Wednesday, October 31, 2012

14 weeks 1 day

I had been off facebook since March.  I debated going back on for a while now, but just wasn't ready.  I am still not crazy about being back on, but I really wanted to get the chance to make some sort of announcement on it, just like everyone else gets to.  But I didn't want it to be over the top and I also wanted a small reference to our journey without putting it in people's faces.  So I posted this picture with the following quote "If our journey had been easy...then we wouldn't have you."  The amount of responses I got was overwhelming and in the end I was glad I did it.  But, facebook continues to be a struggle for me. 

My NT scan was almost 2 weeks ago and it went really well.  I was 12w3d (measuring 12w4d) at the time and we saw a nasal bone and spinal cord and the skin fold measurement was 1.8 (1.7 is average for being 12 weeks.)  So, I was happy with that.  Baby was twirling around and sticking it's butt up in the air (definitely a baby of mine!)  I had some b/w done on the same day, but won't know those results until I do another round of bloodwork in 2 weeks.  When I called my insurance to see if they would cover the tests, they said only if I got both the u/s and the b/w...which is why we went ahead with both. 

I am definitely not as run down as I was a few weeks ago, but still really tired.  I can't believe I am 14 weeks already.  First trimseter is over.  And now I am starting to freak out.  Now, the pregnancy is really hitting me.  Every once in a while I look down at my stomach and am a little freaked out by the fact that there is a living breathing human in there!!!!  My stomach is continuing to grow, although it is much worse at night.  Things feel/look different down there and I am starting to wonder how on earth my body is going to do this???  There has already been talk of a c-section, but that freaks me out as well.  Too early for me to be thinking about any of this, I know, but I am already nervous!

I have another appt. with my OB on Friday. I am petrified she is going to tell me I have gained too much weight.  It is all in my stomach.  The problem is, I can't stop snacking!!! I have started cutting down on food I bring to work.  Today, I only brought an apple, carrots/celery with dip, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  But, when I got home I was so hungry I pigged out on doritos and air heads (Halloween candy.)  So gross, I know!!!!

The room did not get painted this weekend like I had hoped.  My husband was sick all last week and didn't get anything done.  You don't know how badly I just want to paint myself, but I know I shouldn't be up on ladders or around the paint, so I am going to squash the urge.  Baby comes first now! 

I know I haven't been blogging lately, just had a lot of stuff on my mind.  I will write about it soon, but just can't put it into words in a way that make sense right now. 

So, here is a picture of me looking less and less blonde but more and more tired!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Is that how the song goes?

That is kind of how I am feeling tonight.

It could be hormones, it could be because our scan is tomorrow, or it could be that I still haven't dealt with the fact that we spent almost 2 years trying to have a baby.  Obsessing over having a baby.  Struggling, crying, pulling away.

These past few weeks I have jumped head first into pregnancy.  That is my nature.  I go, go, go, and then I crash.  In this case, I fall apart.  I have loved telling people, most reactions have been wonderful.  Planning our nursery is one of my favorite things to do.  And seeing my growing belly feels magical at times.

But, tonight, I am having a really bad night.  I have always been the person that has been there for other people when they needed me.  I have always been the first person to send a card for this or that.  My mom has told me in the past she is sorry for rasising me that way.  I don't consider myself the nicest person, that would be my husband, but I do consider myself a very thoughtful person.   I go out of my way for people a lot. Which is great, until I place those expectations on other people.

I am tired of people not understanding.  I am tired of being the person that needs to explain things to people.  Over the past two weeks two different people have texted me about how two of their friends are also having babies in April and how great it was.  These texts shouldn't upset me.  AT ALL.  Except for the fact that both of those "friends of friends" got married in the spring, THIS past spring.  They got married, had sex, and had a baby.  That was what I wanted.  That was supposed to be the way it was for P and me.  It hurts to hear stories like that.  It hurts to know that to my friends I am just another person who got pregnant.  I don't know what I am looking for from them, I just know I am not getting it.  Why can't I just get over it?  It worked, we are having a baby.  One little baby, it is just what I wanted and still I feel a little bit of sadness.  The worst part is I know there are so many of you out there still waiting for your little one, so many that have gone through multiple IVFs, and I should just thank my lucky stars that the first one worked.  And most days I do, but today it hasn't been so easy.

I hope this is all the hormones and not the way things are going to be for me.  Someone at work, my same age, asked me how I was feeling today and then proceeded to ask me if I was tired of being asked that yet because she grew sick of it very quickly when she was pregnant.   What I wanted to say was, I have been waiting almost 2 years to be asked that question, I hope people ask me that question every single day for the rest of my pregnancy.  I feel like I have so much anger and frustration built up that I don't know what to do with it.  I know people mean no harm, but I feel like they don't even think before they talk.  And I am sick of it.  I am sick of letting people off the hook because they don't understand.  Just because they haven't been through it, doesn't mean they can't at least make an EFFORT.  I don't think I am asking too much... 

