Saturday, March 31, 2012

CD 1 (About Time!)

I have never ever been a very religious person.  I do believe there is some higher power but I don't really understand it all.  I don't pray at night, I think and hope often, but I don't pray.  Maybe it is something I need to start doing, but to be honest I don't really know if I even remember how to (I know sounds so silly.) 

People often say that you are only handed as much as you can handle, but who determines how much one can handle?  People often say that going through things make you stronger.  I don't know if I agree with that.  I sometimes feel like pain doesn't make us stronger, it just hardens us a little. 

The recent ups and downs in my life (some I have blogged about, some I have not) have made me begin to look at things differently.  Often times the perception of someone's life, and the life they actually live are two totally different things.  We sometimes try so hard to be the person that we believe others want us to be that we lose ourselves and we hide our true feelings.  In a world with such high expectations how is one supposed to be happy?  I am someone that considers myself to be pretty confident and yet I struggle too.  We live in a society where nothing is ever good enough, people always want more.  Looking at myself, I should be extremely happy (and I guess I am, sort of.)  I have a fantastic family that loves me to pieces, a husband that would do anything for me, wonderful in-laws, and a pup that has literally stolen my heart, and it is not even close to being enough.  I walk around sad, A LOT (although I have gotten good at hiding it in front of most.)  I want MORE.  I want a baby.  No matter how much I try and remind myself how good I have it, it's not enough and it will never be enough until we have a baby. 

I know I need to start figuring out what makes me happy because the place I am at now is not a good one.  I am not depressed, BUT, I have been there, and I know what it feels like, luckily those feelings aren't around yet(although I am constantly on the lookout for them.)  These next few weeks are going to be stressful for me and P, and although happiness seems to be a place so far away from here, I need to start looking for it because there is no guarantee we will have a baby.  Although I hope and wish for one every waking moment, and know in my heart we are moving in the right direction, there are no guarantees.

I know this post is a little disjointed but it is kind of how I am feeling tonight.  AF finally decided to show its ugly face, and although I feel bloated and have major cramps, I am so relieved it is here.  I am going in for an u/s and b/w Monday morning before work and will hopefully begin my injections Monday night.  I am trying to remain realistic about this first one.  During the movie last night there was a quote that has stuck with me all day today, "A little bit of hope is a good thing, a lot of hope is dangerous."  This could not be more I am going into this with a little bit of hope because a lot of hope could lead to great disappointment at the end of the month, and I am not so sure P (or I) can handle it. 

Congrats to all my friends out there that received BFPs this month, I couldn't be happier for you.  For those that are still waiting...hope you can keep that tiny bit of hope alive...somehow :) 

Friday, March 30, 2012

Hunger Games

I had a busy week and I'm tired! Last night was conferences until 815, today I had a party to go to after work and then P convinced me to go see a movie (I did not want to go at all because I am so exhausted but I know he was trying to make me feel better so I let him win.)

I have spent most of the last 48 hours trying to figure out wtf is wrong with my body. I am currently 15/16 dpo without a period. That has never happened to me before. Must be pregnant right?? Haha not even close. I took yet another test this morning (I know so stupid of me) and it was a BFN. I finally called my RE explained how my bbt has slightly dipped but no period and not pregnant. The nurse was great and told me if I haven't gotten my period by Sunday to call and leave a message and they would call me back to get me in early Monday morning before work for bloodwork so I could get the results by Monday afternoon. As I am writing this I am beginning to feel some cramping so I am hoping it finally shows up tomorrow and I can go in for my baselines on Monday.

Now onto the movie. I had recently read the book The Hunger Games and thought it was pretty good, weird, but a good book. I had preferred to see 21 Jump Street with Channing Tatum but didn't work out. Never again will I go to the movies on a Friday night! There were obnoxious teenagers yelling throughout the entire movie and the couple a few rows back (wait for it) had an effing baby in the theater!! Are you kidding me?? Who brings a baby to a movie and what are the chances it is at MY movie?!? So the movie itself kind of got lost in the chaos around us. I thought the book was way better and the acting was a little cheesy but overal it wasn't terrible. We did see a preview for a movie coming out in May about a group of dads that all hang out together with their babies, looks like it will be funny...that is if we are pregnant in May....probably won't be as funny if we're not.

