So, I ran out to the grocery store to get butter I needed for frosting for a cake I am making and of course as I am squatted down in the card aisle my IVF Coordinator called asking if I had time to talk. I was balancing some eggs, butter, and my bag, but of course I had time to talk! So I bent down in the middle of the aisle with my notebook handy (praying people didn't see my underwear as I wasn't really wearing a dress conducive to bending over haha) as she gave me the following super important info.
July 6 P and I are meeting with the nurse/midwife to go over everything (more for P's benefit)
July 13 (cd 21) I am going in for b/w to confirm I ovulated (last cycle was 35 days so I may not have ovulated by cd 21)
July 14 begin Lupron injections in the morning (hopefully)
July 26 b/w and ultrasound suppression check
July 28 Begin Gonal F and lower dose of Lupron
July 31 b/w to check estrogen levels (I am going in a little earlier than most because of my response to Gonal F in April)
I will be monitored by b/w and u/s frequently over the next week
August 8 Egg Retrieval
August 11 Transfer (also my parents 34th Wedding Anniversary!)
With all that said, I don't expect any of it to go as planned! But, it is still nice to see a tentative schedule. I am fighting that little bit of excitement building up inside me because most of me just wants to throw all of this out the window and run away as fast as I can. That's not possible though, so here I am. Hopeful, excited, nervous...holy crap, this is really happening!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
All Over the Place
I have started at least 3 posts over these last few days only to stop them, unhappy with how I was unable to organize my thoughts so this post is going to be bullets, and still pretty unorganized, but I have to work through this crap and this is the only way I know how to right now.
Throughout our struggle I have tried as best I can to keep control over my feelings and emotions. Always aware which ones are there, but always trying to keep them in check. These past few days, my emotions have been all over the place. In a matter of seconds I can go from feeling hopeful and excited to sad and angry. So, here they are, all out in the open for you...
Throughout our struggle I have tried as best I can to keep control over my feelings and emotions. Always aware which ones are there, but always trying to keep them in check. These past few days, my emotions have been all over the place. In a matter of seconds I can go from feeling hopeful and excited to sad and angry. So, here they are, all out in the open for you...
- Excitement (I would like to say this is the one I feel the most, but it's not, not even close) But, if I allow myself to get excited my thoughts go to the fact that IVF is going to be the closest we have ever been to making a baby. If I get pregnant from this I will be due in April! I will be able to start shopping for baby clothes, we can decorate a nursery. We will have a baby on the way! Oh, I cannot imagine that feeling.
- Fear-I am so nervous about so many things. I am nervous how uncomfortable I am going to feel. I am nervous what my stomach is going to look like. I am SUPER nervous about OHSS. Everyone seems to believe it is super uncommon, but the more blogs I read and research I do, it's really not that uncommon at all. There is a good chance many people wil develop at least a mild to moderate form of it. Because of the way I responded to the last round of injectons, Dr. P already told me to be prepared for it and they will do everything in their power to keep it under control. Not to mention I am tall and thin, and just under 30 (both risk factors for it) and it's not looking too good for me. But, like I told my mom, if it means I will have a baby, it will all be worth it.
- Anger-this is the feeling I try to fight/hold back the most. This is the feeling that shows its little tiny head every once in a while. Like I told my mom today, the thing that hits me the hardest at times is the unfairness of it all. I am going to try over these next few weeks to really deal with this one head on, because it is an ugly one, and it doesn't make me feel good.
- Sadness-this feeling hurts the most. It hurts when I am sad and it hurts even more when I see P sad.
- Doubt-What the heck do we do if this doesn't work? I sometimes feel like P wants to go back to the people we were before this started. And we can't, this has changed us. I feel it has changed us for the better because we are stronger as a couple, but we have changed. P believes this is going to work and while I hope with every ounce of my being it will, I can't believe it with my whole heart. Because if I have told myself over and over again it will end in a pregnancy and it doesn't, then I will be completely destroyed. I just can't allow that to happen. I need to be strong for P, because if it doesn't work, he may fall apart. And I need to be strong for us. So, I am carrying with me a little bit of doubt because I know that this does not work for everyone. And some people even decide to walk away from it.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
This is Kind of a Big Deal
I got my period Friday, after 4:00 so I couldn't count it as CD 1. So, CD 1 was officially yesterday and I am going to call on Monday to have all my meds. ordered and a tentative calendar set for everything. We already got insurance approval, so I am hoping that nothing will get in the way.
I was really down in the dumps yesterday afternoon. I had to go to my sister in laws bachelorette party and was in bed for a few hours before just watching tv unable to force myself out to get ready. I eventually did, but it was hard!
This whole IVF thing is kind of a big deal. Not just because of the shots, and the bloodwork, and ultrasounds, and everything that could go wrong, but it is kind of like you're throwing in the towel. Even though IVF is giving us hope, the hope of us conceiving on our own is just about gone, which is just so crazy for me to believe right now. I had to wake up yesterday, look at myself in the mirror, and know that my husband and I would not be making a baby the way most of my friends and family have been able to. That is a hard pill to swallow. I was a little angry too. So many people have babies so easily! We have gotten three birth announcements in the past 3 weeks, one of the couples got pregnant on the first month trying! I cannot even comprehend that. If that had happened to us, we would already have a 9 month old baby and possibly be thinking about another one.
This is so hard. I know I am ready and have been waiting what feels like forever but mentally and emotionally, this is so hard. There is so much anticipation, so many worries, I thought I would be excited, but honestly I am not...not even a little bit.
