Friday, August 31, 2012



Even though we had two betas last week, it didn't seem real.  Today, it seems a litle more real!  We had our third and final beta this morning and it came back at 3,817.  The doctor said it was a nice strong number and we scheduled out first ultrasound!! The ultrasound will confirm it is not an etopic and will hopefully give us our first look at a heartbeat.  Eeeeek I can't believe I am even typing those words.

I was more nervous today than I have been in a long time.  Luckily my mom spent the day with me.  We went into the baby store Giggle and I showed her the highchair I have been looking at and we looked at crib colors.  All the while, both of us could have thrown up waiting for the call.  She dropped me off around 2 and then I waited and waited and waited.  P got home about 5 minutes before the clinic called with the good news. I kept picturing worst case scenario.  But, that didn't happen and now we are starting to get excited!!

I cannot thank everyone enough for your kind words of encouragement and support over these last few weeks I have gone back and read everyone's comments over and over again.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 

I can't believe I'M PREGNANT!!!!!  And it looks like we might have a "keepah!"

(The shirt says "I'm a Keepah."  We got it in Maine last weekend in hopes of good news.)

Monday, August 27, 2012

More Waiting and Worrying

This weekend was so difficult for P and me.  I don't know why.  We got two positive betas Wednesday and Friday.  We should be happy.  We should be so excited.  There is no reason to believe that we aren't going to go on to have a healthy baby.  And yet we are both so nervous.  We have never been in this position before and we are so scared that something is going to go wrong. 

I know I should be happy about my betas, they are both high numbers (202 & 360) but I can't help but worry that the second number isn't high enough compared to how high my first one was.  360 is a 78% increase, it is just as close to doubling (100%) as it is to being only 60% which is the MINIMUM increase it should be.  I know you can't compare HCG levels from one person to another, but I can't help but think it should have been higher.  We were really hoping for at least 400s maybe even 500s, given how high my first one was.  I am trying not to worry, but to be honest, if something bad were to happen I am worried P and I won't get through it.  I have kept it together well enough over these past few months, but I can't help but think that I won't recover from this if it doesn't work out.

At the same time I am filled with worry about the thought of twins.  Is it even okay to talk about both worries in the same post??  Since day one I expressed my strong feelings toward only transferring one.  I was adamant against transferring two and somehow that is what ended up happening and since the transfer I have felt very uneasy about it.  People always say "only put in as many as you can handle," but I think until your in the room with the doctor who is telling you what crummy embryos you have, you really can't pass any judgment.  All your thinking is we have just put ourselves through all this and really all we want is a baby, we will do whatever will guarantee us the best chance of that.  And so that is what we did.  I don't believe, if we are still pregnant, it will be twins, but P has reassured me that even if it is, we can handle it.

My next beta is Friday.  I start work the following week.   We have devoted our whole summer (from start to finish) to creating this little one.  And now it's time to go back to work. 

Before going through this, I never understood how people could write about the wait for a third beta or first ultrasound being more difficult than the wait to find out if you're pregnant, but it is SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT, for me anyway.  The last test I took was a week ago (10dp3dt) and it was so very dark.  So, we were both very confident going into the first beta it was going to be a good strong number.  Now, we have no idea what to except with this third beta.  So many times I have wanted to call my clinic and ask to come in earlier for another beta, but P and I have decided that whatever is going to happen will happen whether I go in tomorrow or Friday so we will continue to wait.  I have begun to feel a few symptoms which has reassured me a little.  I get pretty tired late afternoon to the point where I need to lie down on the couch because my energy goes from high to low in about 2 minutes.  My boobs have also gotten pretty tender.  But, besides that, I feel pretty good.  The bloating (IVF pouch) is still out of control, but the pain/stretching/tearing feeling of my ovaries and abdomen has improved. 

Tomorrow, I will be 5 weeks and I am trying to force myself to believe that this will work.  Every once in a while we talk about our possible due date (April 2013) and what great timing that would be.  How much fun it would be to pregnant over the holidays and what kind of cute Christmas card we could send out.  We started talking about a nursery and how long I would take off from work, but I am trying not to talk about it too much.  I am trying hard not to get too attached.  Maybe I will feel better after Friday.  Or maybe this is just the way it is going to be for a while.  This fertility stuff has already taken so much from us, I hate that I am allowing it to continue to run my life.  Hopefully I will look back at this post in a few weeks and realize how silly we were for worrying so much.