On a side note, P ran out last night and bought a lottery ticket, claiming all week how he thought we were going to win the big jackpot. Unfortunately he just came upstairs with the bad news...we didn't win haha.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

I fell into the stupid trap again.  CD 30, BBT dipped a little and came back up, and I couldn't ignore that tiny bit of hope in my head saying "Maybe you're pregnant."  So, I run out to the store this morning, buy a test, rush into work, poas, and within 30 secs it says "Not pregnant."  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do we (IFers) do this to ourselves?  Do I simply forget that the urologist gave us only a 2-3% chance of conceiving on our own, do I just want so badly to not have to start shots and b/w, and u/s that I give in to the little hope there is?  I have never seen a "+" or a "pregnant" on a test before, and to be honest I have this horrible, terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I never will (I know it is dramatic and probably not how I will always feel, but right now it is and has been since the day I threw away the damn BCP.)  After 16 months of trying I have still yet to freakin see one.  What the hell do we do if we never see one??

I feel like as soon as people hear a couple is beginning fertility procedures they immediately want to congratulate you and tell you how excited you should be.  I am NOT excited.  Yes, I want to get all of this started and yes I am up at night hoping that it works, but I am NOT excited.  This should not be the way we (or anyone else) has to conceive.  I am so grateful that there are medical procedures/technologies like IUI and IVF, but no one should HAVE to go through it.  No one should have to be excited about it.  Today is one of those days where it just seems so unfair, how did I surive these last 16 months?  How do people survive years of this?  I know most of these feelings are because AF is due tomorrow morning but it just doesn't seem fair...

Just got back from dinner with C.  I wrote the first part of this post before our dinner.  I am not sure if I would call her as much a "best friend" as I would a life-long friend.  We grew up across the street from each other for most of our childhood/teenage years.  She was a year older than me and we spent endless amounts of time together growing up.  We fought, called each other names, drove each other in the car when we got our licenses, went on dates together, and often times she was the reason I missed my curfew.  But, she was also the friend standing outside the bathroom door rooting me on as I tried to use a tampon for the first time!  We lost touch off and on throughout the years, but she is the one friend I have always been able to pick up the phone and talk to without worrying about how much time has passed.  And now that I think about it, we have both been there for the others most important moments in life.

I was in her wedding almost 6 years ago and she was in mine almost 3 years ago.  She had twins almost 4 years ago through an IUI.  She was diagnosed with PCOS years and years ago, and they knew it was going to be difficult for her to have a baby so after only trying 3 months on her own, she got pregnant after her first IUI with twins!  She was put on bedrest and I remember going to the hospital to visit her throughout my summer vacation.  When I went in for my HSG, she was the one standing next to me holding my hand as I thought I was going to pass out from anxiety.  I guess you could say I am pretty lucky to have her in my life, maybe I should tell her that one of these days except that I think she already knows...

Anyway, we went out for dinner and drinks tonight and although I felt crummy and still feel crummy, I feel a little better.  She validates my feelings, doesn't compare them to other peoples.  She keeps calling or as she says "stalking."  Even when I don't pick up the phone for days or don't return calls, she keeps calling.  C doesn't compare what I am going through to what she went through, she lets me just talk, complain, bitch, and oddly enough she doesn't tell me everything will be ok because she doesn't know what is going to happen.  She doesn't know what these next few months have in store for us and neither do we.  But what she does remind me of is how much I have to lean on her and my mom.

In these next few days I will have my first ever internal u/s.  I know, crazy, C thought so too.  How have they not checked out my ovaries yet? Yes I have had multiple pelvic exams and lots of bloodwork done, but no u/s.  Even when I was on two months of clomid and mentioned to my OB I would like one, still NOTHING!  So, now on top of everything else I have this dreadful fear that my ovaries are full of cysts or they are going to find something that is going to cancel this cycle, ughh that would be devastating!  Let's hope I wake up with my AF tomorrow and I can get this freaking thing going, enough talking about it's enough to drive a person crazy (although I think I am already there!)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Miss Sage

This weekend has been a struggle for me.  I have kept busy but it has been hard.  I feel like I can't pull myself together and I am constantly picking up the pieces...literally!  I got a new bag on Friday which I LOVE, I needed to change wallets so I could finally use the one my mom got me for my birthday over a year ago and what do you think happened?? I didn't realize the coin part of it was open and I now have 100 coins all throughout my car.  This morning I woke up and decided I was going to clean the fridge, top to bottom.  I tend to not think, just do, so as I was pulling out the drawer with our fruits I bumped the shelf on the inside part of the door, and it came crashing down, along with two beer bottles, a container of sauce, a jar of pickles and some other things.  Everything was safe except the two beers.  Glass was everywhere, and so was beer.  But, the weekend is almost over and I have decided to spend the rest of this post on something that makes me happy.

