Worst Timing EVER

I got my period yesterday.  Seemed rather fitting since it was also the day I had my appt. with Dr. P

It went well, as well as it could have gone.  P didn't go and it was kind of sad to be sitting there alone.  I don't feel overwhelmed more a sense of melancholy I guess, kind of just going through the motions.  Happy we have options, unhappy we need them. 

On to my meeting with Dr. P...

In her words, she has never seen a patient respond to meds. the way I did.  Which is why she does not feel comfortable going forward with another IUI.  I was started on the lowest possible dose 75 and I was a follicle-making machine.  She really didn't think it was safe.  Each month the ovaries respond differently, for all we know, as responsive as my ovaries were, next time could be worse.  With IVF there is much more control.  So, we will be moving forward with IVF w/ ICSI. 

I expressed my huge fear of OHSS and IVF and she said those fears were warranted.  I probably will develop it, to what extent, like she said, she wished there was a crystal ball she could look into and tell me, but we will just have to take a leap of faith that it will not be severe.  When we move forward with IVF she will be starting me out on the lowest dose of Gonal-F she has ever started a patient on (112.)  This makes me feel good and bad.  Good, because I know she is looking out for me, but bad because we might not get a great response.  She said she likes to get anywhere between 10-15 eggs.  Shouldn't be a problem for me (I hope!) 

So, the timing.  Yesterday.  I sat down with the IVF Coordinator and she gave me an estimated date of June 13 for egg retrieval give or take a few days.

I also sat down with the insurance/financials person again and after getting authorization which shouldn't be a problem, insurance wouldn't be a problem (we are so very lucky, I know.)
As apprehensive as I was just two days ago, hearing Dr. P talk about sperm and egg FINALLY meeting and forming our own little embryos was so exciting.  It got me to thinking that maybe, just maybe, this could be our time.  So, since I have had such a change of heart, let's get started NOW! 

Oh wait, my brother is getting married the first weekend in July and I have the shower, bachelorette party, and all things wedding in both June and the beginning of July.  What does that mean? We will most likely have to put this off for 2 more months.  We have come this far and now more waiting.  Kind of frustrating, but I refuse to be that person that takes attention away from my brother, as selfish as I think I should be allowed to be right now, I don't want to do it.  What if I missed the shower?  People would be talking about ME, not them.  What if I get a bad case of OHSS and it screws everything up?  Again, it would be about me, and as much as I want so badly it to be about me right now, I just don't think it's the right thing to do.  This is my one and only sibling and I want to be able to celebrate the day with him, without any unwanted attention on me.  To think, we started trying back in December of '10 so we would have a baby before the wedding, so I wouldn't be pregnant for the wedding, and here we are almost a year and a half later not pregnant, no baby, no belly!

Impulsive me (still) wants to jump right into this head first.  Like I just jumped into planting flowers in the ground last weekend, even though we are expecting a frost this weekend and they will probably die!!  Ahhh!  But, if we jumped right in, I would spend the whole cycle in a panic, worried about timing, and dates, and everything else, and I don't think that is a good state of mind to be starting out in. 

What does all this mean?  We most likely will be waiting two cycles (this one and the next) and then begin IVF.  That would put us right around the beginning of the last week in June, and then I would begin the Lupron 3 weeks after that and we would be on our way.  No, it's not fair and it seems so far away, and yes I would like nothing more than to whine about it.  But, maybe this is a good thing.  If IVF is anything like my IUI it will probably not go smooth, and maybe we are not ready for that right now.  Our relationship certainly isn't.  We are both walking around on eggshells, each time one of us opens our mouth, the other is ready to pounce.  Maybe we can use this time to focus on us a little bit more. 

In the meantime I have to go in for cd 3 b/w on Friday, the last step needed before authorization can be sent out to our insurance company for our first IVF cycle.  Turns out my last cd 3 b/w to measure my e2 and FSH (ovarian reserve) was done in May of last year.  Holy shit, it was almost a year ago when I paid a visit to my OBGYN expressing my concerns after 5 months without success, she thought I just needed to give it more time, oh how I wish she had been right!