On our drive home from Maine I heard this song for the first time and went right on the computer to find the lyrics...I feel like so many of us could have written this song ourself...

Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Friday, August 24, 2012

It's A Good Start

I cannot apologize enough to my blog friends for leaving you hanging for so long.  It has KILLED me to keep this from some of you.  But, we were in Maine these past two days and I wanted to wait before my second beta came in.

Wednesday morning (12dp3dt) I went in for Beta #1: 202

(Today) Friday morning (14dp3dt) I went in for Beta #2: 360 (and I was in a complete panic when I realized it didn't double, almost started crying to the nurse on the phone and she did everyhing she could to reassure me.)

The fact that it didn't double makes me really nervous.  It makes my mind go immediately to worst case scenario.  I have spent the last few days furiously researching betas.  It seems the "new" way of thinking is that it should go up at least 60% every 48 hours and mine went up 80%.  I am wondering if maybe both implanted originally and then one didn't make it?  We have to go back next Friday morning for another beta.  Another whole week of waiting.  What fun!

When I called my brother today he first told me how excited he was, and then said the words, "It's a Good Start."  And for whatever reason those were the exact words I needed to hear. 

Believe it or not, I have known for a week I was going to get a positive.  I started testing last Friday (7dp3dt) and got a pretty good line and by Monday (10dp3dt) it was almost as dark as the control line and I saw my first "Pregnant" on a digital.  I also could tell because I felt great for a few days and then last weekend, the awful stretching/bloating of my stomach started.  I called about it and they said it could continue the entire first trimester.  Because I had so many follicles and such high estrogen, the follicles are filling back up with fluid/blood which is causing my ovaries to swell.  It is SO much worse at night, to the point that I cannot walk upright!!!

But, for now, we are pregnant!  We are nervous.  We are hopeful.  But, for the first time in almost 2 years, I can say, we're pregnant!

(If you have somehow stumbled upon this blog and know us in real life, PLEASE, do not share the news with anyone.  We have had such little control over this whole process, that we would like to have the opportunity to decide when/how to tell people...and we still have such a long way to go!!)

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Still Here, Still Waiting

Beta Day is coming soon...only a few more days of waiting! I am about 50/50 as far as believing we will get a positive beta.  Better than having no hope right?

Before starting this post blogger showed me that this is my 99th post...which means, my 100th will come after my beta...very weird

P and I have reconnected (thank god, because that was making everything we are going through 10x worse) and now we can at least face this upcoming week together.

I don't have much to blog about, so here's a song I have been listening to a lot that I love (you may recognize it from NBC's ridiculous amount of Olympic coverage!)

Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Thursday, August 16, 2012


I am officially 6dp3dt (9 days past ovulation) and I am trying so hard to convince myself that it is okay that I feel absolutely nothing.

I am trying to tell myself that this is the closest I have ever been to being pregnant and to enjoy it.  And not think about the fact that our embryos may have stopped developing days ago.

I am trying to tell myself that most people have no clue they're even pregnant those first few weeks.  Only problem is I am not most people, most people have sex and get pregnant.  Most people don't know more about their bodies than their own doctors.  I have not felt any twinges, nothing is bothering me, and my bloat seems to have gone down a little.  If anything, I have felt a little bit like my period is coming (I know it could be considered an early symptom.)

I am trying to believe it worked.

I am trying not to get overwhelmed with the thoughts of what next, if it didn't.

I am trying to keep it together because I don't know how I will react if we get bad news next week.

I am trying, I really am...

Hopefully I wake up tomorrow and my boobs hurt (A LOT!)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


To the "normal" woman, this would be considered 7 days past ovulation.  The day of your egg retrieval is considered the day of ovulation.  Hard to believe it was a week ago that I went in for the procedure.