We got Sage 2 weeks after our honeymoon, almost 3 years ago this July.  I checked with breeders all across the US, made phone calls, followed litters online, and knew I had found the one.  Her breeders were small town people who lived on a farm in North Carolina.  After speaking to them multiple times and reading a few of their references, I knew we had to get a pup from this specific litter. Pat was against getting a dog, and it took LOTS of convincing (luckily I don't give up easily and continued to push the issue.)  He will now admit, it was the best decision I ever made.  Many people often ask where we came up with the name Sage, and to be honest I don't know where I first heard it, but I knew it was going to be her name.  Unfortunately, P had also come up with a name he thought was perfect: Stoli.  We decided that we would wait until after our honeymoon to finalize her name, hoping to see some type of sign while we were in Hawaii.  Believe it or not, just a few days into our honeymoon, we were driving along a cliff and decided to get out and walk around.  We noticed little stone piles and names all over the place made out of all these different rocks.  Then, we stumbled upon this...neither one of us could believe our eyes.  This was a sign, Sage it was (I win again!)

Everyone always talks about the love between an animal and its owners.  It is something you cannot describe.  She is our everything.  Everywhere we go, pepople stop us and ask about her.  She is almost 3 but looks and acts just like a puppy still.  One of the best sounds is when she has found a spot to rest her little head on our couch and she makes this little sighing sound (almost as if to say I love being home.)  Her unconditional love for us makes my heart happy.  I love to watch P interact with her.  He had never had a dog before and I was very nervous about how he would handle it.  He has been the best furdaddy ever, he even picks up her poop!  I hate to think what our life would be like without her. I don't think either one of us would be able to survive these past few months/year without her.

Here are a few pics of our baby...

Friday, March 23, 2012

Only 56...even younger!

Yeah, two posts in one day I know it is a little much, but it was that kind of day.

I knew today would be difficult.  Just didn't know how difficult.  My mom's tests revealed she has COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) and Emphysema.  She is only 56 and never smoked a day in her life (well today she admitted to smoking one cigarette a long time ago and spit it out immediately haha her exact words.)  This is all because of exposure to second hand smoke.  My Nana who I would give anything to have back on this Earth was a smoker and if she was alive today this news would absolutely destroy her.  This wasn't supposed to happen to MY mom...

I am so thankful I went in for the injection class.  My mom came with me after her tests and the nurse was so kind and patient.  Like I have said before it takes a special person (nurse, doctor, even secretary) to deal with IF and make a person feel comfortable during such an uncomofortable and emotional time.  And at my clinic everyone I have met so far has had that special quality.  I practiced setting the Gonal F pen and stabbing a fake stomach haha.  Thank god I practiced because I had no idea what the hell I was doing!

After that my mom and I shopped and shopped and shopped.  It's what we do, it's how we deal with things. 

Then I got home and decided to plant a tree in our backyard.  We have a townhouse, but have our own little backyard area.  The tree was leftover from Christmas and was filled with decorations so I took them off (called my mom and asked how to plant it of course) and started digging.  I hope one day the tree will represent life and perseverance because right now all it represents is anger, sadness, and frustration.

Special Delivery

When I got home from work yesterday there were two packages at my door, I was excited for both but for 2 totally separate reasons.  The first was a navy blue maxi dress from Loft which I had been waiting to come all week.  I LOVE to shop, I find it very therapeutic.

The other thing that came in the mail was my medication for my upcoming IUI.  I tore the box open because I knew it had gotten there in the morning (and although I knew it was in a refrrigerated cooler) I wanted to get them in our refrigerator quickly.  Although it did take me a few seconds to decide should I put them next to the yogurt, eggs, soda???

I'm sure it doesn't look like anything compared to those that have been through an IVF cycle, but for me it was very overwhelming.  No matter how much you read or how many people you talk to, I don't think you can ever really be prepared for this. 

I went out to dinner with a good friend last night.  She knows what we are going through and always tells me how I should be filled with hope because she knows people that have gotten pregnant on their 3rd or 4th IVF.  I don't understand why that is supposed to give people hope?  It scares the shit out of me.  It is so UNFAIR that it takes some people that long, (and some even longer) to have a baby.  Thinking of having to go through all of that makes me sick to my stomach.  I tried to explain to her why that doesn't make me feel better, but like everyone on here says, this is an experience that until you have gone through it yourself, people just can't put themselves in your shoes. 

