Thursday, May 31, 2012

Come On!

Ever feel like the universe is playing a terrible joke on you?  That is kind of the place I am in right now.

A few nights ago I met a few old friends from Grad School for dinner at PF Changs.  It was so good to catch up.  One of the weddings we went to a few weeks ago was for one of the girls I went to dinner with.  At the end of the night we were handed fortune cookies.  One of my friends had to get home to her two little ones, so there were three of us left, they let me pick first, although looking back, it clearly wasn't a good idea!

E's fortune said something like, "Every page turned gives you a wealth of  knowledge learned."

T's fortune said, "You will recieve a special gift soon."  That SO should have been mine!

And then there was mine, "A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away."  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, neither did my friends!  Crab wonton?  I don't even know what the heck that is.  COME ON!

As I am sure some of you can tell I haven't been the most positive person lately.  I am not this down in the dumps in real life, I promise, most people can't even tell that I am going through this, but I created this blog so I could be honest with myself.  Even if the honest me isn't always upbeat.

This last cycle of waiting is slowly sucking the life out of me.  I so wish we could have started the Lupron this cycle.  I am tired of waiting, and my patience has just about run out...I can't seem to get out of my own way and I am not the most pleasant person to be around (that's putting it nicely.)

Our stressful summer is almost upon us.  I wish I could be one of those people that could just enjoy every second like so many advise me to.  But, the truth is, I am preparing for one of the biggest moments in my life!  In August we will either be exploding with excitement or drowning in loss.  How can you enjoy the moments leading up to that?  How can you just let things happen?  I am a control freak, it is just NOT possible.  Last cycle I actually did a good job of it, this cycle, maybe because I feel us getting closer, I am doing a HORRIBLE job of it!

Like I have said many times, this summer is going to be chaotic.  I get out of school on Thursday, the 21st, the following week I am at workshops, and then I start teaching summer school.  We also have three weddings.  We will be busy to say the least, I guess that will be a good thing. 

But, then everything will come to a screeching HALT the second week in August.  Summer school will be over on the 9th, IVF will be over, and P and I were hoping to get away for a week toward the end of August because whether IVF ends in a positive or a negative we are going to have to somehow regroup.  So, what do you think I got in the mail today?  A notice for Jury Duty, of course!  Of all times for it to show up, why not then?  So, I checked the date, and low and behold, August 20th.  COME ON! I know, I know, maybe it will get cancelled.  But, maybe it won't.  Probably 7 or 8 years ago I received the same notice in the mail and not only did the case go to court, I was selected as a juror!  I was looking on the form to see if there was a way to get out of it, postpone it even, but something tells me "vacation after IVF" doesn't count as a hardship. 

There, I am done.  I feel better already.  Thanks for listening to me complain.  I am on cd12, and although we are once again giving it our best shot, I can't WAIT for this cycle to be over!  If I am this crazy without drugs, imagine what I will be like when I start the Lupron.  Good thing there isn't a baby yet, P might find that he sleeps better in the guest room come July!

Have a good night everyone!

Monday, May 28, 2012


Saturday morning I woke up to an email from my aunt, I will not copy all of it, but here is some of it... 

My grownup baby niece! I was almost afraid to read your email. I am certainly glad I did. How insightful you are. But what a tough way to have to be so mature when you are still so young. 

This email sent me into a bout of uncontrollable sobbing.  I guess you never know when it will happen. All I know is I haven't cried that hard in a very long time. I needed it, it was time.  So, I got in the car with Sage and we drove and after a while the sobbing turned to tears, and eventually I stopped crying. Then we went for a nice long walk and I found myself okay again.

After I calmed down I realized that there is a little tiny piece of me in mourning. Some may wonder how that is possible, how do you mourn for something you have never had. I was crying over the fact that after almost 18 months of putting my all into something, I still have nothing to show for it. I was crying for my husband who is having a hard time dealing with both of our sadness. I cried for "us" and the fact that we have to be put through something like this. I cried because it isn't an option for us not to have children.  I don't want to have to go through multiple IVFs, but I am meant to be a mother, P is meant to be a father.  I cannot bare the thought of living without children.  And I cried because so many people are no longer sending out pregnancy announcements; these pregnancy announcements have become baby announcements. People are no longer just pregnant, now they are having babies. I don't know what I expected would happen. That these people would just be pregnant forever? Or maybe I just thought that at this point we would at least have a little belly to show off, and all this other "stuff" would be a distant memory.

The sadness this "thing" we are going through is unexplainable.  This "thing" has taken away the excitement of having a baby.  It has taken away from us the pure joy of, "Surprise," we made a baby!  It will not be a surprise when we get pregnant.  It will be part of a well concocted plan, only confirmed by lots of bloodwork and ultrasounds.  I pray every night this plan will work, but as many know, these plans are not foolproof.  No matter how much I do to control the situation, the outcome is out of my hands, and that is a difficult thing to deal with.   

