Stims Day 8 (and FULL of emotion)

Yesterday was a very weird day for me.  I realized that I had been spending the past 3 weeks (since starting Lupron) actually probably the past 2 months living in fear of IVF.  Fear I would hyperstimulate, fear something would go wrong, fear I wouldn't be able to get through it mentally, physically, emotionally. 

Shortly after starting the drugs I wanted to stop, I didn't think I could cut it.  I was so afraid of everything.  The pain, the hormones, my stomach.  Turns out, I can handle it.  I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.  After my estradiol came back so high on Monday, I freaked out, wanted to pull out altogether, thinking to myself, I knew this was going to happen and maybe I just have to deal with the fact that I may never have children.

And then I got the phone call that the doctors had gotten my estradiol under control and things were moving along nicely and for the first time in a long time I felt a little hint of hope.  My doctor who told me she was going to do everything she could to make sure I was okay, lived up to her word and she is taking care of me.  I am in no means out of the woods as far as OHSS goes, but I am certainly in a much better place then I was on Monday.

Hope is a very dangerous thing. Too much of it and it can lead you down a path of devastation, but not enough and it can cloud your days with dark thoughts. For the first time yesterday, I opened my heart to the possibility that this might work. 

I guess I am a half-empty kind of girl.  My personality doesn't really show it, but I always like to be prepared for worst case, the only problem is, that doesn't leave much room for hope.  Well, slowly, hope is creeping in and although I am still so scared, my heart is opening up just a little to the possibility that we may have a baby at the end of all this.  And even if we don't I know I can put myself through this again.  Because I want to be a mom.  I need to be a mom.

On to IVF news...

My u/s showed a few more measurable follicles which was good and the growth finally seems to be catching up with my estradiol.  I had 5 measuring larger than 12 mm on my left and 3 measuring larger than 12 mm on my right.  And still lots more smaller ones.  I just got the phone call from my nurse that I am to keep my dose the same tonight (75 iu) and back for more fun tomorrow morning.  She also commented that things seem to be moving along nicely (which was such a relief to hear.) 

The girl who always does my b/w isn't in on weekends and I almost cried when I left her because I most likely will not see her again until after the egg retrieval and transfer.  It's so crazy how strangers have a way of creeping into your life and become so much more than that during this process.  Anyways, my estradiol is still climbing, but once again much slower.  It came in today at 1,580.  The nurse doing my u/s this morning expects I will trigger Sunday night and go in Tuesday morning, but it was just a guess.

On another note, I seriously feel like the Easter Bunny.  I hope I am not alone in feeling this way, but when I go to the bathroom, I honestly check after each time to make sure an egg didn't fall out...weirdest sensation EVER!