My mom goes in for her testing this am and I am going in to my REs office to learn how to give myself the injections.  Then I guess I should read all these manuals and see what I am really dealing with.  Hope to get my AF by mid-late next week and then the fun begins!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sleep Deprived (Without a Baby!)

Not sure why I am having so much trouble staying asleep lately.  I don't feel stressed (although maybe my body does.)  I fall asleep fine, but for the past 4 nights I have been up about an hour later, thinking it's time to get up and get ready for work.  When I fall back asleep it is only a few hours before I wake up again totally disoriented, and then again, and again.  It could be the meds, a few days ago I woke up and almost passed out in the shower from being so shaky.  It does say if taking the bromocriptine at night to slowly wake up in the morning or you could have nausea/dizziness, but after I have pushed snooze 3 times, I don't have time to get up slowly!  Whatever I am doing, it isn't working, because someone commented on my dark circles on Monday.  Personally, I think I have a right to dark circles right now!

I talked to Village Pharmacy today and my meds. for my first IUI will be at my front door tomorrow.  I think that is when it will finally hit P.  Can't believe it is time for this.  I have kept a notebook for the past 16 months of everything that has been going on.  I found a list of baby names that P and I had brainstormed after we had been trying for a few months dated April 2011.  How the heck did we get here?  If someone had told me this is where we would be, I would have thought they were crazy!  I am not a very patient person yet somehow all this time has passed and I'm not even pregnant yet, I guess life goes on...

I am going in Friday for an injectibles class (exciting, I guess?)  I watched the video but still do not trust myself 100%.  What if I do it wrong??  How is someone as unqualified as me supposed to stab myself with a needle!?  I have gone back and forth about P doing it, but I am the kind of person that always likes to do things myself, and I don't want this to turn into me getting mad at him for thinking he did it wrong (which if you knew me, that is most lkely what would happen.)  So, for the sake of our relationship I will be giving myself the shots (I think/hope.) 

So glad I have this blog, because no one else understands!  Oh, the crazy life of an infertile...

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Won't Give Up

"We had to learn how to bend
Without the world caving in"

I thought this was a nice song to head into the week with, hope everyone does something this week that makes you happy :)

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Defining Moments

I have been thinking A LOT lately about this battle with IF.  There are lots of what ifs in my head that often times take over my thoughts.  It got me thinking about whether or not I can actually handle all of this...

I believe all of us have a story, moments that have made us who we are, defining moments.  My defining moment has been pushed deep down to a dark place that I don't often go to. 

Growing up basketball was MY LIFE.  I began playing (not exactly sure) around 8 or 9, a few years after that I began to play AAU.  AAU basketball means, I was playing for a team during the offseason.  I ate, drank, and slept basketball.  My dad coached me since the time I can remember.  We used to spend days/night in the driveway and in the basement perfecting my dribbling moves all building up to what I hoped to be a Division I scholarship to play basketball in college.  While other kids my age were going to parties, hanging out at the mall, I was travelling to DC, Tennessee, and everywhere else to play the game I loved.

In high school I scored over 1,000 points, led my AAU team to the State Championship, and was offered multiple Division I scholarships...I DID IT!

However, as the saying goes, nothing is as good as it seems.  I was the only freshman who decided not to live with another basketball player, like I said in a previous email, I like my own space.  I wanted to make my own friends, have some kind of life outside of basketball.  Well, when you sign on the dotted line, there is no life outside of basketball.  The first few months went well, I practiced hard, got used to college life, and was pretty damn proud of my accomplishment.

Unfortunately, my coach was not what I believed him to be.  My father has always been extremely hard on me which was often times hard to handle and resulted in lots of slammed doors at home, but he was always honest.  If I sucked, he told me.  My college coach was different, he was sneaky, he played mind games, he was abusive (not in a punch you or slap you kind of way, it was different.)  My coach had these huge goals for me but wasn't willing to give me the time I needed to develop into that role, it was now or never.  When time was up, he decided he was going to humiliate me, hoping that would force me to step up to the challenge.  I still remember getting to Syracuse (yes, the same Syracuse that is in the Men's NCAA Tourney) and getting pulled aside with one other freshman and being told while the rest of the team warmed up for our game, we would be running sprints on the sideline.  Another time we played a team close to home, I had a lot of hometown fans come to see me play, he refused to play me, I was the only one that didn't get in the game.  He was trying to hit me where it hurt. It was around February when I decided I had taken enough abuse.  The season was winding down and the finish line was in sight.  Until, we made the NIT tournament.  It was then, that I made a decision...I was going to go talk to my coach.