Today, I am finally starting to feel like myself again.  Even though I didn't blog much about it, I have been very uncomfortable these past few days.  My insides (whether it was my ovaries, stomach, who knows) were very sore.  There were times when it hurt to yawn, sneeze, or even take deep breaths.   Nothing I couldn't handle, but I am realizing today, when I feel so good, how terrible I actually felt. The bloating is still here and it is ridiculous, I could pass for 4 months pregnant if I let my stomach hang out, and sucking it in is just about impossible.  Every time I put the crinone in I think to myself, crap, how much more bloated can this stuff make me!! But, besides the bloating, I feel absolutely nothing.  No twinges, no cramps, nothing.  I know, I know, it is so early and if I were to become pregnant I'm not expecting it to show up on an hpt until this weekend, but feeling this good does make me a little nervous!

I tested the trigger shot out this morning, the test was as stark white as I am used to seeing it.    This means that the hCG from the shot I gave myself to release the eggs 36 hours before the retrieval, is now out of my system.  So, if I get a positive over this next week, it will be because my body has started to produce its own hCG as a result of me becoming pregnant.

I have been keeping myself busy.  This morning I went out shopping for school supplies since I have not even spent one second thinking about work which happens to start 3 weeks from today!  I still don't really want to think about it, but better to get out now when everything is on sale!

I've been reading a lot.  Just finished "Gone Girl" which was sick and twisted but a great read!  Watching lots of tv and movies too.  We saw the new Batman this weekend and I wasn't really impressed, I thought the previous one with Heath Ledger was so much better, but it was a good distraction for 3 hours!

Anyone have any good books or movies they've read/seen ...always looking for recommendations!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Left wondering why...

This morning was my father's good friend's funeral.  I have seen my father cry only 2 times, when one of our childhood pups got put to sleep, when his father passed away, and last night marked the third time, at the wake of his dear friend.  He passed away of a massive heart attack.  He was healthy and just dropped dead.  The funeral was this morning and my dad and his brothers were all involved in it.  It was one of the best services I have ever attended.  There were hundreds of people in attendance.  But I couldn't help but continue to stare at his two children, a boy and a girl, almost the same ages as me and my brother.  I wondered what the last thing they said to their father was. How would they ever be able to deal with the loss of their dad?  Why him?  Why now?  Why do such bad things continue to happen to such good people?

As I drove home I couldn't help but think of how precious life is.  It is a gift, a privilege, one that many get taken away from them far too soon.  Tomorrow is promised to no one, not even our precious little embryos.  I was also reminded that no matter how bad things seem, there is always someone out there who has it worse...

Last night didn't go so hot.  I woke up around 11:30 with such terrible cramps that I couldn't walk upright.  I am pretty sure it was gas pains but not sure.  When they finally subsided I was able to sleep for a few hours on the couch.  Today, I continue to be super bloated from the gross crinone, but the pain from last night is gone and I'm just feeling tired, really, really tired.

What a whirlwind these last few weeks have been...

Sunday, August 12, 2012


That's me. My mind is racing. I am trying to stay calm and live in the moment, but it's really not me. I am a planner, I hate not knowing what is going to happen next. Guess that's why these last 20 months have been so difficult. Nothing has gone as planned and I have given up virtually all of my control to doctors and science.

The progesterone has kicked in. I am very bloated. My weight is still normal. Like I said, I have lost a few pounds over these last few weeks, so if anything I am trying to shovel food in my mouth. But, I am uncomfortable. That is an expected side effect of the progesterone. I have also had some uterine cramping, another side effect. Still waiting/wishing for the swollen boobs, still nothing!

My range of emotions throughout the day go anywhere from anger, sadness, fear, to hope and happiness. I am trying hard not too look to far ahead because we don't know what this cycle will bring, but the thought of going through another fresh cycle in another month or two makes me sick. I know I can do it, but my poor body. How will these medications effect me 10, 20, 30 years down the line? It's crazy you get to a point in all this where you don't even think about those things anymore. Your desire for a baby trumps all.

I guess I have been taking it easy. My doctor did not put me on bed-rest but did say to take it easy these next few weeks. My husband seems to think that since I am up and moving around that everything (including me) is back to normal. In a not so nice way, I have to remind him that just last week I was carrying around 19 months worth of eggs inside of me (most women only produce 1 egg each month.) But, we're working on it!