I can only imagine the joy we will feel when we finally hold our little baby in our hands for the first time, but I can't help but feel a little jaded.  I know it will all be worth it, and I will realize that every detour in the road will be one that ended up leading us to our little baby, but right now I can't understand it.  I don't understand any of it.

Yet through it all, I am okay.  I think we all need to allow ourselves to cry, to feel sad, to mourn, and then when we feel ready, we need to make the choice to dust ourselves off and enter the real world again.  For me, I was able to put my sadness to the side and enjoy the sun the weekend brought us.  I was able to remind myself that I am a fighter.  These past 18 months have tested me in ways I never thought I would be able to handle. They have forced me to grow up; forced me to deal with raw feelings and emotions I had been lucky enough to be shielded from for the most part, growing up.  But, no one can protect you from infertility, no one can take the pain away. It's yours, and yours alone.  So, every morning I have to tell myself that I can do this.  Every morning I have to remind myself we aren't going through this for nothing.   Even when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away, I can still see it, and it keeps me going.  I just keep praying that light never CAN'T disappear.

Now, it's Monday night, the end of Memorial Day.  I had a great weekend topped off with a shopping trip with my mom, but now it is quiet.  We have the windows open, and it is quiet.  Occasionally a car goes by, but I am surrounded by silence.  While some reading this will think, enjoy it while it lasts, I disagree.  This quiet is not comforting or relaxing, this quiet doesn't feel right.  This quiet feels wrong.  I never noticed it before, but it is here and it needs to go away.  It needs to be replaced with noise, lots and lots of noise.     

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Must Be Nice

Ughh..I was at target tonight in the medicine aisle, which happens to be next to the aisle with all the pregnancy tests and overheard the following question from a man who was with his wife and their baby: "why the hell do you need a 5 pack of pregnancy tests, in case you can't figure out how to read the first four?"

You don't know how badly I wanted to jump over the aisle and say something (actually most of you probably do know)

Must be nice to not know what it feels like to pee on over 100 pregnancy tests and still not see a positive

Must be nice to only have to take one...

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tales of a First Grade Nothing

Only 20 days left of school.  This is always a tough time of year for me.  I grow too attached to my students, I think that is why they respond so well to me, because they know how much I truly care for them.  I almost always cry on the last day of school, every year has gotten a little easier, but no ending to a year is easy

That brings me to a few more stories that hopefully make you smile from my always entertaining first graders...

A few weeks ago a boy (J) came in with a lime-green and gray striped sweatshirt.  I commented how I had a dress from Old Navy that looked exactly like it.  I told him I wished I could wear it to school but it was a little short.  To which another student (K) responded "A woman can never have things too short," (haha she is wise beyond her years and has dreams of being a fashion designer.)  Needless to say we planned to dress alike just a few days later and I wore the striped lime green and gray dress(with leggings of course) and he wore his striped lime green and gray sweatshirt.  The smile on J's face was like none other I had ever seen.  We even got our picture taken and it will be in the 4th grade slideshow shown at the end of the year.

Because of the type of class I have I am constantly putting names to feelings.  I tell them when I am happy and show it with my body language, expressions etc.  I tell them when I am angry and show them what it looks like.  Well, a few days ago I had to tell them that I was frustrated with them because a few of them were not following the directions even after REPEATING them over and over and over again!  A little girl M came up to me and said, "Mrs. C, it's okay, my mom comes homes frustrated sometimes too."  When I asked her why, she told me, "Because her kids get Fs all the time!"  Her mom is a high school teacher!

This story dates back a few months.  A little girl (T) told me on a Friday that she wouldn't be at school for the following week.  When I asked why she told me her father was renting her family a private jet and they were going to Hawaii for a week.  To say that my students tend to "stretch" the truth is an understatement, so I was a little too excited to catch her in this white lie when she showed up on Monday.  However, she was the one to surprise me!  When I reminded her how she told me she wasn't going to be in school all week, her response was, "Oh, Mrs. C we didn't win the lottery!" haha that was the week where powerball was at an INCREDIBLE dollar amount, her family must have been talking about what they would do if they ever won.  Oh, they do make me laugh!

Today, I overheard an interesting conversation going on...this is the part pf the conversation I started paying attention to.  J was telling a classmate "Yesterday I saw a flying baby?"  "What?"  "Yesterday I saw a flying baby in the sky!"  To which S responded, "That is a darn random thing to say."  HAHA!

Last, but not least, a few weeks ago, I did something pretty embarassing.  It has never happened to me before.  I had just come back from an intense IEP meeting and was a little rattled.  I was calling a reading group to my table and went back to sit in my chair...BUT my chair wasn't there so I fell on my ASS hard.  The students had no idea what to do, some ran over to me and asked if I was okay, others just stood there with their mouths open, while a few fought back some laughter.  I of course shook it off and laughed at myself explaining that even teachers do silly things!  At the end of the day I looked on my desk at the notepad where I write down all the funny/entertaining things that students say/do throughout the week so I can remember to blog about them and this is what I saw, one of my students had written "Mrs. C falls off her chair when it wasn't even there and hurt her wrist, how embarassing!!" 

You just CAN'T make this stuff up...

Monday, May 21, 2012

One Down, One More to Go, But Not Without a Little Excitement

Sunday (written yesterday)

I am on cd 26 which is SUPER early for me to get my period (well I guess now it is cd 1.)  This afternoon I began to feel a little crampy.  I went to the bathroom and noticed I had some brown spotting.  That never happens to me.  I am sure you can see where this is going.  For 5 seconds I thought "Oh my god, this must be implantation bleeding, I must be pregnant!"  For 5 seconds I thought "Oh my god I am going to be one of those girls that gets pregnant before her first IVF cycle!"  And those 5 seconds were the happiest I have been since heading down this winding road.

I calmed myself down and of course ran out to the store to get pregnancy tests.  I anxiously peed on one, set the timer for 3 minutes, then went back and checked and it was stark white.  In the back of my head I knew there was just about no chance, we were only given a 2-3% chance each month to begin with, add sickness into the equation and I am pretty sure our chances were about 0.5%.  But, a girl can still hope and boy did I feel a little bit of hope! 

Anyways, a few hours later my cramps were worse and the brown turned to red.  I got my period.  After only a 25 day cycle, I got my period.  I will NEVER EVER not temp again.  Had I temped we could have avoided the stress over when I ovulated and we also could have avoided the 5 seconds that I thought I was pregnant.  Tomorrow morning I will begin temping again.  Tomorrow morning I will regain some control again.   


I called my RE just to let them know I am on my last natural cycle and get some estimated dates.  Assuming I get my next period around June 15/16/17 I will begin Lupron end of first week in July.  The IVF coordinator told me I will be on Lupron for 10-14 days before beginning the Gonal-f depending on how my baselines go and then we will be off.  As it gets closer I will go into a lot more detail, but for now it isn't really necessary. 

If it weren't for the huge threat of OHSS I don't think I would have any reservations.  The shots don't bother me anymore and I am no longer afraid of the "wand" haha.  But the fear of OHSS will keep me up at night as it gets closer.  I know everyone says it is rare, but when your RE tells you be ready for some form of it, it is a little scary.  I know I shouldn't be thinking about that yet, and for the most part I don't, but every once in a while I can feel my heart start to race over the thought of it.  I have read people's blogs who have ended up in the hospital for days w/ it because their abdomen needed to be drained YUCK.  Like I said, I always hope for the best, plan for the worst. 

I just have to keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end.  I have to keep reminding myself what those 5 seconds of thinking I was pregnant, felt like.  Because I want those 5 seconds back, and I want them to last 40 weeks.  I want a baby.  We so desperately want a baby.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I Will Be Okay, We Will Be Okay

P and I are hanging in there as best we can.  We had a nice dinner last night, P grilled outside and I couldn't help but think, here we are, another summer upon us, another summer with just the 3 of us, no baby, not really any closer either.  If we get pregnant this summer, we will be due in May, if we don't we will be sitting here a year from now, preparing for another summer without a baby. 

It's crazy.  You never imagine being able to get through this, but you do, because really, you don't have a choice.  The world does not stop, the world will not stop, for anyone's sadness or grief.  People will continue to go on with their lives which means we have to go on with ours.  Somedays I wish I could freeze time because everyday that goes by is another day I am not pregnant and time seems to be slipping away from me.  Other days I am trying to flip the calendar forward because I am so anxious/excited (excited is not the right word, but will have to do for now) for our IVF to start in July. I am sad it has come to this. I am frustrated I will spend most of my summer wishing it away to see if it ends in a pregnancy. I am scared it won't. I am trying to live in the moment as best I can, but it is really hard. I feel like I am always looking ahead.

We also talked about the plan for the summer.  IVF from start to finish seems to take anywhere from 6-7 weeks.  That will be just about my entire summer.  If it ends in a pregnancy, it will all be worth it.  But what if it doesn't?  I go back to teaching after the summer from hell I guess? We talked about having to get away, but everyone else's plans keep getting in the way.  I even brought up maybe just the two of us going away for Thanksgiving since I get a 5 day break, if we are not pregnant.  But, if I am not pregannt, we will probably be in the middle of another treatment.  I know I know, I am looking so far ahead, but that is me, that is what I do.  I plan.  I hope for the best, but I plan for the worst.   

P could tell I was starting to get sad and said to me, "The first IVF is going to work."  I told him to stop saying that.  He has been saying..."it is going to work" for the past 18 months now.  I know it is his way of protecting us and his way of coping, but I do not see life through rose-colored glasses.  Maybe it hurts less that way, but it is not me.  I have always been a realist.  I know many people are successful with their first IVF, and I also know many more are not.  Actually, just the fact that we have to have this conversation, sometimes makes my mouth drop are we possibly discussing IVF (and the fact that it may NOT work) did we get here!?!?

We then talked about how this journey has changed us, well me I guess.  He asked if I thought I was stronger, and my answer even surprised me.  No, I don't think I am stronger, I think this battle has shown myself and maybe even other people how strong I have always been, brought it to the surface maybe, but I don't think it has made me stronger, that strength has always been there, I just haven't needed it as much as I do now.  I think it has made me a little harder, a little less sympathetic for certain types of people.  Sometimes other people's bad days or complaints seem to fail in comparison to what I am going through, but  I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to keep reminding myself, they don't know what it is like, cut them some slack.  I have to remember, it is not a competition.  It is life.  And everyone has their own struggles.  My troubles just seem huge right now because I am knee deep in them. 

I was driving in the car today (I do that a lot I guess haha) and was thinking about another thing that people often ask me or I think want to ask me.  Have I thought about seeing a therapist?  I have, and I don't need one, YET.  I wasn't lying when I said Sage was my therapist.  She listens to me ALL the time, she lets me sort through my feelings while I talk to her on walks, cuddling on the couch, or lying in bed together.  She doesn't judge me, she doesn't do or say things that hurt me, she just loves me unconditionally, every single day. 

I was in a really bad place 3 years ago, right after we got married and got Sage ( I wrote "had" Sage and realized I didn't have her we "got" her haha) and was put on meds. for 3 months.  I truly think I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and the meds were able to help me adjust all the "stuff" going on up there.  Since then, I have been in such a better place.  I am actually in a really good place right now.  I get sad, angry, frustrated, but I am in a good place.  I am comfortable in my own skin, confident in the choices and decisions I have made that have led me to where I am right now.  I know I have done everything possible to get us pregnant, and although it hasn't worked, I have not looked back and second-guessed much.  I have always been very aware of my feelings/emotions, and never had a problem expressing them.  I told P last night that if I thought I needed to see someone, I would have called a long time ago.  Even when it's bad, it is nowhere near as bad as it was 3 years ago.  Now, if our IVF fails, maybe I will be in a different place.  But, only time and a beta will tell. 

People always say that you are only given what you can handle, and while I LOATHE this saying, it quite possibly could be true.  I think of some of my friends, other people I know, and how they would deal with this and if it has to be someone, maybe it should be me.  But, just because I am a strong person doesn't mean I want to handle it/should be forced to handle it.  I recently saw this pin on pinterest and I liked it (it was originally from  Let's hope we all get our free pass soon, it's time for things to lighten up a little...

Pinned Image

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Phone Down

I have a DROID smartphone w/ Verizon.  I am not up for a new phone/upgrade until October.  We didn't buy insurance and the warranty ran out in February, I am sure you can see where this is headed.

P couldn't figure out how to put the charger in my phone last night and jammed it in so much that the prongs are now bent and the phone is now broken.  My phone cannot be charged anymore and Verizon cannot fix it.  They told me to go on Craigslist and try and find a "refurbished" smartphone that is with Verizon and call to activate it.  Awesome, thanks.

So, here I am staring at my phone, unable to turn it on, unable to do anything except fight the anger and frustration that is slowly building haha!  Between going off Facebook 2 months ago and now being without a phone I am pretty much reverting back to the Stone Ages.  Hopefully I will return to 2012 soon :)

And to whoever is deciding that I can handle all of this crap, I CAN'T!  Enough is enough!

On a good note, it didn't break until AFTER I got the phone call that I did in fact ovulate (really good thing) not sure when, but I don't really care right now.  She said my progesterone was nice and high at 18.1 (I feel like everytime they call me with my progesterone that it is nice and high, so I guess that is another good thing.)

Good luck to my husband tonight, it is going to be a long night for him, especially if he doesn't find me a working phone!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Just Another Day (Without the Paradise)

Today is cd 20, no signs of ovulation.  My monitor has remained at high since cd 8.  It should have gone to peak about 8-10 days ago and then I should have ovulated.  Didn't happen.  Temping is usually my "go-to" method but being sick and having a fever has made that nearly impssible. 

We put off our IVF until July because of other commitments assuming I would have 2 regular (30-31 day) cycles.  I don't know why I assume anything anymore, how have I not realized that nothing is going to work the way it is supposed to!  Since going on the Bromocriptine I have had a 30 day cycle and a 31 day cycle, last cycle was only 26 days, but that is because of the injections/IUI. 

So, I got right on the phone this morning with my REs office and heard back from the nurse around 10.  I explained what was going on and how I would like to go in tomorrow before work for a progesterone check to see if I ovulated and just didn't notice (which is highly unlikely) or if I have in fact not ovulated yet, they of course also have to do a beta test and I just cringe at the sound of that word.  I know I am not pregnant, you don't have to tell me in that sympathetic voice, it is just being done as a formality.  Oh well.

If I ovulated than that is great, no issues, just me doing a crappy job of tracking everything, and my monitor sucking big time.

If my gut is right and I haven't ovulated yet I am concerned my prolactin has gone up again, which of course can't be tested accurately until cd 3 of my next period!  I brought up the fact that I have been sick for a solid week and fighting off a slight fever the past few days, and she said the most that would effect a cycle is by one or two days, which I think I had read somewhere too.

She also told me that I seemed to have a really good grasp of my body and everything that was going on with it and to continue to advocate for myself (high-five me, when do we ever get a pat on the back for being obsessive haha!)  She told me that if I get the call tomorrow afternoon and it is found I didn't ovulate to make sure the nurse mentions Provera to me which would cause a withdrawal bleed and end my cycle.  We both agreed going through another 50+ day cycle like in January/February would be detrimental in SO many ways. 

P and I will have to talk tomorrow night and decide what to do about IVF and whether to forgo sitting out another cycle.  It will all depend on my bloodwork and what we do from here on out to get this cycle moving. 

I can't help but notice the energy I get after talking to someone at my REs office.  Although the break from everything has been nice, I feel like I have this sick and twisted need to be in contact with them all the time.  It makes me feel like there is a plan, like I am doing something, like I have some control...even though I know I have absolutely none. 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Still Sitting Here

I am still sick, even after 5 days of antibiotics.  My sore throat is gone but I have developed an awful cough over the past day or two (almost bronchitis-like) and went to bed last night with the chills and a slight fever.  Hopefully some Mucinex and Tylenol will do the trick today.  I guess I can cross another month off the list...

Mother's Day is tomorrow and I don't really have any feelings about it except that to realize that I have the best mother in the entire world, and for that I am beyond grateful. She is and continues to be my source of strength throughout all of this.  Here are a few pictures of us getting ready on my wedding day, I cannot put into words how much she means to me...

I have not ever been pregnant, not for an hour, a day, a week, I have never seen even the slightest of second lines.  I have never felt that twinge of excitement, or that anticipation of telling P and our families.  This Mother's Day isn't bringing about feeling of anger or sadness (yet), although I may feel differently tomorrow, it is just making my longing that much deeper.

A longing to have a belly that others look at with admiration

A longing to have that "glow" that everyone refers to when they are pregnant

A longing to have a baby (my baby) look up at me and know that I am his/her mommy

That longing is so deep, that it hurts, somedays worse than others, but is always hurts...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Just me, a glass of wine, and Christian Grey...

This has been and will continue to be my distraction for this week, until I finish the third book (I am almost done with the second). If you don't understand my reference, you have no idea what you are missing! I am feeling a lot better, but I am not sure if it is because of my antibiotics or my choice of books...

Monday, May 7, 2012

Drugs? Yes, Please!

I spent all of Sunday feeling pretty crummy but still managed to clean, do the laundry, and grocery shop, I don't think women get enough credit!  I tried calling my docs all weekend and of course they don't have an on-call doctor so I couldn't get any meds.  Nothing like calling my RE where I am guaranteed a phone call back in less than 10 minutes!  So, this morning I called again and explained to the reception how I always get this infection in my throat every 6 months or so and have to go in and all they do is write me a prescription for Zpack so I asked if it was possible if they could just call it in for me to CVS.  No, that would be too easy, so after work I hurried over to my doctors office for a 30 second visit where my doctor (or should I say physician's assistant didn't even look in my damn throat!!)  Ughh!  The good thing is I got the meds and just got my first dose in me so I should start feeling better soon.  Just found out I had a slight feve too, it's usually right around 97.5 (temping does have it's benefits besides knowing when you ovulate haha) and it was up to 99 when I got home from work so I figure I might as well add Tylenol to the mix.