I don't remember walking into the gym, or into his office.  I sort of remember telling him that I couldn't do it anymore: my knees were in terrible shape, I missed home, and I didn't deserve the abuse.  But what I do remember is his response:  "The team was counting on me, if I left the team I would forever be considered a failure."  What a crock of shit, I barely got in the games at this point, it was just more mind games.  I left the meeting convinced I was done, I had stood up to the person that had a hand in destroying my childhood dreams.

Or so I thought, just a half hour later my dorm room phone rang.  It was my two assistant coaches asking to be let into my room.  I figured they wanted to come up to console me or try and pump me up so of course I let them up.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  They came in my room, closed the door, and told me they were not leaving until I changed my mind.  If they had to, they were going to drag me to practice kicking and screaming, and they did.  Well, not the kicking and screaming part, but I was forced to wipe away the tears and go to practice that afternoon. 

I did end up leaving that school after my freshman year and transferring to a Division II school to live out my basketball dream elsewhere.  Unfortunately, I just didn't have it in me, I had been beaten down and was no longer the same person I had been.  I only lasted there the Fall Semester, and this time I had my mom with me to tell the coach.  I can still remember his words, "What the hell did that guy do to you?"  He was referencing my coach freshman year; it was then that I realized I was broken, I had lost myself, my spark. 

It was not until about 6 years ago, when I got my first teaching job that I slowly began to find myself again, that spark for life I have always had.

I transferred for a third time, burying what had happened deep down.  College was ok, and I was extremely lucky that my parents could afford to get me a great education, but when I think of those 4 years the only word that comes to mind is surviving.  I survived.  I did seek out therapy, but it didn't last.  Upon leaving my first session my therapist told me that just the night before she had been shooting hoops with her little girl in the driveway thinking about how great it would be if her daughter could play Division I basketball?  Did she not hear anything I just said???

I was in the grocery store a few weeks ago (we still live in the same town I went to high school) and noticed a man staring at me.  I could tell he recognized me but I had no idea who he was.  He eventually made his way over to me and said, "Do you ever pick up a ball anymore, you were great to watch."  I graduated from high school over 10 years ago!  I also get a kick out of a story P told me just a few months ago.  He was talking to a fellow coworker and somehow it got mentioned who he was married to (me.)  His coworker immediately started shaking his head in disbelief.  He had a daughter that plays basketball in high school now for a rival town.  When he heard my name he almost fell over, telling P that the school his daughter plays for used to refer to me as Lindsay EFFING V (V being the first letter of my maiden name) because it was so hard to stop me. 

While those types of comments bring a smile to my face and remind me of a time basketball was my everything, they also bring haunting memories.  No one really knows what I went through and to this day I don't think I have fully dealt with the loss of my dream. 

I try not to think about college very often.  It was a very sad time for me.  I still don't know if I was strong in walking away, or weak in not being able to suck it up, as so many college athletes do.  I like to think I was strong to be able to walk away.  A free ride wasn't worth it to me, I was worth more.

Some may be wondering what this post has to do with infertility.  I think it has EVERYTHING to do with it.  In my life there have been very few things I have strived to attain with my whole heart.  Playing basketball was one, having a baby is another.  I will not allow another dream to be destroyed.  I am stronger today than I was 10 years ago and I will survive.  This struggle will not define me.  I will not succumb to it, the way I did to that coach and I can handle it.

Friday, March 16, 2012


Lately as I have been reading the blogs I have been noticing everyone reference their "BFF" often and it got me to thinking.  I am still friends with some girls from when I was little, I still keep in touch with a few friends from college, and I have some good friends that I have met since graduating college and entering the teaching profession.  But, none of them are what I would call a best friend; the person I call when I am sad, happy, need a pick me up, or want to go shopping. 

Growing up, I always played with the boys, I never had an interest in having lots of girlfriends.  I have always hated drama, never been a girly girl, have always been pretty confident in myself (none of which make having close girl friends easy) and I can't STAND clingy people.   To be honest, I have always enjoyed my alone time, I have no problem going shopping by myself or having a glass of wine with P on a Friday night.  Yes, I enjoy a night out, and will never turn down a glass of wine or a good laugh, but it has never been something that has defined me.  I was never one of those people that went out just so I would have a good story the next moning, never felt the need to impress other people.  Guess that is one of the best things my parents taught me, to like myself and feel comfortable in my own skin.