We had a wedding to go to Friday night. So, after spending all day on the couch I showered and got dressed and we went to the reception for a few hours. It was so surreal being there. Knowing what we had been through over these past 4 weeks, even that morning, and knowing just about no one had any idea. To everyone, we were still the same people. Had I broken my arm and had it in a cast or been sick and in the hospital just a few days before, I am sure just about everyone would have run up to me and asked how I was doing. It's not that I want anyone's sympathy or pity, I DON'T, not even in the slightest, but sometimes a hug or a quick "I'm thinking of you..." is just what we need. That is what sucks about infertility. It is invisible. It is silent.  And it slowly eats you up inside.

So, before I wrap it up, I thought I would let everyone know what is up with my embryos (if they have continued to grow) according to the NYU Fertility Center. On their website they have laid out what happens each day after the transfer of 3 day embryos...

1 DPT: the embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
2 DPT: The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
2 DPT: The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
4 DPT: The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
5 DPT: THe blastocyst attaches deeper into the ulterine lining, beginning implantation
6 DPT: Implantation continues
7 DPT: Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
8 DPT: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the bloodstream
9 DPT: Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
10 DPT: Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
11 DPT: Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Of course I will be testing early.  Of course I will know, walking into my beta what the results already are.  Haven't you been reading, I am a control freak!  But, I will not be sharing the results on the blog until after my beta.

I cannot thank everyone enough for the texts, emails, and comments over these past 48 hours.  I have been really down in the dumps and they have helped tremendously!  Keep the prayers coming xoxo

Friday, August 10, 2012

Trying to Stay Positive

I didn't sleep much last night, but I wasn't nervous.  It was more anxiety, everything catching up with me.

I made it to accupuncture by 8 and we were at our clinic for 8:45.  They called us back at 9:15 where we sat in a little room, me with a full bladder ready to explode!

We were prepared to transfer 1, we were prepared to get a great report on our 12 embryos.

Turns out we weren't prepared at all!

The report wasn't very good.  Of the 12 embryos, a lot of them had stopped dividing, and those that were continuing really weren't doing it at an appropriate pace.  We found out we had 2 7-cell embryos and 1 5-cell and the rest were still 2, 3, and 4 cell.  Had we had lots of 7 and 8-cell embryos he would have thought this was a good batch and transferring 1 would be great, but the low cell count overall is indicative that even even these 7-cell embryos probably aren't great and may not be strong enough to implant.  We never heard the words good or great when describing our embryos.  This was not my normal RE, but he is the one who did my retrieval and I really respect his opinion and am actually considering switching over to him becasue we like him that much.  He said in most cases he recommends transferring only 1, but because our overall batch looked the way it did, what he should have said was shitty, he really recommended 2 to give us our best chance.  He also believed that maybe we might be narrowing in on our "unexplained diagnosis.". Yes, I can make lots of eggs, but their quality sucks, my words not his!  Both the embryologist and Dr. B didn't believe any of our little embryos we worked so hard to create would make it to freeze.  This made both of us really sad.

So, they left us alone and P and I talked.  I wish I could say I am 100% confident in our decision but I am not.  We decided to transfer 2 instead of 1.  We couldn't imagine leaving 1 of the (2) 7-cells behind and what if we transferred only 1 and the other didn't make it to freeze, we would have always been wondering "what if?"

If this doesn't work, we will have to go through the entire IVF process again.  If both take, we will have twins.  I have never felt comfortable with the idea of twins but at the same time, all of this just sounded so not promising and P was so confident in the doctor and also strongly agreed with the idea of 2, so that's what we decided.

The transfer was so much easier than the one for the IUI.  It couldn't have gone any better and we watched the embryos getting dropped off in my uterus.  After, one of my favorite nurses came in and talked with us for a while, and bent down to give me a huge hug which made me cry.  She told me how hard she was rooting for us and if I had any questions or concerns to call and ask to talk to her specifically and she would be there for me in a heartbeat.  I couldn't have asked for better care throughout the whole process.

But, in the end, none of that will matter if we find out in 2 weeks we are still not pregnant.

I am sad that we got such a crummy report and that the room wasn't filled with hope.  I am sad that we probably won't have any to freeze.  I am just sad...but trying to stay positive...

I know I should be happy, but I just wasn't prepared for a bad report today.  This is why I always prepare for the worst, because there is no worse feeling than being disappointed after your hope has been high.  To get 19 eggs and only have 2 look good on day 3...ugh!!!