I had my first accupuncture appt. on Friday morning and I LOVED the accupuncturist, M. She was awesome. I am the type of person who decides very early on in meeting someone whether or not I like them...first impressions are everything to me I guess, and she really left one on me, had she not I probably wouldn't be going back.
The needles didn't hurt at all. They barely penetrate your skin. I will say I had a bit of a hard time laying still on the table, to the point where I lost two needles in my shirt by the time she came in to check on me (that gave her a bit of a laugh,) but by the end I was super relaxed. After it was all done I got up and went out to see her and my first comment was I felt super weightless. I literally felt like my mind was clear and a weight had been lifted off of me. That feeling lingered for a few more hours on Friday and then I got my period haha so the cramps kind of took over.
I will be going once a week because I do believe there is something to what she does. And I really like her a lot! I asked her opinion on what I could do to help get my body ready for IVF. I told her I wasn't going to go overboard, but wondered what the most important things were that I could do. The first thing she told me was to stay away from cold. Cold drinks, cold food, swimming pools. The cold constricts your uterus, and that isn't good. Luckily for me the only cold drinks I drink are OJ, which a small glass in the morning every day won't hurt me and Coke which I already gave up once in preparation for my IUI so I know I can do that. Cold food shouldn't be too hard, and anyone that knows me, knows I am that person that takes an hour to get in the pool even if it is 100 degrees out, so that shouldn't be a problem either! The other thing she highly recommended (and this was actually more aimed toward P) is going organic with meat and dairy products. I try to get organic meat as much as possible from the grocery store (making sure the animals are fed a grass-diet) but have never ventured into organic milk. Yikes! So, I was at Target today and found Horizon Reduced Fat Organic milk. I hate trying new things so I am a little nervous, but I figure I can give it a shot. I usually only have it a few times a week anyways.
Besides that, I had a busy weekend and they are going to continue to be busy until the end of July. I expect to start my Lupron, Saturday, July 14th. We will be at a wedding in Connecticut so I guess the wedding reception bathroom will have to do for my first injection! I am a little concerned because my cycles have begun to be all over the place again so I am not sure when I will ovulate this cycle. These last three months I have had a 24 day cycle, 26 day cycle, and this most recent one was 35 days. I am hoping my prolactin isn't off again, but I guess I will deal with it when the time comes.
IVF is kind of a big deal...
I was really down in the dumps yesterday afternoon. I had to go to my sister in laws bachelorette party and was in bed for a few hours before just watching tv unable to force myself out to get ready. I eventually did, but it was hard!
This whole IVF thing is kind of a big deal. Not just because of the shots, and the bloodwork, and ultrasounds, and everything that could go wrong, but it is kind of like you're throwing in the towel. Even though IVF is giving us hope, the hope of us conceiving on our own is just about gone, which is just so crazy for me to believe right now. I had to wake up yesterday, look at myself in the mirror, and know that my husband and I would not be making a baby the way most of my friends and family have been able to. That is a hard pill to swallow. I was a little angry too. So many people have babies so easily! We have gotten three birth announcements in the past 3 weeks, one of the couples got pregnant on the first month trying! I cannot even comprehend that. If that had happened to us, we would already have a 9 month old baby and possibly be thinking about another one.
This is so hard. I know I am ready and have been waiting what feels like forever but mentally and emotionally, this is so hard. There is so much anticipation, so many worries, I thought I would be excited, but honestly I am not...not even a little bit.
I had my first accupuncture appt. on Friday morning and I LOVED the accupuncturist, M. She was awesome. I am the type of person who decides very early on in meeting someone whether or not I like them...first impressions are everything to me I guess, and she really left one on me, had she not I probably wouldn't be going back.
The needles didn't hurt at all. They barely penetrate your skin. I will say I had a bit of a hard time laying still on the table, to the point where I lost two needles in my shirt by the time she came in to check on me (that gave her a bit of a laugh,) but by the end I was super relaxed. After it was all done I got up and went out to see her and my first comment was I felt super weightless. I literally felt like my mind was clear and a weight had been lifted off of me. That feeling lingered for a few more hours on Friday and then I got my period haha so the cramps kind of took over.
I will be going once a week because I do believe there is something to what she does. And I really like her a lot! I asked her opinion on what I could do to help get my body ready for IVF. I told her I wasn't going to go overboard, but wondered what the most important things were that I could do. The first thing she told me was to stay away from cold. Cold drinks, cold food, swimming pools. The cold constricts your uterus, and that isn't good. Luckily for me the only cold drinks I drink are OJ, which a small glass in the morning every day won't hurt me and Coke which I already gave up once in preparation for my IUI so I know I can do that. Cold food shouldn't be too hard, and anyone that knows me, knows I am that person that takes an hour to get in the pool even if it is 100 degrees out, so that shouldn't be a problem either! The other thing she highly recommended (and this was actually more aimed toward P) is going organic with meat and dairy products. I try to get organic meat as much as possible from the grocery store (making sure the animals are fed a grass-diet) but have never ventured into organic milk. Yikes! So, I was at Target today and found Horizon Reduced Fat Organic milk. I hate trying new things so I am a little nervous, but I figure I can give it a shot. I usually only have it a few times a week anyways.
Besides that, I had a busy weekend and they are going to continue to be busy until the end of July. I expect to start my Lupron, Saturday, July 14th. We will be at a wedding in Connecticut so I guess the wedding reception bathroom will have to do for my first injection! I am a little concerned because my cycles have begun to be all over the place again so I am not sure when I will ovulate this cycle. These last three months I have had a 24 day cycle, 26 day cycle, and this most recent one was 35 days. I am hoping my prolactin isn't off again, but I guess I will deal with it when the time comes.