That brings me to "MY BFF."  A while ago I realized that the reason I never craved that best friend growing up is because I had already had one all mom.  When I have had a bad day, I call my mom, when I have had a good day I call my mom, when I want to go shopping, see a movie, go to the beach, I call my mom.  I am one of the lucky ones that was blessed with a once in a lifetime relationship with the person that gave me life!  When P and I first began TTC, one of the biggest things on my mind was I wanted to make my parents grandparents.  I remember (last year when we were so naive) imagining surprising my mom on Mother's Day with a baby carriage pandora charm, or my dad on Father's Day with a special surprise...haha if I only knew what I know now!

So, this post is dedicated to my mom, my BFF, my "person."  She recently got some news that (crossing my fingers) is nothing or it could be something.  We will know more next Friday when she goes in for some more tests.  We decided to both take the day off, and go shopping after the tests.  At least it will give us both something to look forward to.

As for me, no idea what is going on with my body.  My BBT went up .3 on Thursday and was back down this morning.  Oh, the joys of cycling.  Last night I watched a video of how to give myself the Gonal-F injections and all I have to say is WTF!  I guess I have a few weeks to let it all sink in.

Until then Lindsay, it's time to...
Put on your Big Girl Panties and Deal With It!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Me Against the World

I am feeling really angry today, if you are not you might want to skip over this post, and we can commiserate together at a later date :)

Since we began trying what seems like forever ago (although I know to many it probably is not that long) I have done all I can to familiarize myself with my cycle.  I am sick and tired of it, all of it.  I have charted my BBT for a year now, spent countless money on OPKs (which never once showed OV) and still continue to spend money on my ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor and those stupid sticks every month.  I am so angry at my body.  The bromocriptine (med. to lower my prolactin) was supposed to solve my ovulation issues, last month which was my first month on the meds. my cycle was only 31 days, great, everything should be fine now right?? 

I have since started a new cycle and am on cd 17.  Saturday night/Sunday morning I noticed the super fertile, stretchy CM (sorry if this is too much information) which should mean I am about to ovulate, if only it were that effing simple.  My fertility monitor gave me my first high reading on Thursday, which was cd 11.  Since then, the CM has completely dried up and I continue to have a high reading on my monitor, where the heck is the PEAK??  For those of you that have never used one of these monitors, you begin POAS around day 7/8 and it will give you a LOW reading until it detects a certain hormone in your body which will change the monitor to HIGH.  Once it detects the LH surge (usually 2-3 days later) it will give you a PEAK reading which tells you, you will ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. 

My BBT has not moved...AT ALL.  I was so desperate I even ran out and bought OPKs, which I hadn't bought in months because they were so not useful to me and still only one stupid line.  It all points to one thing: I didn't ovulate.

Some may think I am jumping the gun, that's fine, you don't know what my body is like.  This has been my problem since day body prepares to ovulate, everything looks good, and then NOTHING...for at least another week and a half/two weeks.  My last cycle before the meds. was 56 days, and this cycle is eerily similar.  I am predicting my monitor will go back down to low in the next few days and then I will spend the rest of what feels like eternity waiting to ovulate...nevermind the 2 ww, wating to ovulate is just as much enough to drive a person with irregular cycles crazy!  The chances of getting a good egg are slim to none, as Dr. P put it. 

They say couples go through this together, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.  I am the one making all the phone calls, I am the one taking the meds, I am the one waking up every morning and taking my temp and POAS before I do anything else, and I am the one that is supposed to be carrying a baby, OUR baby.  I know it's not P's fault, and I know it's typical for me to feel this way, but it just isn't fair...

I know this anger will not last forever, but in the mean time it is consuming me.  For the longest time it was mostly sadness I felt, and I remember reading other people's blogs wondering why they felt so much anger/hatred toward their body and at their situation and I just couldn't understand it.  Now, I do.

As my mom always tells me...this too shall pass (hopefully)

Monday, March 12, 2012

Oh Baby!

So, the preggos are out in full force.  Yesterday 4 different people posted on FB how happy they were that they only had 2-3 months left until their little one arrives.  I also saw a pic of one of their bellies, someone I am not really great friends with and for just a second it took my breath away.  I know, I know, I should really freeze my Facebook account for a little while but it will leave me so out of the loop!

It made me think of the beginning. 