Cute story...there is this older couple in their 70s that live behind P and me.  I always stop and talk to them, small talk really, but have told P in the past that they feel like my grandparents (my mom's parents passed away years ago and I was extremely close with them, especially my Nana.)  They sometimes seem to look at me with that adoration/love that you see grandparents look at their grandchildren with, it was almost as if they knew me.  Turns out they did, they just never let me in on their little secret.  It has always made me smile when I walk by their house.  Anyways, I went into school today and the librarian approached me and told me that she attends church every Sunday with one of my biggest fans.  I of course have no idea what the heck she is talking about.  Turns out, the cute couple that live behind me, remember watching me play basketball almost 12 years ago in high school and proceeded to tell my librarian how much they enjoyed watching me play and the story of where I went to high school, college etc!  They themselves have never told me any of this and I can't help but wonder why, in all the conversations they have had with me, they have never mentioned knowing who I was.  Maybe I will bring it up with them one day, but for now, I like thinking of them as an extra set of grandparents, watching out for me, rather than some old crazy fans!

Random story...I was sitting in CVS today waiting to pick up my medication and there was a mom, probably 10 years older than me, sitting with her son.  I couldn't help but look at him, he was probably 9 or 10 and he was so adorable, he had eyes that were just like his moms and all of a sudden this great sense of sadness came over me.  Like I said, I have been handling everything well the last few days/week, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks every once in a while.  I couldn't help but wonder what our children will look like and whose eyes they would have or whose nose.  Ohh...someday I know, someday...

And I can't help but proudly show off a picture of our backsplash, that we put up on Saturday.  My dad is extremely handy and is teaching P and me; the end result is a pretty dramatic change to our bathroom.  The store around the corner recommended the paint color (Benjamin Moore wet cement) years ago when I decided to paint and although I am not a purple person AT ALL, we decided to go with it because it is such a small bathroom.  But sometimes it just seemed TOO purple so since painting I have always thought about how I could make it better with a here it is!

Sorry for the rambling, this is what happens when I am all drugged up and anxious to start feeling better...can't forget to congratulate those of you that have recently gotten BFPs and for those who didn't my heart breaks for you each and every day, I am always thinking of you!  xoxo

Sunday, May 6, 2012


This week I had finally felt like I was getting back to myelf.  If you asked my coworkers, they would have told you they noticed the difference.  I was more care-free, social, making jokes, which are all usually indicators that I am okay. 

P and I went out to dinner on Friday and I actually teared up because I had been feeling okay and that made me sad, really, really sad.  Because as good as it feels, I don't want it to be okay that we are not pregnant yet.  I don't want to get to that point where life is okay even if we don't have a baby.  I'm not ready for that to be okay yet...

Those of you that have followed me for a while may/may not remember that the last month before our IUI (March) we were trying on our own, and then we both came down with the stomach bug before, during, and after I ovulated (it was also our birthday week.)  It seemed liked a horrible joke, but looking back I figured it was just a one time thing.  Then we had our IUI which was a disaster from start to finish. 

We have two months to continue to try on our own before I begin the Lupron in July.  Yesterday was cd 11, I have had 2 bars on my Fertility Monitor for a few days now and can tell by my CM that I will be ovulating soon (although I still have yet to begin temping.)  But, last night I started to get a sore throat, I was hoping it was just due to exhaustion beacuse I hadn't been sleeping well this past week, so I took 2 Motrin and went to bed early.  Then, I woke up this morning to a burning sore throat.  I know exactly what it is.  Some people when they get sick get migraines, others get stomach aches, I get horrible sore throats.  I am on cd 12 and I am getting sick AGAIN right before I am due to ovulate.  I will go to the doctor's tomorrow, they will tell me I have my SECOND bacterial infection in my throat of the year and they will put me on Z Pack. 

Why do I feel like I am constantly being tested?  How can it be that two of the last three months, right around ovulation time I come down with something.  Just when I start feeling like myself again, someone has to remind me that my life sucks.  I am tired of getting shit on, tired of nothing going right, and tired of having to always be so strong.

We put up our backsplash in our downstairs bathroom yesterday and I was so excited to blog about it today, but it will have to wait for another day because right now I feel like crap and am so pissed off.  Ughh...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

One Lovely Blog Award

Is it possible to become friends with people you have never met before?  This thought has crossed my mind a lot lately.  At the end of 2011 I began venturing into the "blogging" world.  I knew someone from my town that had struggled with infertility, openly about it for 3 1/2 years and someone told me I just had to check out her blog because of how great it was.  After checking out her blog I realized two things: 1. It was great.  2.  There were SO MANY MORE out there just as great.  Sometimes I read other people's blogs and I swear I could have written them myself.  Other times I read people's comments on my blogs, and they are just the words I needed to hear to help me get through the day.  It's those little things that make blogging one of the most special things in the world that  have ever been apart of.  In some ways it is like a secret club, a secret club no one really WANTS to belong to, but if you are one of the "chosen" ones to suffer through infertility, this secret club is really one of your only ways to survive it.   

