One Lovely Blog Award

Is it possible to become friends with people you have never met before?  This thought has crossed my mind a lot lately.  At the end of 2011 I began venturing into the "blogging" world.  I knew someone from my town that had struggled with infertility, openly about it for 3 1/2 years and someone told me I just had to check out her blog because of how great it was.  After checking out her blog I realized two things: 1. It was great.  2.  There were SO MANY MORE out there just as great.  Sometimes I read other people's blogs and I swear I could have written them myself.  Other times I read people's comments on my blogs, and they are just the words I needed to hear to help me get through the day.  It's those little things that make blogging one of the most special things in the world that  have ever been apart of.  In some ways it is like a secret club, a secret club no one really WANTS to belong to, but if you are one of the "chosen" ones to suffer through infertility, this secret club is really one of your only ways to survive it.   

I started my blog up in February, not sure if anyone would ever read it, but knew I needed to somehow be able to put my thoughts down.  It was a really difficult time for me.  I had begun to realize that starting a family was not going to be easy for us.  It had become an obsession for me, all of it: temping, peeing, charting, timing, waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I knew I wasn't alone, but I also knew there was no one in my real life I could talk to about it.  When you talk to people that haven't been through it, it is a one way conversation, you talk at them, they nod their head and look at you with sympathy, and then you talk about something else, you change the subject. 

See, the thing about IF is it just isn't talked about, it's not something anyone would ever know about you unless you chose to share it with them.  It's not a disease or illness that slowly eats away your ourside appearance and makes people aware of what you are going through, it is actually quite the opposite.  On the outside, everything looks fine to everyone else, maybe you put on a few pounds or break out a little bit more, but who doesn't throughout their lifetime?  This is something that attacks you in the most deeply rooted place in your body: your heart.  On a daily basis your heart aches and that is really the only way I can think to describe it.

Recently a lot of strangers have asked me if I have children.  I have been asked at a wedding we recently went to, by the cashier at Target, parents of my first graders, and too many more to mention.  It doesn't really seem fair or appropriate that I am to just answer "no."  It doesn't give life to the battle I have been facing for the past 17 months.  It makes me seem like I am just another girl, not quite ready to start a family.  But, that is not the case, as a matter a fact, it couldn't be farther from the truth.  So, what are we supposed to say when we get asked?  If people are going to put me in the uncomfortable position of asking if I have children, can't I put them in the uncomfortable position of hearing the truth (I know it sounds so horrible to say out loud, but guess what, this whole IF thing is pretty horrible.) 

The last person that asked me that question was a parent of a student I had 7 years ago when I got hired as a permanent sub for the last month of school. I ran into her last weekend. She works at the Pier 1 around the corner from my house and I ran in to grab a new umbrella for our patio (had to use my mom's 20% off coupon before it expired!) When I answered her I had a feeling she could sense the sadness in my voice, I didn't say no, I said, we hope to soon, but it's not easy and I am almost 30!  Maybe I should have just said no, but I don't feel like that is the right thing anymore.  It is not easy for so many of us, yet we are expected to pretend it is.  I have been thinking a lot about what I will tell people when/if we ever get to announce we are pregnant (hopefully it will be this summer after IVF #1.)  I want people to know how hard I worked for this and I don't know why.  I don't think my baby will be any more special or important than anyone elses.  I also don't think I will love it any more than I would had I gotten pregnant after the first few months.  But, I want people to know that this baby came into our lives because we put blood, sweat, and tears into it.  In some ways I have devoted the last 17 months of my life to something that we may have to wait another 17 months for.  It doesn't seem right to just say no and leave it at that when I am questioned about children. 

Anyways, the real reason behind writing this post was because I was recently nominated for two different blog awards from four other awesome bloggers: Infertile625 @ Hidden Infertility, Dandelion Breeze @ NewYearMum, and Stephanie @ Good Luck-Try Again nominated me for One Lovely Blog Award and forever ago Crystal @ The Redhead Files, nominated me for The Liebster Blog Award. 

Here is how they work:

1. Share who gave you this award to you with a link back to their blog (above)
2. Write down 7 random facts about yourself.
3. Give this award to 15 other bloggers.
4. Let them know they've won
5. Pop the award on your blog 

Here are some random (and they are really random) facts about me!

1. I am scared of the dark.  I don't know why, I don't think anything bad has ever happened to me in the dark, but it is a real fear I have.  It has gotten better now that I have been forced to grow up and be alone at night when P is out, but it is still very real.  So real that last night, when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, on my way back I jumped over P, rather than walking around the bed because I was afraid someone would come up from behind me.  He often times wakes up freaked out to see his wife jumping across him, but whatever, he can get used to it!  I know, I know, it sounds so crazy!  But, the fear is there, and it is very real!
2. I am pretty sure I have some major sensory/quirky issues (very similar to some of my first graders haha)  Certain textures really bother me.  I like to keep all of my food separate on my plate, and have a hard time eating it if it has touched something else.  I can remember my mom always mixing her corn and potatoes and ughh I still can't imagine doing that!  Along the same lines I don't like drinking out of a drink someone else has used (straw, can, bottle) even if it is P's.  This drives him crazy, but the thought of putting my mouth on something that someone may have left some stuff behind on makes me want to be sick!  I also have never and will never wear lipstick.  The person who did my makeup for my wedding made me use a little something, but besides chapstick, I cringe at the thought of that sticky stuff on my lips!
3. When I throw up I start crying (even if I don't want to!)  Don't think I need to go into details on this one...
4. I have a widow's peak and have ALWAYS HATED IT!  The morning before my 8th grade graduation dance, I attempted to cut it off, as you can imagine, it didn't go so well.  For a little while people called me Spike Lin because it grew back spikey, I am still waiting for it to grow back completely, it is about down to my eyebrows. 
5. I have lived in the same town my whole life, with the exception of my 4 college years.  What can I say, it is a great town! 
6. I love to laugh.  I knew I was really down and out the past few months when I stopped laughing.  My laugh is slowly coming back.  P is sometimes embarassed by my laugh because it is a little loud and often times contagious. 
7. Not sure why this last fact came to mind, but P was recently asking me about the Chicken Pox and if I ever had any kids come down with it, and for whatever reason right now it is in my head.  So I have turned it into my last random fact...My mom, brother, and me, all came down with the chicken pox in the same week when I was in elementary school!  We have the pictures and the scars to prove it!

I know so many of you have been nominated so I won't make you do one of these again, but please know how much I genuinely love reading each and every one of your blogs.  They validate everything I am feeling, and make me feel like I can get through this.  xoxo