When we decided to start trying in Dec. '10 we told very few people.  A few months into it one of my good friends told me her and her hubby were going to start trying soon.  So, during March and April we would get together, usually over drinks to have pity parties over our BFN and brainstorm different things we could use to enhance our chances.  Then, I got the text, she was late.  I was genuinely happy, actually ecstatic for her.  But, it also made me think something was wrong with P and me.  Sadly, she miscarried and it was devastating for her and broke my heart, I remember sobbing at my parents house for her loss.  Even though I was having a difficult time with my own emotions I could not stand to see her in so much pain.  They are pregnant again and are expecting in June.  I am still so happy for her but the pain I feel for myself is a little deeper.

Last January we got together with a couple and somehow we got talking about how we had both thrown away BC and were hoping to start a family.  Her mother had difficulty and she worried she would too.  Her baby is now 5 months old.

There are many more similar to this but these set the stage, sadly, I think everyone has these stories.  Whenever IF comes up, everyone always talks about how they know "someone" that has been through it.  Why do I have to be a someone?

In other news, P is feeling better and it is GORGEOUS out! Time to go for a walk with pup, hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Spoke too soon...

P is sick and it's his birthday.

Game over, window is closed.

I am taking this as a sign, bring on the Gonal-F injections...

Friday, March 9, 2012

Feels good to not feel so bad...

So spending 48 hours sick to the point where I couldn't pick my head up except to crawl to the bathroom put some things into perspective for me. As much as being sick absolutely sucked it also reminded me how lucky P and I are to be healthy. This morning I finally woke up able to walk around the house, smell food without having an overwhelming sense of nausea and have enough energy to make it to work. It felt so great just to get in the shower and take Sage for a walk. Of course this feeling won't last long and I will be back to being sad about everything we are going through. But, for right now I am thankful to be healthy and aside from a daily dose of bromocriptine, I am so grateful to not yet be pumping myself with meds.

I am hoping we still have a chance this month, crossing my fingers P doesn't get what I had. I actually tossed and turned all last night worried he would get it and then there would really be no chance, but so far so good.

We are currently on cd12 and my meds will arrive in a little less than 2 weeks. I was so excited when I first learned of these next steps and now I find myself with such mixed feelings. I remember telling my mom with disappointment we werent going straight to IVF and we had decided to try IUI first. But now I don't know if I am ready for any of this this. I don't know if P is ready for this. I hope all these feelings are normal. Can you ever really be ready for this? Daily shots, a trigger shot, using suppositories, what the heck?? This is a world I never thought I would become a part of. What if I don't want to give my body over to all of this? Being sick these past few days made me realize how wonderful I feel when I am healthy. I am nervous about the side effects both mentally and physically. I am worried I won't be able to give myself the shots correctly. And, yes, I am scared it is all going to hurt. Like I said before, I consider myself a pretty strong person, but when it comes to shots and needles I am as wimpy as they come...I guess that is going to have to change!

At least it's Friday and Spring is coming, everything always shines a little bit brighter in the sun.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Such a small window...

Since getting back to work over a week ago I have been surprisingly positive and more like the old me. I should have known something was lurking...the dreaded stomach bug. I went to bed last night excited because it was cd8 and I knew our small window was opening over the next week for our last chance to try on our own before our IUI next month. However, I wasn't in bed for long, at 130 I began to feel nauseous and within 10 minutes was hunched over the toilet emptying what felt like a weeks worth of stuff. I continued to hug the toilet for the next 5 hours. I am now on the couch with a blanket and my pup, angry and feeling like death. We won't even get into what I look like! Why does it always seem these things happen at the word possible time. Ugh...

Sunday, March 4, 2012

P...My Other Half

P is my husband.  A very, very private person.  The fact that he is even allowing me to post this picture is a huge step!  When I first told him I started a blog, he was extremely upset with me, he thought it was available to anyone/everyone, kind of like Facebook.  When I explained what it was and how I was going to use it he slowly warmed up to the idea.  Now, here I am just a few weeks later posting a picture of him!  This was from a helicopter ride on our honeymoon in Hawaii, almost 3 years ago!  What I wouldn't give to go back to that island...

We first became friends our freshman year in high school (I think haha).  Our first date was in February, our senior year.  We have been together ever since.

He constantly reminds me how on our second date I ordered something that I wasn't crazy about and spit it back out on my plate after the first bite.  I constantly remind him, he should have known what he was getting into right then and there haha! 

We couldn't be a more perfect match for each other.  I am emotional, energetic, intense, and sometimes a lot to handle, whereas P is calm, laid back, and EXTREMELY kind, to the point that it drives me crazy sometimes.  He calms me down and I rev him up! The best part of our marriage is every year I think we fall a little bit more in love with each other.  Yes, we have our ups and downs and our relationship is not even close to being perfect, but we fit together perfectly.

