Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Knock knock, who's there?

Finally, AF has arrived! Ironic that I am so excited it is here when I want so badly to be pregnant. But, when your gut tells you that you're not pregnant all you want is to get started on the next cycle. CD 1 gives me hope. This will be our 15th cycle and at the end of this one we will finally begin preparing for our first IUI. My meds will arrive March 22nd and I should go in for my baseline bloodwork/ultrasound at the end of March. I go back and forth about whether we should have just jumped into it this month. But both P and I turn 29 in the next few weeks and it will be nice to enjoy (if its possible) this last month before our life becomes full of shots, bloodwork, and even more stress. Oh well, we made the decision to wait so I am going to try my best to make the most of it! Hoping the snow stays away over these next few days, so ready for warm weather!!

On a side note...I marked down today as the start of CD 1 and recorded my huge drop in BBT.  I then decided decided to take a walk down memory lane and take a look back at my charts (hadn't done that in a while because it was so depressing) and what do you know, the first day I ever took my BBT was a year ago on this VERY EXACT DATE: February 28, 2011...talk about strange coincidence?? Never thought 365 days ago I would still be sticking the damn thermometer in my mouth.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Everything will be okay in the end...if it's not ok then it's not the end

I haven't been myself lately.  I haven't cried in weeks, maybe even months.  It is not that I am typically a crier, more that I have very strong feelings and I do not hide them very well. I can remember in the Fall last year where there were a few instances where P would find me sobbing hysterically in the bathroom.  Althought I was not at my best during those moments at least I knew I was feeling something.  I went into the shower today just to try and make myself cry, and I couldn't get even one tear, so after about 5 minutes I realized how stupid it was and quickly got out!

Sunday is my day to grocery shop.  So, I got in the car and headed to Stop & Shop and Target blasting my new Coldplay cd.  It was then that I began to get a little teary eyed, I am not sure what set me off but I think it had to do with a facebook message I read yesterday that I began to think about.  I got a friend request from one of my student's parents a few weeks ago and was hesitant to accept.  I never become friends with paernts until their child is out of my classroom.  But, for some reason I decided to accept her request, I had her oldest son about four years ago and now have her youngest daughter.  After accepting I never thought twice about it. 

Then, yesterday when I was on facebook checking my inbox I noticed a message from her dated Jan. 28th that I had somehow never noticed before.  It was just a few lines, something like, M has told me you have been out a few times and how much she misses you when you are gone, hope everything is okay and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.  Just a few simple words that I replayed over in my head in the car on my way to Target and it brought tears to my eyes.  We sometimes forget how much people care about us.  It is so easy to be angry, frustrated, and sad that it is sometimes nice to remind yourself that you will be okay, and you will get through this.

I finally realized why this week has been so crappy.  I miss my job.  That is one of the few things right now I can count on to make me feel good.  I enjoy just about everyday I spend with my 22 little monsters no matter how much they drive me crazy.  They need me, and that is a good feeling.  And they need me to be strong EVERY DAY.  But, I am now coming to the conclusion that I need them just as much!  For those 7 hours a day, my life is just the way I had planned.  A first grade teacher, adorable little students, pictures of my wedding on my desk...

I hope I can find myself again this week, I am pretty sure P misses me!

Friday, February 24, 2012

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter...(or so claims Kelly Clarkson's new song)

I don't feel much like a fighter today.  All that excitement I wrote about two days ago about having a plan and moving forward disappeared.  It's gone and I can't seem to get it back.  The weather isn't helping much either, typical February cold, rainy/snowy, and gray.  I am an emotional wreck, being on vacation this week has been the worst possible thing for me.  All my friends that I would have spent time with either have babies or are pregnant.  Is it bad that I couldn't psych myself up to see them over these past few days?   After getting 4 BFNs over these past 4 days and having a drop in my BBT I am finally realizing that this isn't going to happen for us on our own.  We were so hopeful this cycle, my cycle was FINALLY normal, I knew exactly when things were happening and we come up empty AGAIN.  P doesn't even know what to say anymore...how many times can you say I'm sorry or this sucks??  Next month will be our last (15th) cycle before our first IUI and I wish we could just fast forward time.   

I have always had a feeling in my gut I would have trouble conceiving, and when it didn't happen after 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, even a year, everyone told me to just relax, some people take a little longer, everything is fine.  I was right, I knew it.  But, I don't want to be right.  It's obviously not a mother's instinct, maybe a woman's instinct?? I feel like P and I are stuck on a roller coaster and we can't get off.  I want to get off!! 