IVF is kind of a big deal...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
June ICLW
Hi to anyone visiting from ICLW!
I just finished up my last day of school with my first graders. I had really been hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year but it didn't happen. In two months I will head back to work and will either be heading back pregnant and excited or not pregnant and wondering how to survive another school year and more infertility treatments.
My husband and I started dating our senior year in high school and have been together ever since. We got married in June of 2009 and have spent the last 18 months trying to get pregnant w/out any success. We will be 30 early next year and for the longest time I had wanted to have our first child before we were 30. Clearly that isn't happening and I am finally okay with it (well as okay as I can be.)
As for my history...I went on Clomid in October and November of last year but I pretty much chalk that up to a waste because I wasn't monitored and my cycles were all over the place. It wasn't until I had my first appt. with my RE Dr. P, in January that something was done about my high prolactin levels and I began taking bromocriptine every night before bed which has regulated me (kind of) and stopped the 40+ day cycles. We spent the next few months trying on our own and then I had a failed IUI in April. After getting that news I went in and met with Dr. P who decided it would be best to try IVF. We are kind of a combination of unexplained and MFI. These past two months we spent once again trying on our own with negative results. We are currently preparing for our first IVF cycle and I am awaiting my period which should hopefully come any minute now (literally haha.) We have a busy summer ahead of us with 3 weddings, a lot of parties, and summer school, but what is most important is our upcoming IVF cycle. Those three little letters are going to consume these next 6-7 weeks, mentally, physically, and emotionally!! Ahh...I hope we are ready for it!
That's about it...Thanks for reading along! Hopefully we all have good news to celebrate soon!
I just finished up my last day of school with my first graders. I had really been hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year but it didn't happen. In two months I will head back to work and will either be heading back pregnant and excited or not pregnant and wondering how to survive another school year and more infertility treatments.
My husband and I started dating our senior year in high school and have been together ever since. We got married in June of 2009 and have spent the last 18 months trying to get pregnant w/out any success. We will be 30 early next year and for the longest time I had wanted to have our first child before we were 30. Clearly that isn't happening and I am finally okay with it (well as okay as I can be.)
As for my history...I went on Clomid in October and November of last year but I pretty much chalk that up to a waste because I wasn't monitored and my cycles were all over the place. It wasn't until I had my first appt. with my RE Dr. P, in January that something was done about my high prolactin levels and I began taking bromocriptine every night before bed which has regulated me (kind of) and stopped the 40+ day cycles. We spent the next few months trying on our own and then I had a failed IUI in April. After getting that news I went in and met with Dr. P who decided it would be best to try IVF. We are kind of a combination of unexplained and MFI. These past two months we spent once again trying on our own with negative results. We are currently preparing for our first IVF cycle and I am awaiting my period which should hopefully come any minute now (literally haha.) We have a busy summer ahead of us with 3 weddings, a lot of parties, and summer school, but what is most important is our upcoming IVF cycle. Those three little letters are going to consume these next 6-7 weeks, mentally, physically, and emotionally!! Ahh...I hope we are ready for it!
That's about it...Thanks for reading along! Hopefully we all have good news to celebrate soon!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Acceptance? Maybe?
So, I haven't blogged in a while. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I don't really know what to say. I usually love to get my feelings down on "paper" but to be honest I don't really know what I am feeling!
I am 12 dpo and took a pregnancy test this morning, mainly because my temp. was still up and of course it was negative. I wasn't surprised, just really want to get this show on the road. Two months of waiting was probably a good idea but at the same time enough is enough.
I have referenced before how being thrown into fertility treatments causes you to grieve a little bit. Then I was thinking about all the different stages of grief, most of which I have felt, as I am sure many of you have also. The last of which seems to be acceptance. I feel like I am there and although it SUCKS, I am accepting it. I can't change it, but I can push forward. I am pretty sure I will never return to the person I was before all of this crap started and to be honest I am okay with that.
It is pretty obvious that after this long, making a baby is just not going to be easy for us and IVF is really all we are left with. The alternative is not having a baby, and that alternative doesn't work for us, so this is what we have to do. This is our reality. I have mentally prepared myself for the worst and am hoping for the best. Both of which I can handle (I think.)
All along the toughest thing for me to deal with has been my interactions with people (friends, family, coworkers.) I finally realize that just about anything they say to me can have the potential to make me upset, angry, sad, or jealous. So, for the most part, I have stopped wishing people would always say the right thing or try harder to understand. Most people don't mean any harm, although I have to say, I see myself as having a lot more compassion than others, but that's life. P and I have learned the most important thing we can do is lean on each other. There is no one else in our life right now that knows the depths of what we are going through and we need to be able to count on each other to pick one another up on the bad days (and boy have there been bad days) and celebrate with one another on the good. Right now we are surrounded by weddings and parties and celebrations for everyone else and while it is difficult at times I know our time is coming. Someday it will be about us and our baby, in the meantime it is our job to suck it up and be happy for everyone. We can do that. We have been doing it for months, and although it is hard at times, together, we can do it because at the end of the day we really are happy for everyone.
Ughh I am really not a fan of this post, but I don't want people to think I fell off the face of the earth, so this is the mess you are left with, sorry!
