Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Is that how the song goes?

That is kind of how I am feeling tonight.

It could be hormones, it could be because our scan is tomorrow, or it could be that I still haven't dealt with the fact that we spent almost 2 years trying to have a baby.  Obsessing over having a baby.  Struggling, crying, pulling away.

These past few weeks I have jumped head first into pregnancy.  That is my nature.  I go, go, go, and then I crash.  In this case, I fall apart.  I have loved telling people, most reactions have been wonderful.  Planning our nursery is one of my favorite things to do.  And seeing my growing belly feels magical at times.

But, tonight, I am having a really bad night.  I have always been the person that has been there for other people when they needed me.  I have always been the first person to send a card for this or that.  My mom has told me in the past she is sorry for rasising me that way.  I don't consider myself the nicest person, that would be my husband, but I do consider myself a very thoughtful person.   I go out of my way for people a lot. Which is great, until I place those expectations on other people.

I am tired of people not understanding.  I am tired of being the person that needs to explain things to people.  Over the past two weeks two different people have texted me about how two of their friends are also having babies in April and how great it was.  These texts shouldn't upset me.  AT ALL.  Except for the fact that both of those "friends of friends" got married in the spring, THIS past spring.  They got married, had sex, and had a baby.  That was what I wanted.  That was supposed to be the way it was for P and me.  It hurts to hear stories like that.  It hurts to know that to my friends I am just another person who got pregnant.  I don't know what I am looking for from them, I just know I am not getting it.  Why can't I just get over it?  It worked, we are having a baby.  One little baby, it is just what I wanted and still I feel a little bit of sadness.  The worst part is I know there are so many of you out there still waiting for your little one, so many that have gone through multiple IVFs, and I should just thank my lucky stars that the first one worked.  And most days I do, but today it hasn't been so easy.

I hope this is all the hormones and not the way things are going to be for me.  Someone at work, my same age, asked me how I was feeling today and then proceeded to ask me if I was tired of being asked that yet because she grew sick of it very quickly when she was pregnant.   What I wanted to say was, I have been waiting almost 2 years to be asked that question, I hope people ask me that question every single day for the rest of my pregnancy.  I feel like I have so much anger and frustration built up that I don't know what to do with it.  I know people mean no harm, but I feel like they don't even think before they talk.  And I am sick of it.  I am sick of letting people off the hook because they don't understand.  Just because they haven't been through it, doesn't mean they can't at least make an EFFORT.  I don't think I am asking too much... 

This tough day could also be because I have my NT scan tomorrow morning.  I had a horrible nightmare about it two nights ago and I am scared.  Scared of something being wrong.  Before every appointment I feel some form of anxiety no matter how hard I try and keep it away.

Ughh...I am done.  I hate writing posts like these.  I hate being that negative person.  But, I am having a tough day.  And I have always been very open and honest on this blog and hope that if someone else reads this, and feels the same way, they know that they are not alone.  I guess the struggle doesn't end just because you got pregnant.  It feels a little less intense, but it is still there.  And I am working on it...with a little help and encouragement from my mom...I am working on it.

Tomorrow will be a better day.