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully P and I will do something to snap me out of this, unfortunately AF will be making her appearance this weekend so good luck to him!  I am off to pick up a pizza and have a glass of wine...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Really??? Really???

I love to laugh, I think that is one of the things P loves/hates about me.  I like to think I bring out his playful side because he is often laid back and very reserved where I am much more intense.  There are not many things that we both find funny so I appreciate those few times I find us laughing together.  As we left our stressful appt. yesterday, we were both laughing!  Yes, the appt. was extremely difficult, stressful, and overwhelming, but we were able to meet someone that made us laugh! 

Of  course we spent most of our visit with Dr. P yesterday but when we had our plan there were a few more people we had to meet.  The insurance person was first and she was great, I swear they must take some type of training for how to deal with couples going through infertility because everyone we have met has been so wonderful and kind.  THEN we had to meet the financial counselor.  Really???  Now, my post will come full circle. 

If anyone has ever watched SNL, P and I DVR it every Saturday night and skim through it on Sundays for those 1 or 2 funny skits.  Well they do this funny news skit called REALLY??  that P and I both laugh at.  So, when we walked into the financial counselor's office yesterday I felt like we were watching SNL, she was great.  After telling us our insurance coverage was great I asked her what tests we (mainly I) would need to do if IUI didn't work and had to move to IVF.  She said the only thing I would need to have done was a sonohystogram?  I immediately thought back to the HSG I had done in December and she could see the pure panic written across my face.  Then it began.  She had obviously been through the HSG and reassured me the sonohystogram should be much less feared.  She proceeded to say:

Take Motrin...REALLY???
You won't feel a thing...REALLY???
It is quick and painless...REALLY???
Oh it's easy...REALLY???

We felt like she said really, maybe 6 or 7 times and with that, we thanked her and left laughing.  It was a nice way to walk out of a stressful appt.  I guess somedays laughter is the best medicine...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Finally, a plan

So, we had our second visit with the RE.  I went with tons of questions (of course only got a few out because it was so overwhelming.)  And, we FINALLY have a plan.  My prolactin went down from 29 to 10, which was great!  The bad news was Dr. P told us all that trying we did throughout the ENTIRE year last year was probably never going to get us pregnant.  Because my cycles were all over the place and my prolactin was high, the egg quality was most likely not great.  We knew that our chances were low because of our visits to the urologist, but knowing we had almost no chance each month?  To say I was devastated was an understatement.  P asked me later if I was mad at my OB (she recognized the levels in May of 2011, retested me and they were still borderline high) because she didn't do anything about it almost a year ago!  I don't really have an answer for that, my OB was fantastic, she listened to me, she would call me at night with bloodwork results, and she referred me to the wonderful Dr. P (not to be confused with my husband P) who now has a plan for us! 

Dr. P asked us what we felt comfortable doing for next steps.  Since I am expecting AF in the next few days, it was too quick to begin any treatment for my upcoming cycle, so we will start at the end of March and I will continue taking the bromocriptine.  We will be moving forward with the IUI w/FSH injections.  Who knew I would be excited about shots?? I am the girl who was petrified to go to the doctor even if I was sick because I always associated it with getting a shot!  Unfortunately I also found out about the progesterone suppositories, doesn't sound too fun, and when I asked how long we need to continue them after the inseminaton, she told us 8 weeks if we receive a BFP.  8 weeks, gross!  But, if it will get us a baby, that is what we have to do. 

I would like to say I am hopeful because a part of me is, but then the other very realistic side of me knows that we only have at most a 20% chance of getting pregnant with each IUI.  We decided we will stop after 3, maybe even 2 and move to IVF if we don't meet success.  I know it might not happen, I have always planned for the worst, hoped for the best.  But, at least we have a plan...

I have decided I need to find something to do.  I used to play sports, exercise, SWEAT, and lately this whole baby thing has been all consuming.  One of my friends mentioned ZUMBA but I am a little hesitant since I have always been a basketball player, never a dancer!  Either way, I need to find an outlet, some way to release all this anxiety/tension or else I will never make it until the end of March...      