On a good note, I have continued to throw myself into different little projects. This past Saturday I painted our guest bathroom upstairs, got a new shower curtain, and hung a canvas above the toilet. I should have taken a before picture, but in typical Lindsay fashion, I had to just jump right in, no time for a before picture! I was up and out of the house by 7 Saturday morning picking up the paint at Lowe's. The wall color is caled "New Avocado," the shower curtain is from Target, and the canvas from Pier 1 (I had it for a while hanging in a different room but thought it was cute in the bathroom.) So, for less than $100 I had a brand new bathroom! We wanted something bright and fun, that could also be a cute kids bathroom someday, but not too cutesie, because who knows how long it will be before there will be a kid in that tub! Here is a picture...let me know what you think! Next project for this weekend is to hang a curtain in our upstairs hallway (currently getting the hem let out of them at the tailors.) It is a short little window that just looks akward so I got two ceiling to floor panels that I am hoping will make the wall look a little better and add a bit of "something" when you are standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up. But, I got a bold color, so I may or may not end up ripping them down by the end of the weekend! I am also hoping to start a picture wall in that same hallway. Hopefully I will have pics this weekend. Staying busy is what keeps me going!
Hope everyone is doing well, I promise I have been following along, just haven't been commenting because I have been so ehh. I will get back to it...NOW! Oh yeah, my first accupuncture appt. is Friday morning, I will definitely be posting after letting everyone know how it went!
I am 12 dpo and took a pregnancy test this morning, mainly because my temp. was still up and of course it was negative. I wasn't surprised, just really want to get this show on the road. Two months of waiting was probably a good idea but at the same time enough is enough.
I have referenced before how being thrown into fertility treatments causes you to grieve a little bit. Then I was thinking about all the different stages of grief, most of which I have felt, as I am sure many of you have also. The last of which seems to be acceptance. I feel like I am there and although it SUCKS, I am accepting it. I can't change it, but I can push forward. I am pretty sure I will never return to the person I was before all of this crap started and to be honest I am okay with that.
It is pretty obvious that after this long, making a baby is just not going to be easy for us and IVF is really all we are left with. The alternative is not having a baby, and that alternative doesn't work for us, so this is what we have to do. This is our reality. I have mentally prepared myself for the worst and am hoping for the best. Both of which I can handle (I think.)
All along the toughest thing for me to deal with has been my interactions with people (friends, family, coworkers.) I finally realize that just about anything they say to me can have the potential to make me upset, angry, sad, or jealous. So, for the most part, I have stopped wishing people would always say the right thing or try harder to understand. Most people don't mean any harm, although I have to say, I see myself as having a lot more compassion than others, but that's life. P and I have learned the most important thing we can do is lean on each other. There is no one else in our life right now that knows the depths of what we are going through and we need to be able to count on each other to pick one another up on the bad days (and boy have there been bad days) and celebrate with one another on the good. Right now we are surrounded by weddings and parties and celebrations for everyone else and while it is difficult at times I know our time is coming. Someday it will be about us and our baby, in the meantime it is our job to suck it up and be happy for everyone. We can do that. We have been doing it for months, and although it is hard at times, together, we can do it because at the end of the day we really are happy for everyone.
Ughh I am really not a fan of this post, but I don't want people to think I fell off the face of the earth, so this is the mess you are left with, sorry!
On a good note, I have continued to throw myself into different little projects. This past Saturday I painted our guest bathroom upstairs, got a new shower curtain, and hung a canvas above the toilet. I should have taken a before picture, but in typical Lindsay fashion, I had to just jump right in, no time for a before picture! I was up and out of the house by 7 Saturday morning picking up the paint at Lowe's. The wall color is caled "New Avocado," the shower curtain is from Target, and the canvas from Pier 1 (I had it for a while hanging in a different room but thought it was cute in the bathroom.) So, for less than $100 I had a brand new bathroom! We wanted something bright and fun, that could also be a cute kids bathroom someday, but not too cutesie, because who knows how long it will be before there will be a kid in that tub! Here is a picture...let me know what you think! Next project for this weekend is to hang a curtain in our upstairs hallway (currently getting the hem let out of them at the tailors.) It is a short little window that just looks akward so I got two ceiling to floor panels that I am hoping will make the wall look a little better and add a bit of "something" when you are standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up. But, I got a bold color, so I may or may not end up ripping them down by the end of the weekend! I am also hoping to start a picture wall in that same hallway. Hopefully I will have pics this weekend. Staying busy is what keeps me going!
Hope everyone is doing well, I promise I have been following along, just haven't been commenting because I have been so ehh. I will get back to it...NOW! Oh yeah, my first accupuncture appt. is Friday morning, I will definitely be posting after letting everyone know how it went!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Preparing for the Storm
Growing up in New England, the weatherman is a crucial part of our everyday life. Throughout the different seasons we can have rain, wind, hail, sun, snow, ice and just about every other type of weather in one form or another.
The weatherman is especially important when it comes to tracking snowstorms. This past winter was mild, it only snowed once or twice and never stayed long. BUT, the winter before, we were hit about five consecutive weekends in a row. Each time, the snow just piled on top of the snow from the previous week. No matter how much one prepared for it, you never could be ready, because you never knew "exactly" what the storm would bring. I would imagine that is what it feels like to go through consecutive IVFs and/or FETs. You never have time to breathe, you just have to keep shoveling and watching the piles grow bigger no matter how much time and energy you put into it, knowing if you stop now, you may never see the grass again.
