Sunday, June 15, 2014

Almost 14 months!

It's been almost 14 months since H arrived!  So much has changed.

She came out fast and furious and has remained that way ever since.  My mom always reminds me how much H is just like me.  When she wants something she wants it NOW!  We dealt with silent reflux for the first ten months of her life and that contributed to her fussiness.  I swear we spent the first 4 months of her life bouncing her in front of the fan to get her to sleep.  When she went to sleep she was an amazing sleeper, but it often took 15-20 minutes of bouncing to get her to sleep (especially for naps!)  We eventually sleep trained for naps and it improved tremendously.  I recommend finding a lovey for your little on, especially if she is fussy like H.  She took to her doggy and that continues to soothe her in almost every circumstance.  She now sleeps 12-13 hours a night w/her doggy and pacifier.  But, she needs to be in bed EVERY night by 6:30 to avoid major meltdowns!

At 9 months I went back to work and she continues to cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I drop her off.  That has been difficult.  Luckily, she is with my mom 3 times a week and doesn't even notice when I leave because her Nana is just her favorite person in the world.  But, those two days I drop her off at daycare are so hard.  I can hear her crying as I walk out the door and to my car.  It's a home daycare with only 3 other little ones, and I know she eventually calms down and enjoys it but it is a really really hard way to start the day.  Luckily, I get pictures sent to me and know she's ok and she naps like a CHAMP (often 2 90 minute naps, sometimes more.)  

For the longest time we couldn't put her down.  She would scream, hysterically, until she got picked up!  She does things in her own time.  One day she just decided to start feeding herself after weeks of me stressing out about her having no interest.  One day (recently) she just decided she would drink out of a sippy, and then a straw cup.  She does things in her own time.  When she is ready!  One day she just decided she would walk and she hasn't looked back since!

I sort of feel this pressure to start trying for a second.  Not as much because I feel the need to have another one right now, but for fear it will be difficult again, and the knowledge that it may be another year before we get that chance between having to get all the testing done AGAIN, trying the frozen with our ONE remaining transfer, and then having to possibly go through the whole IVF process again.  Ugh.  I can't believe we may have to.

We are thinking of doing the frozen transfer in October.  But, to be honest, I feel like we are doing it merely to get it out of the way.  I am hoping it will work, but it's just little embryo.  I know it had to be a fighter to make it to freeze, but the odds are not in our favor.  If that failed I think we would wait until the holidays are over and then possibly do IVF Feb/March.  Ahhh.  At that point I will be 32 and H will be almost 2.  So many of my friends are following the trend of "2 under 2" with H almost 14 months, we are pretty much guaranteed not to be part of that trend.

H is everything to me.  I want another baby because I want to give her a sibling.  I don't want her to be alone, and it would be nice to have another baby around.  She is growing up so quickly that I sometimes get sad thinking about how much she has changed.  But, honestly, right now I don't think about having another.  Maybe because it brings up stress, and feelings that I am not ready to face.  Or maybe it is because H is the best thing to ever happen to me.  She is my little mini-me.  I wake up and the first thing I do is look at the monitor and smile.  Everything she does makes me beam with pride.  She is full of so much life and intensity.  Everything she does, she does it with all of her being.  She is so much more than what I expected her to be.  She is my life.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Really Ready?

How do you know when you are ready to start trying again?  I would imagine if it came early to you the first time, not much thought has to go into it.

But, as we all know, that isn't the case for me or probably anyone else reading this blog!

When I went to see Dr. P last week, my main complaint was my freaking LONG cycles again, I am talking 45-50 days.  So, she suggested testing my prolactin which was borderline high before, and possibly going back on Bromocriptine.  Fast forward Monday, and I got a phone call my prolactin is NORMAL.  That should be a good thing, except now there is no reason for my ridiculous cycles.  Along with that, I am now bleeding (for the past 3 cycles) around cd 14-15 AFTER I have already gotten my period, and it lasts about 2-3 days.  That has never happened before.

I can already feel it.  I already feel myself getting tense about all this stuff.  P wants to try on our own these next few months before we do our frozen in October (hopefully.)  He thinks we are going to be "that couple" who magically gets pregnant after having to go through fertility for the first one.  I am trying to explain to him, if my cycles are this long (and I am having mid-cycle bleeding) my egg(s) will suck.  Not to mentions he also has fertility issues.  I am all for giving it a go, but I refuse to get my hopes up like last time, so I guess I am just going to go through the motions?  Ick...

I asked Dr. P what she thought and she thinks after seeing my normal prolactin levels that there may be something else going on.  UGH.  I have an appt. next month with my new doctor and just don't feel like dealing with it before then so I am just going to wait it out and see what happens.

Having Harper this time around makes it all a little different.  I have her.  And she is the best thing to ever happen to me.  I will not let the stress of trying for a new baby overcome me.  I refuse to let her feel even a little bit of it.

Now, talk to me in a few months and see where I am at :) haha

This weekend I will try and blog about what Harper's first year was like, I am really sad I didn't blog monthly updates like many of you did.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Anyone still here??

It's been almost a year since my last post!

In that year so much has happened!  Including harpers first brithday!  She is one!  I have a one year old.

I have been following most of you all along, although I know many of you have gone private and I have not followed through with emailing you to follow your new blogs and that makes me sad.  So many of you have had or are having babies and I cannot believe it and am so very excited for you.

I found out Dr. P is leaving my fertility clinic so I squeezed in one last consult with her last week.  We are not ready to pursue treatments again yet but I wanted to get my feet in the door.  We have one frozen embryo.  Chances are definitely not as good with a frozen versus a fresh but there's no reason to worry about it now.  I am thinking of moving forward with the frozen in the fall and if it doesn't work, taking a break around the holidays and then pursuing another round of ivf come January/February although it makes me sick to even think about it.

Harper has proven to be just like her mommy this first year: intense, clingy, and knows what she wants. I went back to work after 9 months at home with her and although it has been nice for me to put some time and energy back into work I miss her like crazy, almost as much as she misses me!

I have so much more to write about but I really just wanted to reconnect.  I think of so many of you
often and miss being a part of this.  So, I'm back!