Monday, February 20, 2012


It didn't take long for me to come up with a name for my blog. For some reason this came to me right away. Throughout these last 14 months there have been tiny bits of hope:

The first few months when we started trying and I started tracking and knew we were timing it PERFECTLY!
When my bbt stayed up one day longer than normal.
Every month when my bbt rises because I know I have ovulated and there is a chance that this could be the month.
When I had my HSG and was told the first few months after you have a great chance of becoming pregnant.
Every visit to the doctor when I hope that whatever they tell me will be the missing piece.
When I went on clomid for 2 cycles and was told I "super ovulated".
And now after taking bromocriptine for only 25 days I find my cycle shortened from 56 days to what looks like to be a 31 day cycle I am hopeful...

It is these tiny bits of hope that keep me moving forward even though all I want to do is scream and cry (I certainly have done enough of that lately haha)!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Line in the sand...

I find myself asking the same question over and over again, "how did this happen, why can so many others get pregnant with only a few months of trying, and we have done EVERYTHING right from the beginning and still come up empty?"  I don't say it out of jealousy or anger, I say it out of sadness and frustration.  I have a wonderful husband, the best little pup, and we have the support of 2 great families and a few very close friends aware of our struggle; I wouldn't trade any of that.  BUT, I continue to wonder why?  I have been clinging to blogs lately to remind myself that there are many others out there that have been doing this for so much longer than P and me and wonder how they find the strength.  What I am realizing is you don't have a choice, you don't always have to be strong, but you have to keep trying.  If you want it bad enough there is nothing you will not do to get it.

When we first began TTC I remember going through it with a few friends.  We would share our BFN stories and decide how we were going to assure pregnancy the following month.  Then all of a sudden there was no one left to plan with because everyone around me had either announced they were pregnant or already gave birth!  How did that happen so fast?  Now, I find myself with almost no one to talk to because until you go through "it" you don't understand it, you CAN'T possibly understand it, so it is better to just not talk about it at all.  This year many people have approached me at work and commented on how tired I look and checking in to see if everything was ok because I have spent most of the school year just going through the motions, surviving.  To most I reply, I have a lot going on in my personal life and teaching is exhuasting.  To a few, I give them a little peek into what has been going on.  The problem is once you begin talking about it people continue to ask and somedays I just don't want to talk about it.  I don't want people to feel bad or look at me with sadness in their eyes, I just want them to be there for support. 

I am 6 dpo and with only 4 days until another visit with our RE I am crossing my fingers that maybe that 2-3% chance we were given of conceiving on our own was boosted with the Bromocriptine and maybe just MAYBE this will be the month!   

Friday, February 17, 2012

Kids say the darndest things...

I am usually prepared for what kids have to say but this particular day I was caught off guard. I am not one that takes lots if days off from school. But, this year has been a different story. With all of my tests, and appts. with specialists I have missed more days this year then in the my last 5 years combined, and the students have noticed! So I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised when one of my little girls asked why I had been missing so many days of school. When I pretended I didn't hear her she then asked if I was pregnant to which I responded no but I would love to be! That night I got an email from her mom. Obviously I had been dinner time conversation and I am okay with that. One thing I have realized over this past year is how much people care and it is so comforting.

I know I already gave a brief history of our TTC journey but I left out something pretty important. I will be the first woman to give birth on my mom's side since my mom gave birth to my younger brother 26 years ago. If it only stopped there...I do have two female cousins (no sisters) but neither have given birth yet. A month before my mom gave birth to my younger brother my aunt gave birth to my handsome little cousin. However, within days of giving birth my family was dealt a tremendous tragedy...my aunt passed away because of a brain aneurysm. To say I haven't thought about her would be a lie. I thought about her when we began TTC, I thought about her when I realized it wouldnt be easy for us, I thought about her when I went in for an MRI of my brain and I continue to think about her as we get ready for our second appt with our RE to plan our next steps. Life isnt fair and it often times doesn't make sense. My mom always tells me how much my aunt loved me, if only I could remember...I like to think she is with me now watching over P and me as we begin this journey.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

How we got here...

Oh...where to begin!  My husband (P) and I married in June of 2009 after being together 8 years.  Like so many other bloggers out there, we have a wonderful pup that has been our source of comfort and love over these past 14 months.  It all started in December of 2010 when after many months of discussion/planning we decided to start trying.  After just a few months something didn't feel right, so I diligently began tracking my BBT, ordered a ClearBlue Fertility Monitor, ovulation sticks, you name it!  Around May I made an appt. with my OBGYN who ordered some bloodwork and everything seemed ok except my Prolactin levels were slightly elevated (29) so she had me come in for one more try and they were again right around 29 and she wasn't very concerned, and told me just keep trying.  September rolled around and my cycles were ALL over the place anywhere from 30-42 days.  After recommending testing for P she wrote me a script for Clomid which I was to start in October.  The Clomid worked as it shortened my cycles to 30 and 32 days and my bloodwork showed I "super ovulated" whatever that means!  Unfortunately since November we have had many hurdles.  My husbands testing has been consistently inconsistent (I will not say anymore than that to respect his privacy) which is why we were sent to the urologist and told to discontinue use of the Clomid. I underwent the HSG test which I was such a nervous wreck for that I almost passed out on the table.  Yes, it was quick and a lot of build up BUT for those few minutes it was painful!  Luckily I did not have much cramping afterwards and besides being completely exhausted I was fine and spent the day relaxing on the couch.

In January we went for our first visit to our RE who I absolutely LOVE.  She was slightly concerned about my Prolactin which I referenced above and ordered an MRI of my brain to see if there was a tumor in my pituitary gland which was messing up my ovulation.  Luckily I came through with flying colors and they gave me a clean bill of health for my brain.  However, she still wanted me to begin Bromocriptine to lower the levels as they were not in the normal range.  The timing of that appt. couldn't have been any better because little did I know I was on my way to a 56 day cycle.  A "normal" cycle should be between 26 and 35 days. 

That brings me to today.  It has been 14 months, I have been on 2 different meds, tried every type of tracking there is and beyond frustrated.  We have another appt. with Dr. P next week where we will hopefully plan out the next steps.  Too much is not making sense and with the issues both P and I are dealing with it just doesn't look like it is going to happen naturally. And to be honest I am okay with that, I have accepted that, what I am struggling to accept is all this waiting!!    The bromocriptine seems to be working because I ovulated on cd 17 which is earlier than I ever have (aside from the 2 Clomid cycles.)  Before this cycle, my last one was 56 days!  To say I was depressed over that length of time is an understatement.  I know 14 months doesn't seem like a lot to many but to me it is an eternity, especially as I approach my 29th birthday and EVERYONE around me is pregnant.  My mom (who is my absolute best friend) continues to remind me that everyone has obstacles in their life at one time or another and for the time being this is our obstacle.

Not sure if blogging is for me but I have found it so helpful to read some of the other blogs out there especially over these past few months.  As much as I don't wish this on anyone, it helps to know I am not alone.  The idea of having a baby is all consuming and it is so difficult to continue to hear "you are so young" or "just relax" without freaking out and going into our sob story but this struggle is bringing out my strength and for that I am thankful.  That's all for now...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Our Story

2001 P asked me to the Senior Prom and we began dating

2007 Got engaged (isn't the best story, so I will refrain from sharing haha)

2008 We bought our townhouse that we still currently live in 

2009 In June we got married and then honeymooned in Hawaii (best place ever!)


12/10 We decide after months of discussion, money talk, and everything else to throw away BCP (and in my gut I have a feeling it is not going to happen right away for us, but for the time being I push those feelings to the side)  Turns out I was right...


January & February: normal cycles, BD for 14 days before, around, and after ovulation (every other day)

March: 40 day cycle (begin taking BBT every morning)

April: 42 day cycle (try OPKs...don't work, show me with + on cd 19 and no BBT increase until cd 29!)

May: 30 day cycle...(schedule appt. w/OBGYN and have bloodwork, everything looks good except elevated prolactin levels, also order ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor)

June: 34 day cycle (recheck prolactin, still slightly elevated, OBGYN reminds me we have only been trying 7 months, give it a little more time)
July: 37 day cycle
August/Sept: 35 day cycle (revist OBGYN and handed script for Clomid 50 mg.)
October: Cycle #1 on Clomid 32 day cycle, cd 21 b/w, definitely ovulated
November: Cycle #2 on Clomid 29 day cycle!! cd 21 b/w "super ovulated" probably released multiple eggs
P goes in for SA and there is trouble...we have been referred to RE and Urologist and discontinue Clomid

December: so sad to be off Clomid, and have a 56 DAY CYCLE (are you kidding me??)
HSG Test (Anticipation was a nightmare, wasn't too pleasant a test either!) but it is declared I have a "picture perfect uterus" go figure...