This is what I was thinking about on the way to work this morning. P and I are trying to prepare for the storm. I should get my period in the next week and then my meds. will arrive and then we will wait for cd 21 to begin the Lupron. So, sometime next week, I will give up alcohol, cut out caffeine, give accupuncture a try, and make sure I continue on my daily walks with Sage. I will do everything I can, without going to the extreme, to try and make this cycle successful. Kind of like when you prepare for the snowstorm. You go out and stock up on food, movies, shovels, and salt, and hope it's not that bad. And occasionally, the weatherman goofs up, and nothing happens. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You look around thinking to yourself, I wasted all my time and energy preparing for something that was never going to happen. I can't help but think that same way with this upcoming cycle. I can do all of these "things" that people recommend give us the best chance, and end up with a negative, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am trying hard to believe that won't happen, but really, we are just taking a blind leap of faith, trusting the weatherman. Hoping his prediction is right, that we aren't doing all this for nothing.
We both had an extremely difficult night on Thursday. There was nothing either of us could say to make the other feel better. It's hitting us, both of us, the magnitude of what we are about to jump head first into. People that have never been through this (including myself just a few years ago) threw around IVF like it was just another way to make a baby. Everyone always knows someone who knows someone else that went through IVF and had a baby, yay, it must be easy! What people don't know is the time you have to put in before you can even get to the point of IVF, the number of failed cycles, failed procedures, terrifying tests. They don't know the endless amounts of drugs you put into your body without giving it a second thought, the agonizing number of years it can take, the number of losses, the amount of pain endured in the process.
As the weekend was upon us we were better and then Sunday we got to spend time with my wonderful brother-in-law and sister-in-law and our two beautiful nieces. They are so adorable and so much fun. When I am with them I don't think about the fact that we don't have children. I don't think about the fact that we will make such wonderful parents. I am just filled with love for them. But, then we got in the car and I felt like we were hit with a wave of sadness. As the little ones looked out the window and waved good-bye with the words "I'll miss you," I almost couldn't breathe. P must have been feeling the same way because neither one of us said anything the whole ride home. There was this heaviness in the air. We have so much love to give and only Sage to give it to.
After starting this post and reading and then re-reading it, I realized I was missing something, something that I will have to remind myself to think about when the time comes. Often times in the middle of a snowstorm P and I will sit on the couch together and watch the snow fall. It is so beautiful that we typically don't say anything, just sit together in silence, wrapped up in a blanket, in awe of what surrounds us. It is absolutely one of my favorite moments each year. I hope that when we are wrapped up in our own storm I can remember to stop for a moment and remind myself of the beauty that may reveal itself as the storm subsides. After all, the snow doesn't last forever, eventually it melts away, and the green grass reappears...
The weatherman is especially important when it comes to tracking snowstorms. This past winter was mild, it only snowed once or twice and never stayed long. BUT, the winter before, we were hit about five consecutive weekends in a row. Each time, the snow just piled on top of the snow from the previous week. No matter how much one prepared for it, you never could be ready, because you never knew "exactly" what the storm would bring. I would imagine that is what it feels like to go through consecutive IVFs and/or FETs. You never have time to breathe, you just have to keep shoveling and watching the piles grow bigger no matter how much time and energy you put into it, knowing if you stop now, you may never see the grass again.
This is what I was thinking about on the way to work this morning. P and I are trying to prepare for the storm. I should get my period in the next week and then my meds. will arrive and then we will wait for cd 21 to begin the Lupron. So, sometime next week, I will give up alcohol, cut out caffeine, give accupuncture a try, and make sure I continue on my daily walks with Sage. I will do everything I can, without going to the extreme, to try and make this cycle successful. Kind of like when you prepare for the snowstorm. You go out and stock up on food, movies, shovels, and salt, and hope it's not that bad. And occasionally, the weatherman goofs up, and nothing happens. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You look around thinking to yourself, I wasted all my time and energy preparing for something that was never going to happen. I can't help but think that same way with this upcoming cycle. I can do all of these "things" that people recommend give us the best chance, and end up with a negative, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am trying hard to believe that won't happen, but really, we are just taking a blind leap of faith, trusting the weatherman. Hoping his prediction is right, that we aren't doing all this for nothing.
We both had an extremely difficult night on Thursday. There was nothing either of us could say to make the other feel better. It's hitting us, both of us, the magnitude of what we are about to jump head first into. People that have never been through this (including myself just a few years ago) threw around IVF like it was just another way to make a baby. Everyone always knows someone who knows someone else that went through IVF and had a baby, yay, it must be easy! What people don't know is the time you have to put in before you can even get to the point of IVF, the number of failed cycles, failed procedures, terrifying tests. They don't know the endless amounts of drugs you put into your body without giving it a second thought, the agonizing number of years it can take, the number of losses, the amount of pain endured in the process.
As the weekend was upon us we were better and then Sunday we got to spend time with my wonderful brother-in-law and sister-in-law and our two beautiful nieces. They are so adorable and so much fun. When I am with them I don't think about the fact that we don't have children. I don't think about the fact that we will make such wonderful parents. I am just filled with love for them. But, then we got in the car and I felt like we were hit with a wave of sadness. As the little ones looked out the window and waved good-bye with the words "I'll miss you," I almost couldn't breathe. P must have been feeling the same way because neither one of us said anything the whole ride home. There was this heaviness in the air. We have so much love to give and only Sage to give it to.
After starting this post and reading and then re-reading it, I realized I was missing something, something that I will have to remind myself to think about when the time comes. Often times in the middle of a snowstorm P and I will sit on the couch together and watch the snow fall. It is so beautiful that we typically don't say anything, just sit together in silence, wrapped up in a blanket, in awe of what surrounds us. It is absolutely one of my favorite moments each year. I hope that when we are wrapped up in our own storm I can remember to stop for a moment and remind myself of the beauty that may reveal itself as the storm subsides. After all, the snow doesn't last forever, eventually it melts away, and the green grass reappears...
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Naive No More
It's funny the way your mind obsesses over things. You do your best to tell it to stop, distract yourself, but it just doesn't work sometimes. And sometimes the more you try not to think about it, the worse it becomes...
One of the worst things about going through this is not knowing when it will end. If it will end. Mommy Someday wrote a post about this recently. Tell me when it will end and I will be better at handling all this crap, but there is no way of knowing. This could end in August, maybe by Christmas, hopefully by the end of next school year. But, maybe it won't. Maybe it will end in my husband and I walking away from fertility treatments. I can't imagine getting to that point, but I also can't imagine living through another 18 months of this and being okay.
I have been trying to put into words what this experience is like. How it feels to deal with this on a regular basis. It is such a roller coaster of emotions day after day. CD 1 always brings new hope for me, waiting to ovulate is torture because my cycles are all over the place, the 2ww has become less of an event because my hopes for a positive have diminished, and yet there is no way to describe that first time you wipe and see blood realizing it didn't work AGAIN, the absolute despair. IF is a daily struggle. Somedays I feel as though I am just sitting here watching the second hand go around and around, time doesn't seem to move as fast or as slow as I want it to...EVER.
I have looked really tired lately and people have been noticing, it's not that I can't sleep or don't sleep, I am just drained. This is draining. Sure, it helps to keep busy, have things to look forward to, but in reality keeping busy is just an attempt to occupy my mind for a few hours. An attempt to escape this ugly thing looming over my head morning, noon, and night.
I am not the same person I was 18 months ago. It makes me sad because some of my relationships have suffered because of this. I can't be angry at people for having babies, for wanting to talk about their pregnancies, that isn't fair to them. Yes, I can hope they show some compassion and sensitivity, but for most of them it is their first pregnancy ever. I can only imagine the excitement they must feel which means they have absolutely no way of knowing how I feel. I can't put myself in their shoes and they certainly can't put themselves in mine. With their excitement comes my feelings of loss, anger, and I guess a little bit of envy. I don't want to reach out to them. I still do from time to time, but I am very shut off. When you have a baby your whole world revolves around that little one. Every story shared, every picture taken, every shopping trip revolves around the baby. And while it must be the most wonderful feeling in the world, it is those things that make it very hard to talk to my friends now because they are consumed with the one thing I am unable to have at the moment. As happy as I am for them, it hurts to hear their stories and see their pictures. The hurt is deep, it exists in a place I don't really think I have felt pain before. So, I am learning it is okay to be selfish. It is okay to put myself first, because right now I don't have stories to share or pictures to show.
Then I think about what will happen if/when I become pregnant. Will they not want to hear from me because I was so absent in their journey? Will they understand? Will they be able to support me when I was so unable to be there for them? Is it wrong for me to think I should have a "get out of jail free" card? I don't know how this journey will end, I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what these next few months/years have in store for us. But, I don't, and the only thing I can do right now is take care of myself. Because right now, being me is not that easy. And somedays, just putting on a happy face, is all I can do. Anything more is asking too much.
Becoming a part of this blogging community has been like opening up the doors to a world I never knew existed. A world most of my friends and family will never know exists. And as thankful as I am for finding it, there are times when I wish I never had to open that door. That I too could stay naive forever. I have read so many stories of heartache and loss that it has darkened my view of pregnancy. Before trying to get pregnant, I thought miscarriage was something that happened to very few. I had thought you have sex, get pregnant, have a baby, repeat. And for many that is the case. I guess I was naive about miscarriage in the same way I was to infertility. But, after being part of this community for a while now I realize that not only does miscarriage happen to MORE than a select few, but the chance of it increases when you get pregnant through IVF. So, I am afraid. I am afraid I will never get pregnant. I am afraid that if/when I get pregnant I will not be able to enjoy it because I know what "could" happen. I am afraid I will have a miscarriage. I am afraid of everything about this whole process. I have read your stories, I have commented on your posts, I have "seen" first hand the effects a failed IVF cycle can have on you. How can you posibbly prepare yourself for what lies ahead?
But, I have also seen the uplifting effects being a part of this community. When no one else understands, I blog, when I feel overwhelmed with sadness, I blog, when I have questions, answers, and stupid stories, I blog. And blogging makes me feel better. So, if I have to be a part of this world of infertility, I am so glad I can do it with all of you. Blogging is no longer something I do for fun, it is something I do to survive. Something that makes me feel like I am not alone. Something that makes me feel like no matter what happens, I will be okay.
One of the worst things about going through this is not knowing when it will end. If it will end. Mommy Someday wrote a post about this recently. Tell me when it will end and I will be better at handling all this crap, but there is no way of knowing. This could end in August, maybe by Christmas, hopefully by the end of next school year. But, maybe it won't. Maybe it will end in my husband and I walking away from fertility treatments. I can't imagine getting to that point, but I also can't imagine living through another 18 months of this and being okay.
I have been trying to put into words what this experience is like. How it feels to deal with this on a regular basis. It is such a roller coaster of emotions day after day. CD 1 always brings new hope for me, waiting to ovulate is torture because my cycles are all over the place, the 2ww has become less of an event because my hopes for a positive have diminished, and yet there is no way to describe that first time you wipe and see blood realizing it didn't work AGAIN, the absolute despair. IF is a daily struggle. Somedays I feel as though I am just sitting here watching the second hand go around and around, time doesn't seem to move as fast or as slow as I want it to...EVER.
