Wednesday, January 16, 2013

25 Weeks

25 weeks...seriously?? How did this happen!!  I am almost in the third trimester and this is getting more and more real by the minute.

I had quite the scare last Friday night.  P was out at a friend's 30th birthday party which I was unable to attend.  It was around 7:30 and I picked up a pizza from Dominos (can you see where this is going??)  I had 3-4 pieces, which is what I have always eaten and then made the mistake of lying down.  Within minutes, I felt pain radiating up and down my sides and it was hard to breathe.  I began to get really nervous because I was alone and had never felt anything like this before.  Luckily, mom and dad are right around the corner so I calmly called her and asked if she could come over and let Sage out because I wasn't feeling well.  From the time I hung up the phone to when she got here the pains got progressively worse, I could not sit, lay down, and was having trouble standing straight up.  I called the on call doctor and she recommeded I go right to the hospital, so that is what we did!  I had no idea where to go, was totally freaked out I was going into labor, and was in SO much pain! 

Luckily, they hooked me up to the monitors immediately and she was kicking away and I was not having contractions, but rather an incredibly bad case of heartburn.  I was there for a little over 2 hours and after they gave me this nasty GI concotion I began to feel a little better.  Yes, my husband rushed home and made it to the hospital, because we had no idea what was going on and my mom thought he should come home.  We finally got home around midnight and I was wiped for the remainder of the weekend.  I don't think I will ever look at a piece of pizza the same again!

The doctors were wonderful and told me to stay away from spicy/greasy foods and they gave me a prescription for medication if I do decide to eat something that may not agree with me, so we can avoid these scares in the future.  They also told me NEVER, EVER, eat and then lie down; wait at least 30 minutes. 

Strangely enough, the doctor who was in the hospital with me, knew my RE very well (it was weird to hear him reference my pregnancy as an "IVF pregnancy" I guess you never escape it) and he also told me that Dr. B who did my retrieval and transfer had moved out of the practice.  That was hard to swallow.  He wasn't my RE, but he was the one who convinced us to transfer two, he was the one who placed the embryo(s) in just the right spot and got us pregnant! 

Ok, next subject.  Our maternity photos have been booked.  We never got engagement pictures done, which I still regret to this day, and we are not into the "intimate" pictures haha so we will be doing a session outside (short and sweet) hopefully with snow in the background.  The pictures are for the end of February, I will be about 31 weeks, which might seem a little early, but March and April are just so busy I am going to see if this will work. 

Oh yeah, can we talk about movement?? Because ever since Christmas (you were right mom) baby has been squirming around in there ALL day EVERY day.  I can't tell what kind of movement it is, ever, but feels like she is having a little party in there.  From the time I wake up, until the time I fall asleep I feel her, I guess that is a good sign though!  When I was getting monitored at the hospital, it took 2 different nurses and lots of manuvering to get her consistently on the monitor because she wouldn't stop moving. 

I am currently sick with what feels like a mild flu.  No fever, just sore throat, a litle achey, and just feel crummy so I stayed home from work.  I am actually wondering if I picked something up at the hospital last weekend, I was so hopeful to get through the whole winter without being sick, but hopefully it will be gone soon.

And finally, I am looking for recommendations.  P and I really want a new camera.  Nothing too crazy, definitely need an upgrade. We have a Canon, but it is about 3 years old and doesn't really offer us much.  Anyone recently use/buy a camera they are in love with?  Our iphones just aren't going to cut it once little one arrives!

Next up, our first serial growth scan next week to check on baby and make sure everything looks the way it is supposed to.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Things I Have Learned (And Am Still Learning)

I have never been an eloquent speaker. That is one of the reasons I was hesitant to start my blog (almost a year ago.) I am an open book. Most people (that know me well) can tell what kind of mood I am in just by the way I answer the telephone or respond to a text message. But, I am also very honest and I feel like that is one of the reasons I have connected with so many bloggers. I don't sugarcoat things. EVER.

This whole experience has left me constantly reflecting and I have been wanting to do a post like this for a while.

Dealing with infertility and all that comes along with it (procedures, tests, failure, tears, needles, phone calls) and then pregnancy is a whirldwind. There were times early on after discovering I was pregnant, that I found myself wanting to slow down time. Wanting to give my mind and body time to recover from IVF before jumping into pregnancy (I know, oh ho ironic.)

Throughout these last 2 years (and these last few months) I have learned:

  • Infertility changes you (for better or worse.) For the longest time I struggled with trying to get back to the person I was before this all started. I felt a sadness. Like I lost part of myself in going through all of this. Only recently have I realized that throughout life everyone goes through different experiences. Those experiences shape the person we become. We are forever changing. And that is okay. I am okay with the person I am today. I may have less patience for some and more sympathy for others. I may still have some bad moments where I am wrapped up in anger and sadness or frustration, but that is okay. Because my happy moments are that much happier and I will NEVER once take this pregnancy or this baby for granted.

  • If it doesn't kill you it WILL make you stronger. I hate this stupid saying, but I have to say I have found a lot of truth in it. HSGs, MRIs, sperm analyses, IUIs, IVf. Think about the day you married your significant other. Could you have ever imagined not only having to put yourselves through this, but surviving it? Could you have ever pictured sticking yourself with multiple needles night after night without even a guarantee you will have a baby at the end of it? I never in a million years would have thought I could do that. Somehow I found the strength and, it didn't kill me (although there were definitely times I was afraid it might.)

  • Your marriage WILL be tested OVER and OVER again. You will have conversations and sit through doctors appts where things will be talked about that most people will never have to deal with. Some marriages will survive this and some will not. That is a very scary thought. I consider P and I very lucky because we did survive this. Although it is not perfect, nor easy, we have done it. Sometimes it is so easy to get lost in the goal of having a child that you forget what was behind this goal: a deep love between you and your partner. A love that was very alive long before trying for a child ever came into the picture. Try and keep that love alive. Because you would be surprised at how quickly that can disappear.

  • Infertility SUCKS. Infertility IS SO UNFAIR. Infertility will suck the LIFE right out of you. There will be days you spend crying in bed. Days you avoid the outside world. Days you can't stand the people in your life that don't understand your pain and will never know what it feels like to want for a child and not have it happen naturally like it does for so many others. And then there will be days when you wake up and say to yourself, "I CAN DO THIS."

  • Some people will ALWAYS say the wrong thing. It isn't that they mean to it is just that they don't know what to say. Would you know what to say if you hadn't gone through this? I know I wouldn't.

  • Infertility is a HUSH HUSH subject. And I HATE this. I have no problem talking about our struggles, but what I have realized is that it makes many people uncomfortable. For some reason it is acceptable to talk about diseases or illness, but infertility is something that makes people shudder. The only thing I can say about this, is if you feel comfortable, TALK ABOUT IT. It is the only way we will be able to shine some light on the debilitating effects infertility has on us.

  • There will be days you walk by a mirror and see that growing belly and think "There is no way that is me." I had convinced myself that I would never be pregnant, that I would never have this belly. There are still days it catches me by surprise.

  • Your stomach will STRETCH and STRETCH and STRETCH. Haha. But, it will happen gradually. I remember thinking I looked "bigger" after just 3 or 4 months. Oh boy, did I have no idea what "bigger" really meant. And to be honest I still don't think I do because I still have 15+ weeks (hopefully) of growing with this belly that already seems to big for my body!

  • There are parts of your body you will not be able to see for WEEKS! And after the initial shock wears off, you really won't care, as a matter of fact, you may find yourself forgetting what anything below your belly button even looks like!

You may or may not agree with all or some of what I have written and that's okay. These are thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Things that I often wonder if other people think about/struggle with.

I still cannot believe that in just a few months we will have a baby. We get to see her again in two weeks for our first serial growth scan and although I am so excited, the fears have started to creep back in. It is not something I can talk to people about because they don't understand my fears or anxieties. But, I know you do. Which is why I always go back to this blog. I recently attemped to go back on facebook, even posting a picture or two reflecting the pregnancy, and within just a half hour I found myself deactivating my account. Although so many people responded with positive comments it didn't feel "real" or "genuine." I am so thankful for this community. For this safe place where I can express myself openly and honestly and know that someone, somewhere, understands how I am feeling.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Catching Up

P and I had a great day today. A Trader Joe's recently opened up around us so we went to check it out, lots of affordable groceries and almost all organic. We also went to check out our stroller at Giggle.  Convincing P that we NEEDED this stroller was difficult haha but eventually he caved.  Hoping to order it on Amazon over the next few months.  We decided to go with the UppaBaby Vista, a bit of a splurge but that's okay with me...

I will leave you with a few pictures taken over the last few weeks...

Taken Christmas Morning (not a great one of the bump)

A version of this was used for our Christmas card this year.

No, this was not taken at a store, this is baby girl's closet.  I won't even
tell you about all the onesies hidden in her dresser.  Don't worry,
I have been buying newborn through 18 months haha!  I told you
December was a stressful month!!


And finally, Sage, telling us how very excited
she is to be a big sister soon!