January: appt. #1 w/ RE who is worried about prolactin, orderes Brain MRI and prescribes Bromocriptine which I am to start taking immediately

February: appt. #2 w/ RE...brain MRI came back inconclusive (no brain tumor was large enough to be picked up) determined we would give it 1 more cycle on our own before moving forward with IUI #1

March: BFN

April: IUI #1 BFN

May: sick most of this cycle, only lasted 25 days, and got another negative

May/June: will be our last natural cycle before IVF

June 23rd: period arrived unfortunately

July/August: IVF #1

IVF #1

If this IVF leads to baby #1, I want to remember how it all began!!

Start Date: Friday, July 13th

Needle count: 34
Blood draws: 11
Ultrasounds: 6

Jule 13: b/w confirmed ovulation
  • start 10 units of Lupron @ 7:45 pm to catch up
July 14: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:45 am

July 15: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • did shot at hotel in NY
July 16: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • accupuncture appt.
July 17: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • injection site bled, pretty sure I took some skin off when I pulled the needle out, oops!
  • feel like crap, lethargic, gross, not myself
July 18: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • starting to wonder what my stomach is going to look like after about 30 more injections! I am sure I will be able to play a crazy game of connect the dots!
July 19: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am

July 20: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am

July 21: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am

July 22: 10 units of Lupron @ 8:00 am

July 23: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • accupuncture appt. @ 12:30
  • stomach is starting to be consistently sore from all the shots

July 24: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • period finally arrived around 4 pm
July 25: 10 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • woke up around 4 am with awful cramps from my period (hopefully it's the last time for a while)
July 26: 10 units of Lupron @ 6:15 am
  • Baseline appt. @ 7 am (b/w and u/s)
  • Cleared of any cysts and lining looks nice and thin, go ahead to begin Gonal f tomorrow night

Begin Stimulating Drugs (2 shots a day)

July 27: 5 units of Lupron @ 7:45 am
  • 112.5 iu Gonal f @ 6:30 pm
July 28: 5 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • 112.5 iu Gonal f @ 6:15 pm

July 29: 5 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • 112.5 iu Gonal f @ 6:45 pm
July 30: b/w appt. @ 7 am to check estradiol levels
  • 5 units of Lupron @ 6:30 am
  • accupuncture @ 1:15
  • had to drop Gonal f to 75 iu (estradiol came back at 340)
  • 75 iu Gonal f @ 6:00 pm
July 31: b/w and u/s appt. @ 7:15 am
  • 5 units of Lupron @ 6:30 am
  • estradiol came back at 540...still rising, but a little slower, continue Gonal f at same dose
  • 75 iu Gonal f @ 6:30
August 1: same protocol
  • 5 units of Lupron @ 6:30 am
  • 75 iu Gonal f @ 7 pm
August 2: b/w and u/s @ 7:30 am
  • 5 units of Lupron @ 6:45 am
  • 3 follicles measuring greater than 12 mm and LOTS of smaller ones
  • estradiol came back at 1,100
  • continue Gonal f 75 iu @ 6:45 pm
August 3: b/w and u/s @ 9 am
  • 5 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • 8 follicles measuring greater than 12 mm and LOTS of smller ones
  • accupuncture @ 9:30 am (YAY!)
  • estradiol came back at 1,580
  • continue Gonal f 75 iu @ 7pm
August 4: b/w and u/s @ 8:15 am
  • 5 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • estradiol came back at 2,695, take lowest dose of Gonal-f (37.5)
  • Gonal f @ 7:30 pm
August 5: b/w and u/s @ 8:15 am (please trigger tonight!)
  • 5 units of Lupron @ 7:30 am
  • estradiol came back @ 3,500
  • Trigger shot @ 7:30 pm EXACTLY
August 6: NO SHOTS!  But starting to feel VERY uncomfortable

