More Waiting and Worrying

This weekend was so difficult for P and me.  I don't know why.  We got two positive betas Wednesday and Friday.  We should be happy.  We should be so excited.  There is no reason to believe that we aren't going to go on to have a healthy baby.  And yet we are both so nervous.  We have never been in this position before and we are so scared that something is going to go wrong. 

I know I should be happy about my betas, they are both high numbers (202 & 360) but I can't help but worry that the second number isn't high enough compared to how high my first one was.  360 is a 78% increase, it is just as close to doubling (100%) as it is to being only 60% which is the MINIMUM increase it should be.  I know you can't compare HCG levels from one person to another, but I can't help but think it should have been higher.  We were really hoping for at least 400s maybe even 500s, given how high my first one was.  I am trying not to worry, but to be honest, if something bad were to happen I am worried P and I won't get through it.  I have kept it together well enough over these past few months, but I can't help but think that I won't recover from this if it doesn't work out.

At the same time I am filled with worry about the thought of twins.  Is it even okay to talk about both worries in the same post??  Since day one I expressed my strong feelings toward only transferring one.  I was adamant against transferring two and somehow that is what ended up happening and since the transfer I have felt very uneasy about it.  People always say "only put in as many as you can handle," but I think until your in the room with the doctor who is telling you what crummy embryos you have, you really can't pass any judgment.  All your thinking is we have just put ourselves through all this and really all we want is a baby, we will do whatever will guarantee us the best chance of that.  And so that is what we did.  I don't believe, if we are still pregnant, it will be twins, but P has reassured me that even if it is, we can handle it.

My next beta is Friday.  I start work the following week.   We have devoted our whole summer (from start to finish) to creating this little one.  And now it's time to go back to work. 

Before going through this, I never understood how people could write about the wait for a third beta or first ultrasound being more difficult than the wait to find out if you're pregnant, but it is SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT, for me anyway.  The last test I took was a week ago (10dp3dt) and it was so very dark.  So, we were both very confident going into the first beta it was going to be a good strong number.  Now, we have no idea what to except with this third beta.  So many times I have wanted to call my clinic and ask to come in earlier for another beta, but P and I have decided that whatever is going to happen will happen whether I go in tomorrow or Friday so we will continue to wait.  I have begun to feel a few symptoms which has reassured me a little.  I get pretty tired late afternoon to the point where I need to lie down on the couch because my energy goes from high to low in about 2 minutes.  My boobs have also gotten pretty tender.  But, besides that, I feel pretty good.  The bloating (IVF pouch) is still out of control, but the pain/stretching/tearing feeling of my ovaries and abdomen has improved. 

Tomorrow, I will be 5 weeks and I am trying to force myself to believe that this will work.  Every once in a while we talk about our possible due date (April 2013) and what great timing that would be.  How much fun it would be to pregnant over the holidays and what kind of cute Christmas card we could send out.  We started talking about a nursery and how long I would take off from work, but I am trying not to talk about it too much.  I am trying hard not to get too attached.  Maybe I will feel better after Friday.  Or maybe this is just the way it is going to be for a while.  This fertility stuff has already taken so much from us, I hate that I am allowing it to continue to run my life.  Hopefully I will look back at this post in a few weeks and realize how silly we were for worrying so much.

On our drive home from Maine I heard this song for the first time and went right on the computer to find the lyrics...I feel like so many of us could have written this song ourself...

Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride