The Waiting Game

I guess I shouldn't expect things to go smoothly with this process.  Does it ever?

My e2 levels came back at 279 on Sunday morning, my jaw almost hit the floor.  At this point in my last IVF my levels surpassed 1000 and I was within days of the trigger shot.  I believe my doctor slowed me down too quick, and now we are struggling to get me started again.  However, I have 100% trust in him and truly believe he is putting my health above everything else, so with that said I don't think I have a right to be angry or frustrated that this happened.

When I got the phone call yesterday from the nurse I was pretty devastated and I immediately thought the cycle would be cancelled.  Here I was on day 7 on stims and my e2 had pretty much plateaued for the last 4 days.  I debated whether or not to text him.  I really hate to be that person.  But, I also remembered a meeting I had with him before starting this process and how much he applauded me for advocating for myself.  So, I figured what the heck and texted him around 1pm.  I heard back from him (on a Sunday) within minutes telling me he needed to get to the computer and then he would get back to me.  Within an hour he did.  Doctors...they are pretty amazing if you can find the right one.

I told him how upset I was that nothing was happening and that we were continuing to pump my body with drugs.  He reminded me that during our last conversation he asked me if I was in it for the long haul.  Turns out that long haul could be another 7-10 days on the meds depending on how my body responds.  He was adamant that he was not at all concerned about my cycle getting cancelled because of low response, and that he was and continued to be extremely concerned that I was going to overstimulate.  "Walking a fine line" were the exact words he used.

So, last night I went up to 112.5.  I would be lying if I told you I wasn't terrified.  To many that is a low dose, but to my ovaries, thats a pretty intense push.

I am all over the place emotionally.  Not a second goes by throughout the day that I am not thinking about this.  I ran out of meds for today and called the pharmacy yesterday, they assured me I would have them today.  It is now 7:37, seven minutes after the time I am supposed to take another 112.5 dose of Gonal-f and there has still been no delivery.  It's really hard not to get angry throughout this process. There are so many ups and downs.  I took Friday off because I was fried, between the meds, the appts. and the side effects I was feeling pretty defeated.  People assume I or Harper were sick and thats why I took the day.  It's easier to let them assume that.  On the outside, to most of the people in my life, I am fine.  Nothing is wrong.  That's what sucks about all of this.  You can't see it.  And unless you have been through it there is just no way to understand.

Before I got off the phone with my doctor yesterday he told me to hang in there.  That's what I am doing.  Hanging in there.  I have another u/s and b/w tomorrow before work.  Then acupuncture after work, another long day.  Crossing my fingers the news is better tomorrow because it is getting really hard to pretend everything is okay all the time.  I keep telling myself this is going to be worth it.  I have H.  There aren't enough words for how worth it she is and that is why I am putting myself through this again.  Just wish it didn't have to be so damn hard...and what happens if it doesn't work?