I have looked really tired lately and people have been noticing, it's not that I can't sleep or don't sleep, I am just drained. This is draining. Sure, it helps to keep busy, have things to look forward to, but in reality keeping busy is just an attempt to occupy my mind for a few hours. An attempt to escape this ugly thing looming over my head morning, noon, and night.
I am not the same person I was 18 months ago. It makes me sad because some of my relationships have suffered because of this. I can't be angry at people for having babies, for wanting to talk about their pregnancies, that isn't fair to them. Yes, I can hope they show some compassion and sensitivity, but for most of them it is their first pregnancy ever. I can only imagine the excitement they must feel which means they have absolutely no way of knowing how I feel. I can't put myself in their shoes and they certainly can't put themselves in mine. With their excitement comes my feelings of loss, anger, and I guess a little bit of envy. I don't want to reach out to them. I still do from time to time, but I am very shut off. When you have a baby your whole world revolves around that little one. Every story shared, every picture taken, every shopping trip revolves around the baby. And while it must be the most wonderful feeling in the world, it is those things that make it very hard to talk to my friends now because they are consumed with the one thing I am unable to have at the moment. As happy as I am for them, it hurts to hear their stories and see their pictures. The hurt is deep, it exists in a place I don't really think I have felt pain before. So, I am learning it is okay to be selfish. It is okay to put myself first, because right now I don't have stories to share or pictures to show.
Then I think about what will happen if/when I become pregnant. Will they not want to hear from me because I was so absent in their journey? Will they understand? Will they be able to support me when I was so unable to be there for them? Is it wrong for me to think I should have a "get out of jail free" card? I don't know how this journey will end, I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what these next few months/years have in store for us. But, I don't, and the only thing I can do right now is take care of myself. Because right now, being me is not that easy. And somedays, just putting on a happy face, is all I can do. Anything more is asking too much.
Becoming a part of this blogging community has been like opening up the doors to a world I never knew existed. A world most of my friends and family will never know exists. And as thankful as I am for finding it, there are times when I wish I never had to open that door. That I too could stay naive forever. I have read so many stories of heartache and loss that it has darkened my view of pregnancy. Before trying to get pregnant, I thought miscarriage was something that happened to very few. I had thought you have sex, get pregnant, have a baby, repeat. And for many that is the case. I guess I was naive about miscarriage in the same way I was to infertility. But, after being part of this community for a while now I realize that not only does miscarriage happen to MORE than a select few, but the chance of it increases when you get pregnant through IVF. So, I am afraid. I am afraid I will never get pregnant. I am afraid that if/when I get pregnant I will not be able to enjoy it because I know what "could" happen. I am afraid I will have a miscarriage. I am afraid of everything about this whole process. I have read your stories, I have commented on your posts, I have "seen" first hand the effects a failed IVF cycle can have on you. How can you posibbly prepare yourself for what lies ahead?
But, I have also seen the uplifting effects being a part of this community. When no one else understands, I blog, when I feel overwhelmed with sadness, I blog, when I have questions, answers, and stupid stories, I blog. And blogging makes me feel better. So, if I have to be a part of this world of infertility, I am so glad I can do it with all of you. Blogging is no longer something I do for fun, it is something I do to survive. Something that makes me feel like I am not alone. Something that makes me feel like no matter what happens, I will be okay.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Pushing Through
Ughh, I am trying to push through this awful rut I am in, but it is so hard!
So, I took a step in the right direction today (I think.)
Thanks to my friend A (who I met through blogging) I got the name of an accupuncturist in my area, that A's recommended. I called her today just to get some information. I am not a HUGE fan of needles (but really, is anyone??) I can deal with one in my stomach that I have full control over haha but I am not sure about multiple needles all over my body.
Dr. D (accupuncturist) was obviously very confident in her abilities and very passionate about her work, which has me a little interested. I have to call insurance and see if I have what is called a RYDER that would cover accupuncture, if not, it is out of pocket. Either way, I will probably move forward with it.
The biggest thing she said she could do is strenghten and tone my uterus. She believes it would really help to come in for a few sessions right before and after retrieval. Your blood, energy, and emotions are all tied into each other, they cannot work independent of one another, they have to work together. In the few minutes I talked to her she seemed to want to stress to me that the western way of seeing health and medicine is completely different from the eastern way, I was aware of that, but not really the extent to which it differs, so that kind of interests me too. But, to be honest, I am a little afraid she is going to find something else that is out of whack with me. I wonder if she will pick up on old sports injuries?? I really have no idea what to expect!
When I asked her about the first appt. she said she is very thorough and I should be prepared for 90 minutes. About 60 minutes of talking, getting some history, and 20-25 minutes of needles. YIKES! She also said that she will take my pulse and look at my tongue. That kind of freaks me out. What does she want to see my tongue for?? Oh, once again, I have so much to learn!
I am still not sure I believe in this stuff. But, I am willing to give it a try. If nothing else, maybe it will help me "feel" better. She put a packet in the mail to me, I should have it in the next few days and then I will probably call and schedule an appt. Can't be any worse than anything else I have been through, right? If this doesn't work, I will probably take the advice of sass, and go for a few massages over the next few weeks.
In the world of cycling I am on cd 16 and still waiting for ovulation. Started temping this cycle again to avoid what happened last cycle and hoping for a spike in the next day or two. Waiting to ovulate is torture! Waiting, waiting, waiting...
