Tuesday, December 11, 2012

20 weeks...and ALL over the place

Everytime I get ready to blog, I stop.  I don't know why.  None of this has happened the way I pictured and I guess I am still having a hard time swallowing it. 

Three days after we had our High Risk ultrasound I had a follow-up with my OB.  I expected nothing but good news because the ultrasound looked so great.  Then she used words that took a while to sink in with me: "There is a link between unexplained high AFP and fetal death."

I didn't quite grasp what she was saying at the appt.  Of course I was alone.  And then I got in the car and the fear hit me like a ton of bricks.  Did she just say there is an increased chance that the baby might die? 

Because of this, beginning around 26 weeks, which will be early February, I will be going in twice a week, every week for non stress tests, until I deliver.  That means I will be hooked up to a monitor for anywhere between 30-60 minutes and they will monitor baby's heartrate, activity, as well as check for contractions.  I will also need serial growth ultrasounds at 28, 32, and 36 weeks.  Chances are everything will be fine, and if it isn't I am being monitored so closely, that they will most likely get the baby out if things do start to go wrong.

Since hearing this a few weeks ago, my emotions have been all over the place.  I am half way through this pregnancy, and just in the last few days I feel like I have for sure felt movement from the baby.  Before then , I was scared to death.  Physically, this pregnancy has been super easy, no morning sickness, exhaustion is gone, and besides this cute little belly, everything seems normal.  That would be great, if we weren't dealing with all the what ifs.  I am praying I continue to feel the baby moving and it continues to grow stronger.

The best part of everything that has happened over this last month, is we found out the sex.  No, we didn't have one of those fun anatomy scans that everyone talks about.  We didn't get one of those.  We didn't get an ultrasound where the doctor explained eveything he/she was seeing and showed us the baby waving or sucking its thumb.  Instead we found out in a dark room, by a strange doctor, who was performing a high risk ultrasound on my baby, looking to see if something was wrong, telling us absolutely nothing.  I decided right before the appt. that I needed to know then if it was a boy or girl.  Screw the stupid Christmas idea, it didn't mean anything anymore. 

For those few days between my high risk ultrasound and follow up appt. with my OB we rejoiced in knowing we are having a GIRL.  Since then, we are still so happy, but I can't help but feel like we have missed out on so many "happy" moments throughout this process.  I am still so sad that we never got to get pregnant the "normal" way.  Every once in a while I get sad over the other embryo that didn't make it, even though not one ounce of me wanted twins.  And I am so very sad that the anatomy scan we had looked forward to and the Christmas surprise we had planned (finally, we would get to do something a normal pregnant woman does) ended up being something that never was.  But, I am also so very grateful.  Grateful we only had to go through one IVF, grateful we are pregnant with our first baby, and over the moon that it is a little girl.  My parents first grandchild, a little baby girl.

I never expected this to be an easy pregnancy emotionally, but I had hoped I would be able to enjoy it a little more.  I just want the baby in my arms.  And I want people to stop telling me I shouldn't worry or everything is going to be fine.  I know there are so many of you still stuck in the trenches and many others dealing with very difficult news about your own pregnancy.  None of it seems fair.  And yet, so few understand.  So many will ever know.

I will post an update on pregnancy stuff tomorrow because there are a lot of exciting things happening and I have probably already spent hundreds of dollars on little girl clothes (stress reliever) but right now I just needed to get this out. 

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, considering getting pregnant wasn't so easy, but I really had no idea it would be this hard!

This baby girl just has to know how much her mommy and daddy love her, and that everything will be okay.