For now, I am going to try and stay positive, focus on the positive, because at this very moment, I guess you could say I am pregnant...with twins...holy crap

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Transfer is Set

I cried this morning.  Really really cried.  I pictured myself taking a pregnancy test and it being positive and I started sobbing.  We have waited so long for this and we are so close; the yearning I have deep down inside of me almost hurts.  Then I told myself I needed to stop and stay as even tempered as I could because there is just as much of a chance that this won't work. 

I started taking my progesterone suppositories yesterday morning.  I don't get many side effects from them, they're just gross.  If I am pregnant I will continue those for the first 12 weeks.  I am continuing to take my bromcriptine.  If I am pregnant in two weeks, I will have to discontinue that.  And I am still taking my prenatals, as I have been for the last two years!  It is still pretty uncomfortable in there.  It hurts even more when I have a full bladder, I am going to guess some body parts are touching that don't normally which is causing the discomfort.  From everything I have read, my normally walnut sized ovaries have swelled up to the size of grapefruits.  If I were to get my period in two weeks they would probably return back to normal around that time.  If I were to get pregnant, they could stay that big for the first 12 weeks...eeeek!

Any type of severe OHSS seems to have stayed away.  I weighed myself this morning and I was actually down a few pounds, still peeng frequently and no nausea or trouble breathing.  I totally attribute this to my doctor catching my estradiol so quickly and monitoring me so very closely. 

I called the embryologist at 2pm today and recieved some really good news!  Of the 6 eggs fertilized through regular IVF all 6 have divided and we have some 2-cell and some 4-cell.  Of the 4 fertilized through ICSI all 4 have divided and again we have some 2-cell and some 4-cell.  I also found out that two more eggs fertilized overnight (1 through regular IVF and 1 through ICSI) so we are up to 12 embryos!!  We will not know how many will meet the criteria for freezing until Day 5 which is Sunday.

So, the transfer is set.

Tomorrow morning we will be transferring one of our own little embryos.  We are to arrive there at 8:45, ready to transfer at 9:15.  I will be going to accupuncture before and after and then it will be out of our hands.

After 20 of the most difficult months of our life, we finally have a real chance at a baby.  It has put a definite strain on our marriage as well as our relationships with other people.  So, right now we are feeling happy, excited, nervous, name it

I know this doesn't work for everyone, we have as good a chance as anyone, and our success rate is still only 45-50%.  The thought of going through all this and not ending up pregnant at the end of it makes me sick to my stomach, so I am going to try not to think about it.

During my Egg Retrieval they did a mock transfer, and similar to my IUI, they had a lot of trouble with it, so they stitched my cervix up while I was under the anesthesia (with dissolvable stitches) to hopefully make the transfer a smoother one tomorrow.

No matter what we find out in two weeks, P and I are going to go away.  This whole summer has been a whirlwind and I can't even think about going back to work in a few weeks.  Let's just hope our time away will be spent celebrating and not drowning our sorrows.

Tomorrow as we walk into the room we will both be filled with...tiny bits of hope.

Oh god, please let this work...

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Fertilization Report & More

These past few days have been very difficult.  

After my egg retrieval I heard the news that a close family friend had passed away.  He was like a brother to my dad, he went to both mine and my brother's wedding and was set to attend my cousins wedding this Friday night.  Instead we will be attending his wake and funeral on Sunday and Monday.  It hit me hard.  Here we were trying so desperately to create life on a day when someone so important to my family had his taken away so suddenly.  Life is so unfair.

This morning I felt a little better, still took it easy, but began to eat a little more.  I still don't show any real symptoms of OHSS, my weight was pretty much the same, no breathing problems or nausea, and no decrease in peeing.  But I am definitely constipated, that along with some typical bloating/swelling has left me pretty uncomfortable later this afternoon.

I found out around 2 our fertilization report.  Not more than two seconds after I got off the phone my mom began screaming we needed to get out of the house immediately.  They have been doing work outside our condo complex and there was a gas leak.  It only lasted about 15 minutes but the timing couldn't haven't been any worse and since then I have been in a really crummy mood that I just can't shake.