This tough day could also be because I have my NT scan tomorrow morning.  I had a horrible nightmare about it two nights ago and I am scared.  Scared of something being wrong.  Before every appointment I feel some form of anxiety no matter how hard I try and keep it away.

Ughh...I am done.  I hate writing posts like these.  I hate being that negative person.  But, I am having a tough day.  And I have always been very open and honest on this blog and hope that if someone else reads this, and feels the same way, they know that they are not alone.  I guess the struggle doesn't end just because you got pregnant.  It feels a little less intense, but it is still there.  And I am working on it...with a little help and encouragement from my mom...I am working on it.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

12 Week Bumpdate

So, I am already getting bored with the bumpdates and just feel like writing about what is going on, so here goes...

I am 12 weeks today!  And I finally wore a shirt (underneath an open sweater) that showed off that growing belly inside of me.  A few people commented on how noticeable it is because they are so used to seeing nothing there...eek so crazy!  I guess the baby is the size of a plum.  But, according to baby is now shifting into the growing and maturing stage as just about all of the critical developments are complete and fully formed!  I am having a real hard time not snacking after work.  I have a yogurt in the morning, banana, apple, and celery, throughout the day, but when I get home I cannot throw enough doritos at myself.  How do I control it?? I am petrified I am going to end up with a huge basketball for a belly unable to move by the end of this pregnancy...I need to STOP!!

I am in maternity pants all day every day.  As soon as I get home I usually throw on sweats and take Sage for a walk in my slippers.  Even my leggings are too constricting around my stomach...I will have to find some maternity ones somewhere I guess.   No stretch marks yet, but lately I have noticed a few extra hairs on my stomach right around my belly button that I am pretty sure were not there a month that normal!?  Sleep is still okay, but Sunday night I woke up asking P why there were elephants on our sheets.  Obviously there weren't, but I may be just doing a little too much baby shopping in my spare time if I am not seeing nursery things in my sleep!

Believe it or not, we just about have the nursery paint picked out and P is planning to paint the last weekend in November.  We will be doing beadboard on the bottom which I hope to get done in November.  There are just a few pieces of furtniture to clear out (throw out) before then.  Definitely spent some money this weekend on some baby items.  Also purchsed the best book ever "Baby Bargain."  Recommend it to anyone having a baby, it is basically a consumer reports book for all things baby.  Made me feel really good as I got ready to start our registry. 

The fun thing about Tuesday being the day I am one week further along is Tuesday is also the day Christmas falls on this year. So, today marks only 10 weeks until Christmas!! 

We have our NT scan on Friday along with the Integrated Blood Work which I am questioning whether or not to have.  The first aprt is Friday and the second part would be in November.  I guess the NT scan alone is about 75% accurate and w/ the bloodwork it goes up to 85-90% accuracy rate.  Not sure what to do, but we will definintely be doing the scan.  Can't wait to see an up close of our baby again. We should be able to see the arms and legs too!!!

And, here is the belly shot (I am still terrible when it comes to my hands, ahve to remember to put it lower next time)...12 weeks, it is going by so fast!! 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

11 Week Bumpdate

So, my 10th week of pregnancy proved to be a stressful one.  I was exhausted all week, not sleeping great, and super stressed for my appt.  Will the fear/stress ever go away, or is that just permanently there?  I would imagine everyone feels stressed before these appts but I can't help but think after dealing with infertility for an extended period of time I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Not sure how I can change that way of thinking...but I know some of you will understand, which is why I find this blog so therapeutic.  I am still amazed at the thought that so many people can just have sex and get pregnant, another thing I just need to get over...all in due time hopefully.

My appt. on Friday started out with a minor scare.  We couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so after about a minute of trying my doctor quickly wheeled in the abdominal ultrasound and it picked up our little baby quickly and she commented on how things are looking perfect.  Both Dr. P and now my OB have used that word "perfect."  It should make me feel better, but every once in a while it makes me nervous.  Once that was over she had to do an internal and a pap smear.  She commented just like my RE did, how twisted my cervix is but hoped it would straighten itself out as the baby grew bigger.  Because of that, the exam caused a lot of discomfort and you guessed it, bleeding.  She had warned me I might bleed for 24 hours (bright red) and then it would taper off to brown.  But, she didn't warn me that I was already bleeding and the paper sheet underneath me was covered in it.  Unfortunately, I was alone, P couldn't make it, and to say I stood there shaking when I noticed it, is an understatement.  I have been fortunate not to have any bleeding/spotting throughout this pregnancy, so Friday was my first dose of it.  It was scary and stressful and I can't get it out of my head.  The bleeding has just about stopped now, but I am still freaked out. 

I hope this week is a better one. It's only 4 days, so that's a good start, right?  I still can't find a bump "update" format that I am in love with, so you're stuck with this mess for now!