I started my blog up in February, not sure if anyone would ever read it, but knew I needed to somehow be able to put my thoughts down.  It was a really difficult time for me.  I had begun to realize that starting a family was not going to be easy for us.  It had become an obsession for me, all of it: temping, peeing, charting, timing, waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I knew I wasn't alone, but I also knew there was no one in my real life I could talk to about it.  When you talk to people that haven't been through it, it is a one way conversation, you talk at them, they nod their head and look at you with sympathy, and then you talk about something else, you change the subject. 

See, the thing about IF is it just isn't talked about, it's not something anyone would ever know about you unless you chose to share it with them.  It's not a disease or illness that slowly eats away your ourside appearance and makes people aware of what you are going through, it is actually quite the opposite.  On the outside, everything looks fine to everyone else, maybe you put on a few pounds or break out a little bit more, but who doesn't throughout their lifetime?  This is something that attacks you in the most deeply rooted place in your body: your heart.  On a daily basis your heart aches and that is really the only way I can think to describe it.

Recently a lot of strangers have asked me if I have children.  I have been asked at a wedding we recently went to, by the cashier at Target, parents of my first graders, and too many more to mention.  It doesn't really seem fair or appropriate that I am to just answer "no."  It doesn't give life to the battle I have been facing for the past 17 months.  It makes me seem like I am just another girl, not quite ready to start a family.  But, that is not the case, as a matter a fact, it couldn't be farther from the truth.  So, what are we supposed to say when we get asked?  If people are going to put me in the uncomfortable position of asking if I have children, can't I put them in the uncomfortable position of hearing the truth (I know it sounds so horrible to say out loud, but guess what, this whole IF thing is pretty horrible.) 

The last person that asked me that question was a parent of a student I had 7 years ago when I got hired as a permanent sub for the last month of school. I ran into her last weekend. She works at the Pier 1 around the corner from my house and I ran in to grab a new umbrella for our patio (had to use my mom's 20% off coupon before it expired!) When I answered her I had a feeling she could sense the sadness in my voice, I didn't say no, I said, we hope to soon, but it's not easy and I am almost 30!  Maybe I should have just said no, but I don't feel like that is the right thing anymore.  It is not easy for so many of us, yet we are expected to pretend it is.  I have been thinking a lot about what I will tell people when/if we ever get to announce we are pregnant (hopefully it will be this summer after IVF #1.)  I want people to know how hard I worked for this and I don't know why.  I don't think my baby will be any more special or important than anyone elses.  I also don't think I will love it any more than I would had I gotten pregnant after the first few months.  But, I want people to know that this baby came into our lives because we put blood, sweat, and tears into it.  In some ways I have devoted the last 17 months of my life to something that we may have to wait another 17 months for.  It doesn't seem right to just say no and leave it at that when I am questioned about children. 

Anyways, the real reason behind writing this post was because I was recently nominated for two different blog awards from four other awesome bloggers: Infertile625 @ Hidden Infertility, Dandelion Breeze @ NewYearMum, and Stephanie @ Good Luck-Try Again nominated me for One Lovely Blog Award and forever ago Crystal @ The Redhead Files, nominated me for The Liebster Blog Award. 

Here is how they work:
  1. Share who gave you this award to you with a link back to their blog (above)
  2. Write down 7 random facts about yourself.
  3. Give this award to 15 other bloggers.
  4. Let them know they've won
  5. Pop the award on your blog 

Here are some random (and they are really random) facts about me!
  1. I am scared of the dark.  I don't know why, I don't think anything bad has ever happened to me in the dark, but it is a real fear I have.  It has gotten better now that I have been forced to grow up and be alone at night when P is out, but it is still very real.  So real that last night, when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, on my way back I jumped over P, rather than walking around the bed because I was afraid someone would come up from behind me.  He often times wakes up freaked out to see his wife jumping across him, but whatever, he can get used to it!  I know, I know, it sounds so crazy!  But, the fear is there, and it is very real!
  2. I am pretty sure I have some major sensory/quirky issues (very similar to some of my first graders haha)  Certain textures really bother me.  I like to keep all of my food separate on my plate, and have a hard time eating it if it has touched something else.  I can remember my mom always mixing her corn and potatoes and ughh I still can't imagine doing that!  Along the same lines I don't like drinking out of a drink someone else has used (straw, can, bottle) even if it is P's.  This drives him crazy, but the thought of putting my mouth on something that someone may have left some stuff behind on makes me want to be sick!  I also have never and will never wear lipstick.  The person who did my makeup for my wedding made me use a little something, but besides chapstick, I cringe at the thought of that sticky stuff on my lips!
  3. When I throw up I start crying (even if I don't want to!)  Don't think I need to go into details on this one...
  4. I have a widow's peak and have ALWAYS HATED IT!  The morning before my 8th grade graduation dance, I attempted to cut it off, as you can imagine, it didn't go so well.  For a little while people called me Spike Lin because it grew back spikey, I am still waiting for it to grow back completely, it is about down to my eyebrows. 
  5. I have lived in the same town my whole life, with the exception of my 4 college years.  What can I say, it is a great town! 
  6. I love to laugh.  I knew I was really down and out the past few months when I stopped laughing.  My laugh is slowly coming back.  P is sometimes embarassed by my laugh because it is a little loud and often times contagious. 
  7. Not sure why this last fact came to mind, but P was recently asking me about the Chicken Pox and if I ever had any kids come down with it, and for whatever reason right now it is in my head.  So I have turned it into my last random fact...My mom, brother, and me, all came down with the chicken pox in the same week when I was in elementary school!  We have the pictures and the scars to prove it!
I know so many of you have been nominated so I won't make you do one of these again, but please know how much I genuinely love reading each and every one of your blogs.  They validate everything I am feeling, and make me feel like I can get through this.  xoxo

