hadn't seen in a while.  But, I am tired.  This is tiring.  I want my old life back, but I feel like it's gone.  I feel like I am stuck in limbo.  I never knew it would be this hard to have a baby.