August 7: Egg Retrieval @ 7:30 am (GET THESE THINGS OUT OF ME!!)
  • retrieved 19 eggs, everything went well
  • stitched up my cervix to make transfer easier on Friday
August 8: Spoke with Embryologist
  • 10 eggs have fertilized (6 the conventional way, and only 4 w/ ICSI)
August 9: Accupuncture @ 10:45
  • spoke w/ embryologist (embryos have continued to divide into 2-cell and 4-cell, and 2 more eggs fertilized over night!!!)
August 10: Transfer Day
  • Of the 12 fertilized eggs, most have stopped growing
  • Transferred two 7-cell embryos
  • Not sure any will make it to freeze
August 12: 2dp3dt
  • Work up in the middle of the night with major cramping, doubled over in pain, spend rest of night between bathroom and couch
August 13: 3dp3dt
  • Starting to feel better finally
August 14 & 15: 4dp3dt & 5dp3dt
  • Feel great, bloating is still there but no longer uncomfortable, haven't felt this good since before starting Lupron
  • tested trigger shot out of my system
  • found out one of our embryos made it to freeze
August 16: 6dp3dt
  • I blogged about feeling nothing. In fact I blogged about feeling great. But, that night I went to bed telling P that I knew there was going to be a second line the next morning.
  • I woke up in the middle of the night screaming at P something about my eggs (I was having a nightmare obviously) I kept saying I forgot to take my medicine for 3 days, what is going to happen to my eggs! He did eventually calm me down and get me back into bed. (I swear I have PTSD from all the injections)
August 17: 7dp3dt
  • There it was...a second line
  • I ran into the other bathroom where P was showering and showed it to him, it was the first time I saw his eyes light up in a very long time
  • Throughout the day I felt pretty crummy, in the way that I had earlier in the week: Bloating was now uncomfortable, it hurt a little to go to the bathroom, just a real heaviness down there along with a little cramping!
  • Was exhausted around 3 pm and laid on the couch for a few hours
  • Had to get up twice in the middle of the night go to the bathroom
  • Woke up in the middle of the night feeling dizzy after going to the bathroom, decide to spend the rest of the night on the couch
August 18: 8dp3dt
  • There was still a second line, but it was the same shade as yesterday's
  • Uncomfortable, feels like my ovaries have swelled again, very bloated by the end of the day
  • Continue to be very dizzy when I get up after sitting for a while
August 19: 9dp3dt
  • Extremely bloated/swollen and uncomfortable (mild case of OHSS?)
  • Dizzy and lightheaded
  • Exhausted, spent most of the day in bed
  • Still peeing regularly and no weight gain (both good things)
  • More importantly, got another positive...this one was even a little darker!
August 20: 10dp3dt
  • put a call into my clinic, beta isn't until Wednesday, but want to know what is going on with my stomach, talked to nurse who was reassured that I was still peeing and not gaining any weight, told to continue to monitor everything
  • nurse told me because I had 19 eggs and such elevated estrogen levels that my follicles are most likely filling back up with fluid/blood because I AM PREGNANT!!!!
  • can take anywhere from a few days to entire first trimester for severe bloating to go down before my body reabsorbs the fluid as it is supposed to
  • besides feeling extremely bloated, am doing much better than yesterday
  • Woke up at 2am with massive cramping (felt like period was coming)
  • Night sweats
August 21: 11dp3dt
  • Stomach is still huge, hope it goes down in the next few weeks before the real baby weight begins!
  • Besides that, no real symptoms (wondering if the Bromocriptine I am still on is keeping some of it in check, if I get a positive Beta, I will most likely discontinue it)
August 22: 12dp3dt BETA DAY!
  • Beta # 1: 202
August 24: 14 dp3dt
  • Beta #2: 360 (78% increase)
August 31: 21dp3dt
  • Beta #3: 3,817
Ultrasound coming soon!!

I don't know what to say...

I got this article from submerged.blogspot.com/ who found it on the Resolve.org website and throught it was really great.  We have amazing families supporting us but I know many do not...this seemed like an awesome article to get some difficult information out to people. 

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

· They will eventually conceive a baby.
· They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
· They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

What the heck does TTC mean?

Here are some helpful hints for abbreviations I may use throughout my blog...

TTC is Trying to Conceive
2ww    Two Week Wait or the Luteal Phase - 14 DPO on average.
AF       Aunt Flo, menstruation, period
BBT    Basal Body Temperature
BC       Birth Control Pills
BFN    Big Fat Negative (Result on a HPT)
CD      Cycle Day
CM     Cervical Mucus
CP      Cervical Position
DPO   Days Past Ovulation
EC      Embryo Cyro/Freezing
EDD   Estimated Due Date
FSH    Follicle Stimulating Hormone
hCG    Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - detected by HPTs
HPT    Home Pregnancy Test
HSG    Hysterosalpingogram - x-ray
IUI       Intrauterine Insemination
IVF      In Vitro Fertilization
LH       Luteinizing Hormone - detected in OPKs
LP        Luteal Phase, days between ov & AF
MFI     Male Fertility Issues
OPK    Ovulation Predictor Kit
RE       Reproductive Endocronolgist - doctor who specializes in fertility problems
SA       Semen Analysis