Tuesday, March 10, 2015

It's about that time...

Accupuncture was amazing today.  Yesterday was a really bad day, I was shocked when I got the news that 6 of our eggs were just gone.  To work that hard and know those little eggs never had a chance was really sad for me.

I woke up this morning feeling ok and then I got to accupuncture.  I am seeing someone new.  I was a little apprehensive at first because it is a man only a few years older than me, but he is my friends brother and right around the corner from my house so I thought I would give it a try and he is amazing!  When he started my treatment today he stopped for a second, looked at me and told me it was okay to be pissed, okay to be angry and that I needed to let it out so I could be ready for tomorrow.  Rather then tell me it will be okay and just be positive he recognized how stressful a situation I was in and validated my feelings.  And it worked.  I started crying, practiced my breathing, found a spot on the ceiling to focus on and slowly started to feel better.

So, tomorrow is the day.

I found out we have a 2-cell embryo and a 4-cell embryo as of 2:00 this afternoon.

The last time I cycled in 2012, we had 12 embryos at this point, a handful of 2-cell and a handful of 4-cell and then when we walked in to the transfer we were only left with 3 decent looking embryos.  The catch is we got H out of it so I know miracles can happen.

But, I am just really nervous about how tomorrow is going to play out.  If both are left tomorrow I feel like once again I am going to be forced into a corner of putting both embryos in like last time.  I am adamant about not wanting twins.  I give people all the credit in the world who do it, and do it so well, but I don't know if I can do it.

What do I do?  Put in both? Only put one in and risk losing the other and having to go through the entire process again if I get a negative beta in a few weeks?  This is the hardest part of all.  All the uncertainty.  Anyone have any advice??

I already know my doctor wants me to put in 2, before I even started cycling we had the discussion and I explained how strongly I felt about only doing one.  If I had 4 or 5 embryos this decision would be easy: one embryo all the way, probably with my doctors support.  But, it's not that easy!

So, here I am sitting on the couch by myself, watching trashy television trying to come up with some kind of plan for tomorrow, while my husband is in bed with a headache.  Just me and my thoughts...


  1. I have no advice. The whole thing is such a game of "what if" and "what if not". But as the accupuncturist said, it's ok to be all the things you are feeling about it (sad, angry, confused, stressed, etc). My thoughts and prayers are with you - I hope that above all you will feel peace about what happens and what you choose to do or not do.

  2. I guess if it were me, I would see how things looked the day of the transfer. I am also very pro-SET. If I had two good embryos, I would do 1 and freeze the other. If 1 looked good and the other was fair-poor, I would transfer both. Don't let them pressure you or make you doubt your gut. Remember, embryos can split also! Other than that, I am pulling for you. Just do your breathing and think of your little girl.