Trying to Stay Positive

I didn't sleep much last night, but I wasn't nervous.  It was more anxiety, everything catching up with me.

I made it to accupuncture by 8 and we were at our clinic for 8:45.  They called us back at 9:15 where we sat in a little room, me with a full bladder ready to explode!

We were prepared to transfer 1, we were prepared to get a great report on our 12 embryos.

Turns out we weren't prepared at all!


The report wasn't very good.  Of the 12 embryos, a lot of them had stopped dividing, and those that were continuing really weren't doing it at an appropriate pace.  We found out we had 2 7-cell embryos and 1 5-cell and the rest were still 2, 3, and 4 cell.  Had we had lots of 7 and 8-cell embryos he would have thought this was a good batch and transferring 1 would be great, but the low cell count overall is indicative that even even these 7-cell embryos probably aren't great and may not be strong enough to implant.  We never heard the words good or great when describing our embryos.  This was not my normal RE, but he is the one who did my retrieval and I really respect his opinion and am actually considering switching over to him becasue we like him that much.  He said in most cases he recommends transferring only 1, but because our overall batch looked the way it did, what he should have said was shitty, he really recommended 2 to give us our best chance.  He also believed that maybe we might be narrowing in on our "unexplained diagnosis.". Yes, I can make lots of eggs, but their quality sucks, my words not his!  Both the embryologist and Dr. B didn't believe any of our little embryos we worked so hard to create would make it to freeze.  This made both of us really sad.

So, they left us alone and P and I talked.  I wish I could say I am 100% confident in our decision but I am not.  We decided to transfer 2 instead of 1.  We couldn't imagine leaving 1 of the (2) 7-cells behind and what if we transferred only 1 and the other didn't make it to freeze, we would have always been wondering "what if?"

If this doesn't work, we will have to go through the entire IVF process again.  If both take, we will have twins.  I have never felt comfortable with the idea of twins but at the same time, all of this just sounded so not promising and P was so confident in the doctor and also strongly agreed with the idea of 2, so that's what we decided.

The transfer was so much easier than the one for the IUI.  It couldn't have gone any better and we watched the embryos getting dropped off in my uterus.  After, one of my favorite nurses came in and talked with us for a while, and bent down to give me a huge hug which made me cry.  She told me how hard she was rooting for us and if I had any questions or concerns to call and ask to talk to her specifically and she would be there for me in a heartbeat.  I couldn't have asked for better care throughout the whole process.

But, in the end, none of that will matter if we find out in 2 weeks we are still not pregnant.

I am sad that we got such a crummy report and that the room wasn't filled with hope.  I am sad that we probably won't have any to freeze.  I am just sad...but trying to stay positive...

I know I should be happy, but I just wasn't prepared for a bad report today.  This is why I always prepare for the worst, because there is no worse feeling than being disappointed after your hope has been high.  To get 19 eggs and only have 2 look good on day 3...ugh!!!

For now, I am going to try and stay positive, focus on the positive, because at this very moment, I guess you could say I am pregnant...with twins...holy crap