I guess the report was good.  Of the 19 eggs (I am not sure how many we're mature) 10 have fertilized.  Six of those fertilized the conventional way and 4 fertilized with ICSI.  Maybe it was her use of the word conventional, or maybe I am just tired of the abuse my body has taken over these past few months, but nothing about this is conventional, it is so unconventional.  Maybe it's because my conversations with my husband now revolve around whether or not I am still peeing or figuring out which days he has to take off so he can accompany me to procedures.  

I know I should be happy.  We have 10 embryos right now, which means we will most likely have at least a few to freeze.  But, right now, the magnitude of what we have jus been through is hitting me like a ton of bricks.  And I am tired.  My body is tired.  But, we have embryos, and one of those little embryos might turn out to be out very first baby.  So, tonight, when I go to bed, I will hold on to tight to that thought. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Big Day

To say I have been nervous over these past few days is an understatement.

My mom spent all day with me yesterday and kept me distracted and my nerves almost disappeared. Then she left and it got dark out and I began counting down the hours.  Luckily my friend Annie was there to listen to me and reassure me and I actually went to sleep feeling fairly at ease.

But I woke up at about 330 and never really went back to sleep.

When I woke up, I thought I was going to burst.  It felt like my eggs were taking over my stomach to the point that I was actually looking forward to the retrieval because I was so uncomfortable.

So, we got there around 6:45 and they called me back around 7:15.  I didn't know at the time, but I wouldn't see P again until I walked out of the room to leave.

The area in the back was intimidating to say the least.  There was an operating room and a huge area set up like an emergency room.  They brought me into a small room and got my IV started which was fairly easy but they could all tell how nervous I was!  The nurse with me was one that had done a bunch of my ultrasounds and I loved having her with me.  From there they took me right into the operating room where they gave me some happy juice, put an oxygen mask on my face and within 30 seconds I was out.  I woke up about an hour later but was really groggy and in a lot of pain so they put some morphine in my IV and then got me some vicodin and drifted in and out of sleep for the next hour.  When I was finally "awake" I had a few crackers, ginger ale, peed, and was on my way out to see my husband who was very excited to see me!

My procedure was scheduled for 7:30 am and we were home by 11.  I am so relieved it is over and anxious to hear about our fertilization report tomorrow.  In the meantime I have peed about 6 or 7 times already and am pumping the fluids trying my best to keep OHSS away.  I am still in quite a bit of pain but trying to stay on top of it with pain meds and just keep telling myself that I will feel better soon!

Our Jelly Bean

September 14, 2012
There is only one!  Our little one is measuring
perfectly on track at 7w3d.  Heartbeat is nice and strong at 164 bpm.

September 20, 2012
Baby was upside down.  We are 9w1d w/baby measuring
at 8w6d (he/she is very wiggly and made it hard
for Dr. P to get an accurate measurement.
Already just like his/her mama! 
Heartrate still strong at 167 bpm.


And we are home.  I will write a more detailed post later, but everything went very well.  They got 19 eggs and aren't overly concerned about me hyperstimulating.  I am in quite a bit of pain but hoping the Vicodin kicks in soon.

I can't thank everyone enough for your words of support and encouragement, there are some days I couldn't have gotten through without it.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

And We Made It!

The lower dose of Gonal-f last night seems to have helped my nausea for the time being so I finally managed to get a good night sleep on the couch last night, I actually needed my alarm to get up for b/w and u/s this morning. The u/s showed A LOT going on. I have about 18 follicles that look ready. I still have a lot (like more than 15) under 10 mm which makes me nervous but I can't worry about that right now. I asked what the egg retreival will be like with so many follicles and the nurse said I will definitely be more uncomfortable then someone who only has 5 or 6 because for each follicle they have to stick a needle through your vagina and aspirate it, no matter how big or small. They will use an ultrasound to guide the needle to get to the ovary and follicles. Then, the fluid in the follicles is aspirated through the needle and the eggs detach from the follicle wall and are sucked out of the ovary. GROSS! So, 30+ sticks will probably lead to a lot of pain. But, I would rather be prepared for it. The one good thing the nurse said is that the follicles in each of my ovaries are clustered, rather than spread out, so they may be able to go through the same "hole" again and again for multiple follicles. When I left this morning, the nurse gave me a 90% chance of triggering tonight (oh thank god!) 