How far along? 11 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Wellll...the morning of my retrieval I weighed in at 123 lbs and I actually had lost a few pounds leading up to IVF because of the high protein, low carb diet.  This morning I weighed 125 which I was happy with.  What I wasn't so happy with was seeing the scale at my doctor's office on Friday say 129!!!  In my defense it was a Friday afternoon at 4:30 after I had devoured a huge bag of cheetos in the car ride over, that has to count for something right??   So, basically, by the end of the day, I am up a solid 5 or 6 pounds from my starting weight.  I don't notice the extra weight anywhere but my stomach.

Maternity clothes? Just about all my work pants/jeans, except one pair of skinny jeans that still fits, hoping I won't need maternity shirts for a while

Stretch marks? No, my brother's wife bought me a few all natural creams to rub on my stomach to prevent them but not really sure when to start doing that haha I think it may be a little early, especially when right now I feel more fat than pregnant!

Sleep: Not so great, have been waking up early and not being able to fall back asleep.  My hips/back bother me a lot too but that isn't anything new.

Best moment this week: Baby shopping with Mom and then P.  We spent a few hours playing with strollers, swings, much fun

Have you told family and friends: Some of them, we are both sharing the news with our coworkers this week

Miss Anything? Getting my hair done!  Growing up I was pure blonde, that is definitely not the case anymore.  I haven't had it foiled since before IVF started in July, hoping once I get past the first semester I can jump back into it.

Movement: Still not even close

Food cravings: Chips, any kind cheetos, sun chips, doritos...gross, I know

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really (have barely had any nausea)

Have you started to show yet: looking chubby for sure

Boy or Girl: Not really sure anymore...but can't wait to find out in December!

Looking forward to: NT Scan next week (but to be honest, every time I think about it, I am overcome with anxiety, is that normal?) 

This will be my last post before going private (ooooh big deal right haha.)  So happy I heard back from just about all of you!! It was a lot more difficult setting all this up then I thought and I still don't know how it is going to work.  If you didn't want to post your email on my blog (which I totally understand) you can email me privately at and I will add you as a reader.  Thanks so much to all of you for following along...


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Going Private...

So, I didn't realize how open my blog was to the public and am thinking about going private...if you could send your blog email address to me, I would love to add you as a reader!!!! Thanks!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

10 Week Bumpdate

Still trying to figure out where to put my hands haha

How far along: 10 weeks (holy crap, when did this happen!?)

Weight Gain: still +2 pounds

Baby: is the size of a prune.  Baby has working arm joints, and his/her cartilage and bones are forming. Vital organs are fully developed and they're starting to function.   Fingernailts and hair are starting to appear, too.   Plus, he/she is swallowing and kicking in there. (After seeing the way baby was wiggling last week, I can definitely believe it!)

Symptoms: Still really nothing.  The bloating is back, especially at night, and I do have a moment here and there of nausea but as soon as I eat it goes away.  No real cravings, just fighting pure exhaustion.  A few people at work have approached me concerned with how tired I look and commenting that I don't seem myself (this also happened quite a bit last year)  I think the circles under my eyes and lack of enthusiasm at the moment is a dead give away something is up.  Oh yeah, and my boobs are definitely way bigger (my favorite symptom Bird!)

Movement: No movement, but feel a lot of stretching and tugging going on down there, especially when I have to go to the bathroom, is that TMI??

Best Moment of the Week: There were so many!  We got to see jelly bean again.  My parents took us out to eat to celebrate and gave us this giraffe that we had our eye on for the last few weeks!  It is a baby mat that seems to be a big hit with little ones.  Unfortunately Sage thinks it is hers and already tried to bite the nose off, poor Sage isn't going to know what to do with herself!

My brother and his wife stopped by too with a bunch of goodies, one being an awesome book with ideas on how to decorate a nursery (I didn't even know they had books like this!)   It was also pretty neat calling my mom's sisters and telling them we were pregnant.  They have been kept in the dark ever seen the transfer, so they were really anxious too. The screaming and pure joy that came out of their mouths made me realize how awesome all of this really is, I wish I had recorded the calls so P could have heard the excitement too.  I ended up telling my friend at work yesterday because I couldn't keep it from her anymore.  I am planning on telling everyone else that I work with after Columbus Day.

What I’m Looking Forward To:  My first appt. w/ Dr. S (our OB) and a 3-day weekend!!

Gender: Still thinking girl...but P did manage to come up with a boy's name that we both really love, so maybe I am not as convinced it is a girl...

Bumpdate: The bump is there.  Both my parents asked if they could touch it this weekend and I think they were surprised at what they felt.  I feel like I am showing earlier than some other people and I am not sure if it was all the extra hormones from IVF or because my waist has always been on the small side that I now have nowhere to put these extra few pounds.  Either way, it is so crazy to put my hand on it and know that our baby is behind it.  I did go into Gap Maternity this weekend and spent a lot (oops) of money but it was so worth it.  I got 2 pairs of corduroys, 2 pairs of jeans, and 1 pair of khakis and they are the most comfortable things I have ever worn.  They are a little big so I hope they can get me through at least the 6th month. 

Wow, 10 weeks, never thought we would get to this point!