I haven't blogged in a while. After getting my third beta back P and I were on cloud 9 for about 24 hours and then it hit us that we are not even close to being out of the woods yet. We haven't told anyone aside from immediate family (and of course my blog friends) that we are expecting and it makes us very uncomfortable. We are not ready to be congratulated yet. It feels too soon. It's almost as though we need people to hug us and say, "We can't believe how much you guys have just been through, we so hope this works for you." We aren't ready to celebrate. To be honest, I don't know when I will be. Unlike so many of the blogs that I follow I typically don't mind attention haha. I don't shy away from it. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life and I would go through it over and over again if I had the chance. I thought I would be the same way with pregnancy. I thought I would want to jump right back on to facebook and shout it from the rooftops, but I want nothing to do with it. I put that stupid pregnancy ticker up in a moment of excitement and now I want to take it down. Maybe it is because it's so early. Maybe it is because we didn't get pregnant the way so many of our friends and family were able to and that has taken away the overwhelming joy. Maybe it is because I feel the deep need to protect my husband and me. Maybe it is because we have just been through so much and need time...we just need time
Over these past few weeks I have read so many posts of devastating losses anywhere between 6 and 10 weeks. Some people never saw the heartbeat, some saw it two times, only to have it not there when they went for their third look. I came home from work a few days ago awaiting Sometimes post about her ultrasound. When I hadn't seen a post from her early on I got nervous and was then absolutely devastated to read that there was no longer a heartbeat. I sat on the couch and cried for about a half hour. The tears had nothing to do with me. Every single one of them was for the pain she was going through. Life is so unfair. All of this crap is so unfair.
I am almost 7 weeks. We still have not had our first ultrasound which I think is a lot of the reason why we are having such a hard time. And, aside from pure exhaustion (which could 100% be attributed to starting work this week with 23 6-year olds) I don't feel pregnant at all. My boobs went from being pretty tender to feeling pretty much normal. I have had maybe 2 bouts of queasiness that didn't last more than 5 minutes apiece. And I am scared to death. Because I started school last week we weren't able to schedule an ultrasound. We have one coming soon and I said to P last night, I have no idea how I am going to get myself up on the table without bursting into tears. Every night I go to bed praying there is still something growing inside of me and every morning I wake up wishing and hoping for some type of sign that there is.
I think about the future a lot. I think about that one frozen embryo we have left and whether or not that will be child #2 or if we will have to go through the whole IVF process again when we decide to have another.
P and I have been very withdrawn from our friends over the last month or so. Some of my girl friends have called and texted wanting to know what is going on. Coworkers are concerned. They know we just went through IVF, but I am not ready to share. I am not ready for their happiness, when we are still searching for it ourselves. I am not ready to explain why we are still so nervous and not have people understand why.
I am even withdrawn at work. This if the first time in 7 years I have not agreed to be on the Leadership Team. I have no desire to be. The bar was set very high for me by my old principal, a long time ago, and every year I have lived up to those expectations, but I am afraid this year I won't. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. Anyone that teaches knows the expectations placed on both the teacher and student, even at such a young age as 5 or 6, are ridiculous. There is no bonus waiting for you if you bust your ass all year. There is no extra credit for taking on the most difficult students. Maybe I am just burnt out. Other teachers told me it was going to happen to me and maybe after the summer I just had, I didn't have enough time to myself. And now, my heart just isn't into it. I am sure I will pull myself out of this rut, I already love my students, it just feels different this year. Everything feels different. My relationships, my passion for life and teaching, everything seems like it is on hold, while I try to give myself a chance to breathe.
Lindsay, I wish I was there to give you a hug. This period is a difficult one. So much uncertainty after so much struggle and anxiety. I think what you're feeling is normal. It's normal for anyone who knows too much about what can go wrong.
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit the nail on the head: you're emotionally exhausted. You've given so much of yourself this summer and are in need of a break. And you know what, that's okay. We all need moments where we're not pushing. And considering that there is still a LOT going on, I think taking a step back from other things is appropriate. I guarantee that if everyone in your life knew what was happening not only logically but also emotionally, they'd be the first to tell you and P to do what you need to do and to offer you nothing but love and support.