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My Funny First Graders

Thought now would be a great time to share a few more things my kids have said over the past few weeks, they are usually good for a laugh, sometimes a smile.

At the end of last week I said to the kids..."And it's finally Friday."  My student K responded with, "We made it through another week Mrs. C"  Haha, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Yesterday one of my students came up to me and asked me if I had any kids, when I said no, she said, "Well, you should, because you're really good with them."

Every week I pick a Star of the Week (it is really cheesy, they get an all about me poster hung up for the week and get to be the line leader, but it makes them happy.)  This week J got picked, and he brought his poster in Monday morning.  He told me I might not want to read it out loud because I might be embarassed (yes he is only 7)  One of the topics on the poster is "Things I Like About Myself."  After he wrote about how he was a good reader, had lots of friends, etc...he wrote "I am lucky I have a beautiful teacher."  If they could only stay small and sweet forever...

We are starting to talk about getting ready for second grade and for one of our centers we were working on a class book and they had to give a few pieces of advice to incoming kindergarteners about what to expect as they get ready for first grade.  I was reading through them last night, and one caught my eye.  If I could tell the kindergarteners any advice to get ready for first grade it would be..."Always be nice and respectful.  Don't ever tell someone they can't play with you, even if they're not your friend, you will hurt their feelings."  It made me smile.

Then today, little M came up to me and whispered in my ear, "Last night my puppy ate a sock, and this morning he puked it up." Haha, sometimes I swear they tell me stories just so they can see me burst out in laughter.

Lately I have been wondering if there is a reason I am a first grade teacher.  Right now it is not only a job, but it is filling a pretty big void in my life.  A few days ago I told P the only time I was happy was when I was at school with my kids, I am in a better place now so that statement is not 100% true, but it is definitely an escape for me.  I try not to think too much about it, but what if I am in this position because someone, somewhere knew a child would not find us quickly, and this was supposed to be a temporary "fix."  Oh god, I hope not.   

As far as IF goes, not really sure how I am feeling right now.  I am currently on cd 7.  The only way I know that is from this stupid program I downloaded on my phone last January, that my friend recommended called "My Days."  She told me she swore by it because it could figure out exactly when she ovulated and then got pregnant after only 3 months, she now has a 1 year old!!  If she only knew how well it doesn't work for someone like me.  The good thing is, it allows me to keep track of my cycle days, but other than that it is absolutely useless.  I haven't been obsessively temping (not really necessary at this point in my cycle but I am sure I will once I get close to ovulating) and aside from turning my monitor on this morning to determine it wasn't time to start POAS yet, I really have been kind of blah about the whole thing.  In some ways it has felt like a weight has been lifed off my shoulders, but in other ways it makes me sad because I feel like a little tiny part of me has given up. 

I guess I am happy we are waiting (although I am sure if we were going forward with IVF right now, I would probably say the same thing, glad we are moving forward.)  I didn't realize how horrible my relationship with P had been for those few days when I was really struggling (or maybe I did and I just didn't care.)  We were both walking around so angry, at life, at each other, and for me it was everyone around me that was able to get pregnant so easily.   Things are getting better.  We have laughed a lot these past few days, and IF talk hasn't totally consumed us (well mainly me.)  I am trying to let all of this pent up anger/frustration go, but it is hard, really, really hard for me.  Physically, I didn't realize how much weight I had lost over the past few weeks, but not to worry, I have eaten and drank enough over these past few days that I am pretty sure it is all back haha!

I hope to spend these next 6-7 weeks preparing myself mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I was so down in the dumps these past few weeks with everything that happened with our IUI that I am looking forward to building myself back up.  I have looked into both fertility massage and acupuncture.  My doctor recommended either/or, but said that really, it is just imporant that you find something that helps you relax, so I guess a lot of walks with Sage will be in order!  If anyone else has any ideas or thoughts, please throw em my way!