Not Bad Days, Just Bad Moments...

I am currently 9 dpiui.  The first few days of my 2ww were horrible because I felt like crap.  Since then, I have felt great!  My stomach is still a little funky, but totally related to the progesterone.  One of the side effects I was looking forward to having was bigger boobs, but OF COURSE that didn't happen!

I have been on vacation since Monday and the weather has been gorgeous.  I am in such a better place than I was 2 months ago, during February vacation.  I have spent time with friends, shopped, cleaned, and gone on long walks with my pup (who also doubles as my therapist...I pay her in treats!)

I haven't had any bad days lately, just bad moments.  I have been in the car a lot lately.  I love to drive in the warm weather, with the windows down, blasting my radio, it makes me happy.

But, there are still bad moments and in those moments it feels I am in the middle of the ocean, drowning, desperately searching for something to save me, and I can't find it.  In those small moments I feel tired...tired of acting like everything is fine, tired of watching everyone else have babies...tired of constantly trying to swim, just to stay above the water. 

The thing is I can't put my finger on what causes those bad moments, one day this week P came home from work and I just got teary eyed, another time I was in the car listening to a song, and my mind must have wandered off and again I got tears in my eyes.  Babies are EVERYWHERE.  I went off facebook about a month ago and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I know so many people in the upcoming months that are due to give birth and a few of our friends even had children that turned 1 this month, that does make me a little sad. 

Like I said though, I am in a much better place.  I know that no matter what happens I will be okay.  I will bounce back, my body will bounce back.  I am 99% sure this cycle failed and although I will be sad when I get the phone call, I might even break down for a few minutes, but I know I will be okay.  Some of you will tell me to be hopeful over these next few days and while I appreciate it, I am simply being honest with myself.  It would be the most wonderful miracle if it happened this month, but we were fighting an uphill battle almost from the start.

We have decided we will move forward with another IUI, assuming this one was unsuccessful, and I am cleared of cysts.  P told me the decision was mine, and I feel comfortable going ahead.  The shots were a piece of cake, I had almost no side effects, with the exception of the trigger, and I will be much more prepared.  I talked to my doctor's office today and there will be a change in my plan, but we will not know specifics until next week. 

So, for now, I am enjoying every minute of my vacation and my alone time.  I know our day will come, I just hope it comes sooner rather than later because this sunny weather can't last forever...