So breathe. And know that there are so many (myself included) who are pulling for you and hoping for nothing but that you will be holding your baby in 9 months.
Love and light, my friend.
Lindsay I get all of this!! Last year as we were going through all our fertility treatments school was no longer my first priority. And this year I feel the same way. It's hard because I said I could never become one of those teachers who doesn't put their all into their job or who isn't happy at school. Circumstances happen and this is more important right now and that is okay! I remind myself often that this is a temporary time in our life (even if that temporary is sadly becoming almost two years) it still will be a short phase when we look back on it. And the people that love you and know you understand and the others that don't - it's okay that they don't. I'm sure you are feel so nervous and it is scary time. But you also don't want to take away from the fact that you are pregnant and don't want to let your worries get in the way of this special time. I hope you can find lots of comfort in each other and your family and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you lots!
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog now for sometime. I'm about the same as you, 7w4d. I didn't feel pregnant either until the other day when I went between hunger and nausea... I was scared to death for our ultrasound this past thursday. I wouldn't look, but then there it was..this little heartbeat going about 150bpm and was absolutely amazing. That's when it will hit you!! We have been cautious also about telling people. We still feel the need to protect ourselves just in case. But you will slowly tell the people closest to you, and they will be sooo excited for you! I hope we get to continue our journey together..I know we will:)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Praying that you feel relief when you see that ultrasound. It is so much easier to be worried about the worst than celebrate the good. Infertility does that to us. Will be sending you lots of prayers and positive vibes!!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you SO much for your thoughts. And your tears, although I hope you shed no more for me. I am doing ok and will be ok.
ReplyDeleteSecond of all, I barely felt pregnant those first few weeks when things were great. My true pregnancy feelings came on right as the fetus was dying, it turns out. My hcg levels got high enough right around 8w to start to "feel" pregnant. So that you don't feel pregnant right now is not a bad sign. In fact, it is rather normal.
Feeling excited about pregnancy after all we have been through is obviously going to be tough.
It's totally normal to be feeling this way. I think the first ultrasound will help a little, but then it won't really feel possible until the second trimester. Even now for me (21 weeks), I still feel like it's strange that I'm actually having a baby and that it's real and will happen. I still feel like something might mess it up.
ReplyDeleteGo day by day and try to be happy that you are pregnant that day. Every day and week you are pregnant, the odds go up.
And symptoms come and go...
I just wanted to stop by and say that everything you're feeling is so normal. Just don't beat yourself up about it. You've been through so much in a few months that most people never have to go through in their lives. I agree with everyone above--you're just emotionally exhausted. And teaching is such an emotional job...I'm not surprised you feel you have nothing else to give. This is how I felt all last year. I felt like I was going through the motions each day without any feeling in it.
ReplyDeleteI was petrified to announce my pregnancy. I didn't even let myself believe it was real until, well, about 12 weeks. And, like Mrs. GG above, some days I still feel like it's going to go away. I have an ultrasound Wed. and all I want to do is see the heartbeat and make sure baby is ok.
The only thing that got me through the first few months was the mantra, "Today, I am pregnant." I wanted to at least love my baby for however many days I had it. I am praying that your ultrasound goes well. I know that it won't bring you total peace, but it will help a little.
I also really didn't feel very pregnant often. Few symptoms, my boobs stopped hurting.
Just be good to yourself. I always had a bit of panic when I was pregnant. I think when you go thru all of this you kinda lose that sense of innocence. You know that no matter how bad you want it; it might be a struggle to obtain. Your feelings are perfectly normal. {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear from you again, but totally understand the need to take a little time. I have never been in your situation, but I see it as my future. I know just what you mean by feeling like you need to protect yourself and the Hubby. Hoping the best for you!