And...after spending most of the morning cleaning and running errands, I finally got the phone call...
I am triggering tonight at 7:30 pm.  My egg retrieval is scheduled for 7:30 am Tuesday morning.  If everything goes well, we will transfer one beautiful embryo Friday morning. 

I nervously asked her about my estradiol and it came back at 3,400 which I was pretty pleased with given all the activity I have; we seem to have avoided any huge jumps in the levels and its been a nice and steady increase (aside from the first few days.)

They are still concerned about me hyperstimulating so they had orginally mentioned putting me on cabergoline .5 mg, BUT after mentioning to the nurse that I take Bromocriptine 1.25 mg every night (to keep my prolactin levels low) they called me and said I am already covered and there is no need for the .5 cabergoline.  The Bromocriptine serves the same purpose as the cabergoline.  That made me feel better, because I already have that drug in my system and hated to add another in there too.  So, tonight is my last injection!!!!  AND WE MADE IT!!!!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Stims Day 9 (And Sleepless Nights)

My estradiol is back up again.  Today it came in at 2,695 (yesterday it was almost 1,600.)  I was really hoping it would be lower.  I still have a lot of smaller ones so YES, I am to take another dose of Gonal-f tonight, but the lowest possible (37.5) and go in once again for another b/w and u/s tomorrow morning.  I am so sick of all this.  Gone is my hope from yesterday, now I just want this to be over.  The u/s this morning was so uncomfortable and now my veins have had it too.  They have been stabbed just about every day this week.

I have resorted to spending the night on the couch.  I'm no longer sleeping well in our bed that I usually love so much and the guestbed is covered in fur.  I don't know if the meds. hit me in the middle of the night because I take the Gonal-f around 7 or if it's nerves, or just a combination of both.  But, I usually wake up feeling like crap around 2 am.

Please let me trigger tomorrow night.  And please let my estradiol be below 3,500 tomorrow.  And please, please, keep OHSS away.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Stims Day 8 (and FULL of emotion)

Yesterday was a very weird day for me.  I realized that I had been spending the past 3 weeks (since starting Lupron) actually probably the past 2 months living in fear of IVF.  Fear I would hyperstimulate, fear something would go wrong, fear I wouldn't be able to get through it mentally, physically, emotionally. 

Shortly after starting the drugs I wanted to stop, I didn't think I could cut it.  I was so afraid of everything.  The pain, the hormones, my stomach.  Turns out, I can handle it.  I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.  After my estradiol came back so high on Monday, I freaked out, wanted to pull out altogether, thinking to myself, I knew this was going to happen and maybe I just have to deal with the fact that I may never have children.

And then I got the phone call that the doctors had gotten my estradiol under control and things were moving along nicely and for the first time in a long time I felt a little hint of hope.  My doctor who told me she was going to do everything she could to make sure I was okay, lived up to her word and she is taking care of me.  I am in no means out of the woods as far as OHSS goes, but I am certainly in a much better place then I was on Monday.

Hope is a very dangerous thing. Too much of it and it can lead you down a path of devastation, but not enough and it can cloud your days with dark thoughts. For the first time yesterday, I opened my heart to the possibility that this might work. 

I guess I am a half-empty kind of girl.  My personality doesn't really show it, but I always like to be prepared for worst case, the only problem is, that doesn't leave much room for hope.  Well, slowly, hope is creeping in and although I am still so scared, my heart is opening up just a little to the possibility that we may have a baby at the end of all this.  And even if we don't I know I can put myself through this again.  Because I want to be a mom.  I need to be a mom.

On to IVF news...

My u/s showed a few more measurable follicles which was good and the growth finally seems to be catching up with my estradiol.  I had 5 measuring larger than 12 mm on my left and 3 measuring larger than 12 mm on my right.  And still lots more smaller ones.  I just got the phone call from my nurse that I am to keep my dose the same tonight (75 iu) and back for more fun tomorrow morning.  She also commented that things seem to be moving along nicely (which was such a relief to hear.) 

The girl who always does my b/w isn't in on weekends and I almost cried when I left her because I most likely will not see her again until after the egg retrieval and transfer.  It's so crazy how strangers have a way of creeping into your life and become so much more than that during this process.  Anyways, my estradiol is still climbing, but once again much slower.  It came in today at 1,580.  The nurse doing my u/s this morning expects I will trigger Sunday night and go in Tuesday morning, but it was just a guess.

