Overdrive

That's me. My mind is racing. I am trying to stay calm and live in the moment, but it's really not me. I am a planner, I hate not knowing what is going to happen next. Guess that's why these last 20 months have been so difficult. Nothing has gone as planned and I have given up virtually all of my control to doctors and science.

The progesterone has kicked in. I am very bloated. My weight is still normal. Like I said, I have lost a few pounds over these last few weeks, so if anything I am trying to shovel food in my mouth. But, I am uncomfortable. That is an expected side effect of the progesterone. I have also had some uterine cramping, another side effect. Still waiting/wishing for the swollen boobs, still nothing!

My range of emotions throughout the day go anywhere from anger, sadness, fear, to hope and happiness. I am trying hard not too look to far ahead because we don't know what this cycle will bring, but the thought of going through another fresh cycle in another month or two makes me sick. I know I can do it, but my poor body. How will these medications effect me 10, 20, 30 years down the line? It's crazy you get to a point in all this where you don't even think about those things anymore. Your desire for a baby trumps all.

I guess I have been taking it easy. My doctor did not put me on bed-rest but did say to take it easy these next few weeks. My husband seems to think that since I am up and moving around that everything (including me) is back to normal. In a not so nice way, I have to remind him that just last week I was carrying around 19 months worth of eggs inside of me (most women only produce 1 egg each month.) But, we're working on it!

We had a wedding to go to Friday night. So, after spending all day on the couch I showered and got dressed and we went to the reception for a few hours. It was so surreal being there. Knowing what we had been through over these past 4 weeks, even that morning, and knowing just about no one had any idea. To everyone, we were still the same people. Had I broken my arm and had it in a cast or been sick and in the hospital just a few days before, I am sure just about everyone would have run up to me and asked how I was doing. It's not that I want anyone's sympathy or pity, I DON'T, not even in the slightest, but sometimes a hug or a quick "I'm thinking of you..." is just what we need. That is what sucks about infertility. It is invisible. It is silent.  And it slowly eats you up inside.

So, before I wrap it up, I thought I would let everyone know what is up with my embryos (if they have continued to grow) according to the NYU Fertility Center. On their website they have laid out what happens each day after the transfer of 3 day embryos...

1 DPT: the embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
2 DPT: The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
2 DPT: The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
4 DPT: The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
5 DPT: THe blastocyst attaches deeper into the ulterine lining, beginning implantation
6 DPT: Implantation continues
7 DPT: Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
8 DPT: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the bloodstream
9 DPT: Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
10 DPT: Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
11 DPT: Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Of course I will be testing early.  Of course I will know, walking into my beta what the results already are.  Haven't you been reading, I am a control freak!  But, I will not be sharing the results on the blog until after my beta.

I cannot thank everyone enough for the texts, emails, and comments over these past 48 hours.  I have been really down in the dumps and they have helped tremendously!  Keep the prayers coming xoxo