ReplyDeleteIt will come. It seems to take us IVFers a lot longer to accept than one pee stuck with two lines. You are PREGNANT! and it will stick. I hope your ultrasound makes you feel a little better. I honestly think I was about 16 weeks before I felt like I believed it - and it wasn't until the baby moved at 18 that I truly believed it every day. I'm sorry you have pulled away too....I think we all do that too, just a coping mechanism. They will be there when you come around. Good luck! Xo
ReplyDeletePregnancy-after-infertility is a very different thing than pregnancy for the 'normal' crowd. I actually have had friends and even some family ask why I'm not more excited or express concern that I might be depressed. The thing is, you just don't get to experience pregnancy the same way that others do who haven't had to jump through hoops and everything else you've been through to get to this point. What you are thinking and feeling is totally normal, and you have every right to take it slowly and allow yourself time to adjust.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps any, it wasn't until 9 or 10 weeks that I started to 'feel' pregnant and even then, it wasn't every day. But it does get better, and with each ultrasound the worry does diminish and you will start to believe it more and more. Take your time, you've just been on the roller coaster of your life thus far! Just take it a day at a time.
I just sent you an email! Please read! =)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. I have felt very disconnected from the whole pregnancy, with moments of excitement and "maybe this will really happen." I think it's totally normal when you have to go through all that infertility brings. I have wanted to stay away from most friends as well - I'm afraid to tell them just to let me them down again. I have said "I just can't talk about it now" or things along those lines when I have been forced to see people. It's hard. I think ultrasounds help, but it doesn't take that fear away - instead I just fear we'll get bad news at the next ultrasound! I hope that you have a great appointment and don't feel bad at all!
ReplyDeleteI know all these feelings. I am still barely feeling some confidence and I am almost to 24 weeks. That feeling of happiness and excitment will come when it's time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and just relax into it. There is no immediate timeline to tell anyone or reason to explain your current mindset. Just take care of yourself and take the time you need to adjust to this new reality. You worked hard for this pregnancy and although we all know things can go terribly wrong, they can also go perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI had no symptoms besides thirst for the whole first trimester by the way. No sore boobs, no nausea, no nothing. And my baby is doing very well...so you may just have a relatively easy time right now.
Waiting on that first ultrasound is very hard. But it will come soon and you will see your embie. I will have faith for you.
MissC
I can relate to everything you said in your post. I could have even written this myself and pretty much did just over a week ago. It is sooo hard. We get so used to protecting our hearts, so used to disappointment, so used to failure. We see loss all around us and begin to find it so hard to believe that anything good and real can really happen to us in this area. We have endured so much pain and it is difficult to not let it overshadow our current experience. I have worried and fretted so much during this pregnancy and really have not had any symptoms either. I had one day of morning sickness and apart from a little extra peeing at night and the very occasional breast tenderness, I would NEVER know that I am pregnant. So, leading up to that first ultrasound I was very worried and then I was fine for a week or two and then I began to read more stories of loss and realized I wasn't out of the safe window yet. It is SO hard. I am just trying to keep the faith. What else can we do? We lack any control in this whole thing. We just gotta keep offering it up. I wish we could get together for coffee and talk it all out. I am praying for you, friend, and hope that we can both begin to really settle into these pregnancies of ours!
ReplyDeleteLindsay, I'm sorry I'm just reading this and am so late to responding. When is your ultrasound? Your little embryo is probably fine, but seeing the heartbeat will help you relax. You know that it took me a long time to *feel* pregnant, and even longer to realize that this pregnancy may lead to an actual baby to hold. But that's okay. These feelings are normal. You'll get through these next few weeks, and be out of your first trimester before you know it.
ReplyDeleteI'm leaving town this weekend, but we should get together soon. I'll send you an email when I'm back. And if you need to talk in the meantime, just let me know!
How you are feeling sucks but I am pretty sure it is normal for any couple who struggled with infertility before getting pregnant. It is hard to say it about yourself, but most babies do just fine:) We didn't tell most of our friends until we were in the 2nd trimester mainly because we were nervous. It does get easier, though:) I still worry, of course, but as each week passes with no issue I feel more confident. My symptoms came and went and came and went...they still seem to be doing that. Thinking of you, L!
ReplyDeleteI too hope there is a baby there. xoxo
ReplyDelete