So, I took a step in the right direction today (I think.)
Thanks to my friend A (who I met through blogging) I got the name of an accupuncturist in my area, that A's recommended. I called her today just to get some information. I am not a HUGE fan of needles (but really, is anyone??) I can deal with one in my stomach that I have full control over haha but I am not sure about multiple needles all over my body.
Dr. D (accupuncturist) was obviously very confident in her abilities and very passionate about her work, which has me a little interested. I have to call insurance and see if I have what is called a RYDER that would cover accupuncture, if not, it is out of pocket. Either way, I will probably move forward with it.
The biggest thing she said she could do is strenghten and tone my uterus. She believes it would really help to come in for a few sessions right before and after retrieval. Your blood, energy, and emotions are all tied into each other, they cannot work independent of one another, they have to work together. In the few minutes I talked to her she seemed to want to stress to me that the western way of seeing health and medicine is completely different from the eastern way, I was aware of that, but not really the extent to which it differs, so that kind of interests me too. But, to be honest, I am a little afraid she is going to find something else that is out of whack with me. I wonder if she will pick up on old sports injuries?? I really have no idea what to expect!
When I asked her about the first appt. she said she is very thorough and I should be prepared for 90 minutes. About 60 minutes of talking, getting some history, and 20-25 minutes of needles. YIKES! She also said that she will take my pulse and look at my tongue. That kind of freaks me out. What does she want to see my tongue for?? Oh, once again, I have so much to learn!
I am still not sure I believe in this stuff. But, I am willing to give it a try. If nothing else, maybe it will help me "feel" better. She put a packet in the mail to me, I should have it in the next few days and then I will probably call and schedule an appt. Can't be any worse than anything else I have been through, right? If this doesn't work, I will probably take the advice of sass, and go for a few massages over the next few weeks.
In the world of cycling I am on cd 16 and still waiting for ovulation. Started temping this cycle again to avoid what happened last cycle and hoping for a spike in the next day or two. Waiting to ovulate is torture! Waiting, waiting, waiting...
Sunday, June 3, 2012
On Hold
My hopes for children, my happiness, my life. They are all on hold.
I am struggling right now. I am in a tough spot. I know that and yet I can't do anything about it. I am trying to pull myself out of this hole that I feel is getting deeper, I had been doing so well, and now I fear I am on the losing side of this battle.
Being a teacher I probably get asked this question at least a few times a day this time of year: How many more days until school gets out, you must be so excited??
It is exhausting pretending to be okay.
What I want to tell people is I can't tell you how many days until summer, but I can tell you how many days until my first Lupron shot.
I started crying to P last night, I know, it seems to be a common theme over these past few days. I have never had a "favorite" class. At the end of each year I get sad and upset over the thought of getting a new group next year, that I don't know and who don't know me and spending the first few months training them, getting them used to my routines. But, saying good-bye to this group is going to be extremely difficult to me. They are too young to understand what they mean to me and what they have done for me this year. I wish there was some way I could tell them that, maybe someday when they are older and come to visit, but not now.
This group of students has been with me through all the tests, procedures, medications, and month after month of failed pregnancy tests. And each morning, it was them, that got me through everything. Yes, I have a supportive husband and we both have wonderful families, but it has been my students, and their undeniable need for me, the pure love they have for me, that has given me the strength to get through this year. There is nothing like walking into a classroom after you have missed a day of work and seeing the look of joy on your students faces when they realize you are back. I can't help but see them leaving me in a few weeks as a representation of the time that has gone by and the things that I have gone through, and the fact that I am still not pregnant. It should have been this class that found out I was pregnant. It deserved to be this class, they are the ones I wanted to share the good news with. But it's not, and there is no good news to share, and it is really hitting me hard.
Today was my future sister-in-laws shower. It was a nice time. Good to see friends and family I hadn't seen in a while. But, I am tired. This is tiring. I want my old life back, but I feel like it's gone. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I never knew it would be this hard to have a baby.
I am struggling right now. I am in a tough spot. I know that and yet I can't do anything about it. I am trying to pull myself out of this hole that I feel is getting deeper, I had been doing so well, and now I fear I am on the losing side of this battle.
Being a teacher I probably get asked this question at least a few times a day this time of year: How many more days until school gets out, you must be so excited??
It is exhausting pretending to be okay.
What I want to tell people is I can't tell you how many days until summer, but I can tell you how many days until my first Lupron shot.
I started crying to P last night, I know, it seems to be a common theme over these past few days. I have never had a "favorite" class. At the end of each year I get sad and upset over the thought of getting a new group next year, that I don't know and who don't know me and spending the first few months training them, getting them used to my routines. But, saying good-bye to this group is going to be extremely difficult to me. They are too young to understand what they mean to me and what they have done for me this year. I wish there was some way I could tell them that, maybe someday when they are older and come to visit, but not now.
This group of students has been with me through all the tests, procedures, medications, and month after month of failed pregnancy tests. And each morning, it was them, that got me through everything. Yes, I have a supportive husband and we both have wonderful families, but it has been my students, and their undeniable need for me, the pure love they have for me, that has given me the strength to get through this year. There is nothing like walking into a classroom after you have missed a day of work and seeing the look of joy on your students faces when they realize you are back. I can't help but see them leaving me in a few weeks as a representation of the time that has gone by and the things that I have gone through, and the fact that I am still not pregnant. It should have been this class that found out I was pregnant. It deserved to be this class, they are the ones I wanted to share the good news with. But it's not, and there is no good news to share, and it is really hitting me hard.
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