Almost Over

In 2 days, my 2ww will be over.  I will get that phone call and we will begin again, and I am anxious to get going.

We have another wedding tonight. I have mixed feelings about going.  He was one of my good friends our last few years of high school and our first few years into college.  We don't talk as much anymore, but lately P and him have become closer.  So, I am really excited to see him today and a bunch of guys we went to high school with.  I am NOT excited about making small talk with their wives/girlfriends.  Like I have said before I have always related better with guys then girls, I love to laugh and joke around.  But, I feel like I am now at an age where it is not as socially acceptable to hang with the guys haha and I have to force myself to make conversation with their wives/girlfriends.    Normally, I would have a few drinks and it would be a BLAST, but a few months ago when we got the invitation, we just knew there was NO WAY I wouldn't be pregnant, so we didn't get a hotel room because we knew I wouldn't be drinking and could drive home.  Worst of both worlds: I am NOT pregnant and I CANNOT get drunk because I have to drive home...ughh hopefully one glass of wine will help.

I woke up the last two mornings and tested.  WHY?  Because I am obsessed.  I know I am not pregnant, and it is just cruel to keep doing this to myself, but I can't help it.  I have even debated stopping the progesterone suppositories because the way they are messing with my hormones.  But, it is my first cycle on them and I only have 2 more nights, so I can hang in there.

P took Thursday and Friday off and insisted we go somewhere for the night.  And although I fought him all the way, not wanting to go, I have to admit it was good to get away.  When the three of us (Sage included) are away from here it feels like we are in our own little bubble.  It isn't that our problems with having a baby disappear (we actually had a nice conversation about it while out to dinner Thurs. night) but they aren't in our face all the time.  Our two upstairs bathrooms are filled with monitors, OPKs, leftover syringes (which I should probably toss out,) tests, and anything else you can think of.  No matter how much I try to not let it, it is taking over my life. 

Thursday and Friday were nice enough that we decided to take Sage to the beach.  Dogs are allowed until Memorial Day, and we LOVE to watch her run around.  P especially loves it.  At one point I was taking a picture of the two of them and I thought to myself, could I be happy if it was just the 3 of us and a huge lump started forming in my throat.  Since the day we got Sage we have talked about how good she will be around kids.  She is the best dog in the world, and that is not me just being bias!  She loves to play, she's protective, she cuddles with us in the morning...How could you not love this face?? 

 

We have been talking a lot about getting a new car, an SUV for me, and when we went to the beach we were in an SUV and Sage can't jump up.  So, as we were driving away P said to me that we are going to have to get one of those mini step stools for when we get an SUV this Fall.  When I asked why, he told me because Sage would need one to get into the car.  She is a LAB!  She is going to have to learn how to jump up I told him as I was laughing.  He is going to be such a good dad...

Then come the questions...Why is this happening to us?  Why can so many people want a baby and then have one?  I know I can handle this and I hope P can, but that doesn't mean I want to.

The number 12 seems to be popping up a lot lately.  To be considered infertile, a couple needs to be trying for at least 12 months on their own.  May will mark our 17th month and I don't feel ANY closer, in fact, after the Clomid in Nov. and Dec., and the Bromocriptine since Jan, and the IUI this month (all things that were supposed get us a baby and have failed) I feel farther away from having a baby than I ever have.  I am trying so hard on a daily basis to be okay with it, but the bottom line is, it just makes me sad. 

Between 10-12% of couples deal with infertility when trying to have a baby.  That means almost 90% DON'T! 

At my clinic the success rate for an IUI is 12% for a typical couple.  We are dealing with a few issues that make us a not so typical couple, so does that mean our success rate is even lower?  Doesn't that seem like a shot in the dark?  Are we wasting our time?  We missed my LH surge for IUI #1, what if it happens the next two cycles?  Will I look back and wonder why did we waste this valuable time?  I guess only time will tell...