I had been doing okay this week, until last night. My sleep has been great lately. I have been so overtired that I have been passed out by 9 (sometimes 8) and able to sleep through most of the night until my alarm goes off at 5:50. Last night I tossed and turned until 10 and here is it 5 am and I cannot sleep. So, I am blogging to the only people that I know will understand. My nerves are overwhelming. I am choosing to believe that we will get good news at the ultrasound but I am also so very prepared to hear bad news. Like my mom told me yesterday, I will most likely cry on the table, either way. I hope with all my might that I will have an ultrasound picture to show everyone soon.
I was watching E News! last night and they showed Guliana and Bill Rancic with their baby whom they struggled to have through IVF and breast cancer, and then finally were able to get pregnant through the use of a gestational carrier. Through tears I said to P, "I want a baby." He didn't respond. What is he supposed to say? This is such a weird place to be.
I have sucked at commenting lately, really sucked, and I apologize. My words don't seem enough for some of the losses that this community has endured lately. Some of you are still waiting for your first positive while others are trying to somehow pick up the pieces and I am so very sorry and think about all of you every day. Thank you for being my support group even when you may find it so very hard to do so.
And on a completely different note, can we talk about the Crinone?? I have been on it for over 5 weeks now and the amount of stuff that is falling out on a regular basis is GROSS. Literally, it is like huge chunks of cottage cheese. It has not turned black or gray, which I was told could happen, but it is so gross. I know some people start digging around up there to clean it out and although I have been tempted, I am hoping since my ultrasound appt. is right around the corner Dr. P can get that done for me! Ughhh...sorry to leave you with such a TMI ending, but my underwear wouldn't let me finish this post without posting that complaint and I am pretty sure my husband doesn't want to hear about it anymore haha!
Ha, that underwear comment gave me a good laugh! I understand your worry completely. I hope your ultrasound brings you relief. Can't wait for pics!
ReplyDeleteI second what K said. That underwear comment had me laughing so hard. I hear you on the Crinone. Ewwwww. It made me never want to eat cottage cheese again. Ever!
ReplyDeleteOh my god! I'm dying at that last comment! I was actually thinking about you yesterday and hoping that you were ok. Hugs....
ReplyDeleteYucky Crinone! I'm on PIO injections, but I have two golf ball sized lumps under my skin. They all come with their side effects!
ReplyDeleteWhat day is your scheduled ultrasound?
Ugh I was on Endometrin! that stuff is horrible. The thong panty liners are wonderful. I finally got off my endometrin at 12 weeks (dr. said 10 but, well, I kept going :) ).
ReplyDeleteThanks for your congratulations. I'm officially blog stalking you today to see your results. I teared up reading this post because I KNOW so well what all those emotions feel like. Even now, at yesterday's ultrasound, I still have those emotions. You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers!
I can't even imagine the ball of nerves you are waiting for this u/s. I'm hoping and praying everything goes well. Will be stalking for that beautiful picture! XOXO
ReplyDeleteHang in there! When is your u/s? I am praying that the tears that your mom said you will more than likely have because I had them too are tears of joy from hearing the heartbeat because that is the most amazing thing to hear in the entire world and it never gets old. Oh the things our husbands have to hear and deal with, makes me laugh!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I know this time is scary, but I'm hoping for nothing less than a fantastic first ultrasound.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the Crinone: I was instructed to remove it daily before replacing with a new application. Something to ask your RE. And yes, that stuff is gross.
I'll be thinking good thoughts!!
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be nervous. It's so true after we get a positive it so much more stressful. I wish the best at your ultrasound and hope that you have a fluttering little bean in there!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, I know. Crinone is gross. So gross. Hang in there. I hope your ultrasound leads to a giant smile, and I don't think it matters if you cry or not :)
ReplyDeleteOh, the glamorous life of an infertile! Can't wait to hear/ see of your ultrasound!
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