Over the next few days we will both be celebrating our 29th birthday.  29...where did the time go?  A few years ago, we had a plan...A PLAN.  Over these past 15 months that plan has been thrown out the stupid window.  I was hoping to have a baby to fill our empty guest room by now.  We were supposed to be thinking about trying for our second one by now.  What happened to the plan??  P tries to remain very positive through all of this while I go through a roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis.

One of the first things people tell me when they learn of our troubles is how young we are.  Of course we are young, THAT WAS THE PLAN!  We wanted to be young when we had all of our children.  We aren't a couple that met late in life or that wanted to put off having a family.  We got married young and wanted children young!

Maybe our first IUI next month will work and maybe we will have our first baby before we both turn 30, a year from this very week.  But I have read too much, know too much, am all to aware of our issues, and while I am filled with hope I refuse to let it build up too much inside me.  I think we need a new plan...

The plan for this week is to enjoy our birthdays together and psych ourselves up for the journey that awaits us.  I am very lucky to have P in my life, I hope he can say the same about me over these next few months! Something tells me I won't be the easiest person in the world to deal with, but then again I think that's what he loves about me!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Thoughts About Me

This battle with infertility has given me a lot to think about over these past few weeks, months, well I guess it's been a while!  I have a pretty good idea of how others see me but I often times struggle to find what I think of myself.  There are days when I get home from work down in the dumps, really kind of pathetic and I want to give myself a big kick in the ass, pissed at myself for acting this way.  In my weakest moments, I want others to be aware of our pain and sympathize with us.  Both our parents and siblings and a few select friends are aware of what's going on, but there are so many others who are not.  Then there are other days I feel like a champion because most of the people in my life have no idea the extent of what is going on with P and me.  I simply put a smile on and effortlessly talk with friends and coworkers about their pregnancy or their children.

I have been in the same school, same grade for 6 years.  For whatever reason since the first day I began teaching, people have come to me for help/answers, looked to me to be a leader, given me the kids they thought many others couldn't handle.  While that may seem great, I never asked for it.  So, now when I find myself struggling to get through some days, I don't want to be that person at work anymore.  I love my job and I love that people think of me the way they do, but I am tired of being the one that everyone thinks has it all together.  Because, deep down, I don't.  It's not that I put on an act for people (I can't stand people who are fake) it's just they expect me to act/be a certain way and so that is what I do.

I am very proud of myself this past week because while everyone came back from vacation feeling so relaxed after what they claimed was such a wonderful week away from school I knew in my heart, this vacation was almost the death of me.  After our second visit with Dr. P I spent hour after hour going over all my notes, charts, doctors visits, meds, success rates, wonderding what these next few months will bring for me and P.  But, I walked in, kept it together and kindly replied "My vacation was good."  What am I supposed to say, I spent every waking minute yearning for a baby, praying this will be the month we see 2 lines??  It's not me, I don't like to complain to people.  I know how annoying people are that complain all the time, I refuse to be one of them.  Maybe I am stronger than I think. 

This whole infertility thing is so confusing.  Some days I am so positive and other days I think to myself, how the hell did we get here?  But, it's been a good week for me so I want to leave on a good note.  In just a short time, blogging has become something I look forward to daily.  I LOVE it!  I appreciate the comments, the followers, and reading others blogs as well.  So, thank you to everyone who has made an effort to reach out to me.  As I am sure you all know, it really makes a difference!!!  Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A day in the life...

Since there are so many teachers struggling with fertility out there I thought maybe this post would at least get a laugh. I teach first grade in an inclusion classroom which means I have many students on special education plans and the skill levels vary from reading chapter books to still not being able to identify and reproduce the sound of the letter c. To say they keep me on my toes is an understatement! Nonetheless I love them all and about a month ago I began to realize how much they make me laugh. So, wouldn't it be neat to keep a notebook of quotes said by them that have gotten a reaction out of me. I post these quotes on the board and we often go back to them. One day I will make a book...but for now here are a few of their words...

I recently chopped 7 inches off my hair and after a few days I got this: "Mrs. C, your hair is little still."

I don't drink coffee but I have one little bottle of coke a day and the kids remind me every day how bad it is for me so one day I came in with a different drink and got this: "when did YOU start drinking gatorade?"

We recently celebrated the 100th day of school and when I asked my students what they will be like when they are 100 years old this was my favorite response: "when I am 100 years old I will still be young."

And my most favorite: "Mrs. C, I don't want to be a teacher it's too much work."

Oh, to be a kid again...