On another note, I seriously feel like the Easter Bunny.  I hope I am not alone in feeling this way, but when I go to the bathroom, I honestly check after each time to make sure an egg didn't fall out...weirdest sensation EVER! 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Stims Day 7

It's so strange.  I wake up every morning feeling pretty good and by 3pm almost everyday I begin to feel crummy and bloated and sometimes even have a little nausea.  But, if I spend an hour or two on the couch and pump myself up with saltines and fluids.  The protein shakes I have been having for breakfast every morning seem to be working wonders too.

On to IVF news...

I went in this morning for b/w and u/s, my veins are really holding on strong!  The people in the office now know me.  I actually look forward to talking to the woman that takes my blood everyday!  I remember walking in there for my first appt. in January and feeling almost jealous of the people who were recongized around there, feeling like such an outsider.  Let me tell you, when people begin to know you there, it's definitely not as "cool" as you think it is!!!

I only have 3 follicles that would be considered mature.  I have two on my left 1 is measuring 15x10 and the other is 14x10 and one on my right measuring 14x10.  My estradiol is still climbing but at a slower rate.  It is supposed to double every 48 hours.  Mine was doubling every 24 hours, but since lowering my dose it seems better.  On Monday it was 340, Tuesday it was 560, and today it was 1,100. 

I am to continue the same dosage tonight (75 iu Gonal f) in hopes that a bunch of littles ones grow over night and match up better with my b/w.   I think they are considering dropping my dose tomorrow night, but wanted to push it tonight to see if I could get a few more bigger ones. 

I told the nurse how nervous I was and she acknowledged that my estradiol was high but not "oh my god high" whatever that means! 

Today marks my 21st day in a row of shots.  And I can't wait until I am done!

Getting so close!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Stims Day 6 (Are we done yet?)

I never updated on the concert.  It was RIDICULOUSLY awesome!  We have seen them before but it was outdoors at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield.  Indoor concerts can sometimes suck but this show was the best we have ever seen.  P and I have been huge fans of Coldplay for a long time and had both been looking forward to it forever.  They handed out these wristbands to everyone that walked in.  As soon as Coldplay took the stage they all lit up, coolest thing ever.  I started getting teary eyed when they walked on,  I don't know why.  Maybe because there was so much excitement in the building or I am just so hormonal right now, but luckily I got it under control haha!

This was what the place looked like as Coldplay
walked in and our wristbands all lit up.

I was happy I was able to put the shitty phone call about my estradiol levels behind me and enjoy the show because it was so much fun and I really didn't want to ruin it for P.  Unfortunately when we got home around midnight I felt pretty terrible so I spent the night on the couch, with lots of bathroom trips and slept probably a solid two hours. 

So, waking up to go to bloodwork Tuesday morning and then heading to work was pretty tough but I felt a little better.  My u/s revealed LOTS of follicles, I didn't ask how many and she didn't tell me.  To be honest I didn't want to know.  She did tell me that my biggest was about 10 mm.  I got my estradiol results around 2:30 while we were at Patriots Training Camp.  It had slowed down slightly, and was now rising at a level they were a little more comfortable with.  On Monday it was 340 (day 3 of stims) on Tuesday it was around 540 (day 4 of stims) which still seems really high to me but I am trying to just trust them, even though it's so hard. 

My my new plan is to continue Gonal-f at only 75 iu Tuesady night and Wednesday night and go back in for b/w and u/s on Thursday morning.  As soon as we got home from the practice yesterday  I went to bed.  I got up to eat around 6:30 and then passed out for the night at 7.  My mom offered up her best motherly advice and told me I have to slow down.  So, I am really going to try and take it easy these next few days.  By late afternoon I begin to feel like crap anyways, so I really don't have a choice.  I have been living in stretchy pants and skirts lately because the bloating is pretty uncomfortable by nighttime.  I am starting to feel some tenderness down there too.  All this stuff I am feeling is so weird and you really don't know what it's like until you go through it!  Yesterday I wore shorts and just didn't button them.  Not sure that was a good idea though, because I do work with 3rd and 4th graders and I am pretty sure I could have been in some trouble if they fell down haha!

I just keep telling myself I am so close.  How many days did you stim for??  I don't think I will make it to 10.