23-24 weeks

It has been so long since I have blogged.  I am continuing to read everyone's stories and although I am not commenting I am following each and every one of you so very closely.

There has been a lot going on, nothing earth shattering...

The Good

I am almost 24 weeks pregnant.  And I am feeling baby girl moving LIKE CRAZY!  I don't know what she is doing in there, but we are in trouble if she is this active when she comes out!  I am still sleeping decent most nights.  My belly is growing!  Our nursery is just about complete.  The only thing we are waiting on is the chair and that is going to be a while, probably will not be here until early/mid March.  But, the painting is done, beadboard/chair rail is up, and we have the dresser, crib, and bookcase assesmbled.  I took a chance and did the one thing everyone tells you NOT to do, and ordered all pieces of furniture without being able to see them in person.  Each piece was from the Land of Nod (associated with Crate and Barrel) but there is no location within driving distance to our house.  After looking at other furniture at baby stores and constantly consulting the Baby Bargains book, I knew this was the furniture we had to have.  It came within 2-4 weeks, the men brought the pieces right up to the nursery, and the dresser was already assembled, and it looks beautiful.  I will post pictures soon, but right now we still have our guest bed in there because Sage likes to sit on it and stare out the window, and it is just too difficult for P to get rid of it right now because of how much time our pup spends on it! 

P and I will be celebrating our 30th birthdays in March, just a month before baby is expected to arrive.   Even though I expected to be thinking about baby #2 by now, the realization tha we are going to have our first baby is a pretty awesome 30th birthday present for both of us!

I had an appt. a few days ago and my belly measured 23 cm which was right on track, my blood pressure was still great at 106/62, and she picked up baby's strong heartbeat right away.  Because my alpha-protein levels came back high in November, we need to begin our serial growth scans to make sure baby girl is still growing appropriately and the placenta is working.  So, we have our first (of three) sceduled for 2 1/2 weeks from now.  We haven't seen our little one since that scary high risk ultrasound, so as long as everything looks good, it should be a much more fun u/s for P and me where we can hopefully get a few more pictures!

I love my OB.  I was iffy about her in the beginning, but since dealing with the scare a few weeks ago, she has been wonderful.  She is very proactive and I feel my baby and I are getting the best possible care which I am so grateful for. 

I also found out that the twice a week NST will not start until 32 weeks.  I had originally thought they were going to start at week 28, but was wrong.  That seems a lot more manageable.  Either way, March and April are going to be crazy going back and forth from work to the doctors.  So, let's hope January and February stay calm with no "surprises."

No stretchmarks, yet!

The Bad

December was a tough month for us as a couple.  We seemed to have turned a corner and we are doing a lot better now.  Marriage is hard, infertility makes it harder, and pregnancy after infertility (although some people claim it makes their marriage so much stronger) can be extremely difficult. 

There are reminders everywhere I turn of what was taken from P and me.  Everywhere we turn another couple is announcing they are pregnant, some with their second.  It continues to knock the wind right out of me.  I am hoping that once baby comes these feelings will slowly fade away even more, but the pregnancy announcements still sting, especially those announcing their second.  Those sting A LOT.

Physically this pregnancy has been pretty easy, but a few days before Christmas I started developing a lot of pain in my lower left back/hip.  My OB thinks its sciatica and wrote me a script for a PT evaluation...hopefully we can get that under control quickly.

The Ugly

Shaving?  Haha, let's just not even go there.  There are way too many parts of my body that I can no longer see. 

When my OB asked what my pre-pregnancy weight was I STUPIDLY gave her the weight I was at the morning of my egg retrieval: 123 lbs.  Between losing some weight right before IVF, not being able to eat for 12 hours because of the surgery, and lots of anxiety, I had lost 4 or 5 pounds.  Meaning, that weight was not even close to being my typical everyday weight!  Now I am up to 140.  So, when she told me I was up 17 pounds I wanted to say...wait wait wait haha!  My real pre-pregnancy weight is more like 127.  But, she didn't have a problem with the weight gain because I am still pretty tiny, so I guess I will just go with it!  (And secretly tell myself I am only up 13 pounds, not 17!)

Oh yeah, my pregnancy pants, those pretty much don't fit anymore!  I bought them around 12/13 weeks and they have been great for the last 3 months, but I am definitely running out of room.  No way I can survive the next 16 weeks in them!

That's about it for now, I am going to try and get back to blogging regularly, but sometimes life just gets in the way!  As I write this, baby is giving me a few quick kicks in the stomach, possibly to remind me I have no idea how busy life is actually going to get this Spring!