I Will Be Okay, We Will Be Okay

P and I are hanging in there as best we can.  We had a nice dinner last night, P grilled outside and I couldn't help but think, here we are, another summer upon us, another summer with just the 3 of us, no baby, not really any closer either.  If we get pregnant this summer, we will be due in May, if we don't we will be sitting here a year from now, preparing for another summer without a baby. 

It's crazy.  You never imagine being able to get through this, but you do, because really, you don't have a choice.  The world does not stop, the world will not stop, for anyone's sadness or grief.  People will continue to go on with their lives which means we have to go on with ours.  Somedays I wish I could freeze time because everyday that goes by is another day I am not pregnant and time seems to be slipping away from me.  Other days I am trying to flip the calendar forward because I am so anxious/excited (excited is not the right word, but will have to do for now) for our IVF to start in July. I am sad it has come to this. I am frustrated I will spend most of my summer wishing it away to see if it ends in a pregnancy. I am scared it won't. I am trying to live in the moment as best I can, but it is really hard. I feel like I am always looking ahead.

We also talked about the plan for the summer.  IVF from start to finish seems to take anywhere from 6-7 weeks.  That will be just about my entire summer.  If it ends in a pregnancy, it will all be worth it.  But what if it doesn't?  I go back to teaching after the summer from hell I guess? We talked about having to get away, but everyone else's plans keep getting in the way.  I even brought up maybe just the two of us going away for Thanksgiving since I get a 5 day break, if we are not pregnant.  But, if I am not pregannt, we will probably be in the middle of another treatment.  I know I know, I am looking so far ahead, but that is me, that is what I do.  I plan.  I hope for the best, but I plan for the worst.   

P could tell I was starting to get sad and said to me, "The first IVF is going to work."  I told him to stop saying that.  He has been saying..."it is going to work" for the past 18 months now.  I know it is his way of protecting us and his way of coping, but I do not see life through rose-colored glasses.  Maybe it hurts less that way, but it is not me.  I have always been a realist.  I know many people are successful with their first IVF, and I also know many more are not.  Actually, just the fact that we have to have this conversation, sometimes makes my mouth drop open...how are we possibly discussing IVF (and the fact that it may NOT work)...how did we get here!?!?

We then talked about how this journey has changed us, well me I guess.  He asked if I thought I was stronger, and my answer even surprised me.  No, I don't think I am stronger, I think this battle has shown myself and maybe even other people how strong I have always been, brought it to the surface maybe, but I don't think it has made me stronger, that strength has always been there, I just haven't needed it as much as I do now.  I think it has made me a little harder, a little less sympathetic for certain types of people.  Sometimes other people's bad days or complaints seem to fail in comparison to what I am going through, but  I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to keep reminding myself, they don't know what it is like, cut them some slack.  I have to remember, it is not a competition.  It is life.  And everyone has their own struggles.  My troubles just seem huge right now because I am knee deep in them. 

I was driving in the car today (I do that a lot I guess haha) and was thinking about another thing that people often ask me or I think want to ask me.  Have I thought about seeing a therapist?  I have, and I don't need one, YET.  I wasn't lying when I said Sage was my therapist.  She listens to me ALL the time, she lets me sort through my feelings while I talk to her on walks, cuddling on the couch, or lying in bed together.  She doesn't judge me, she doesn't do or say things that hurt me, she just loves me unconditionally, every single day. 

I was in a really bad place 3 years ago, right after we got married and got Sage ( I wrote "had" Sage and realized I didn't have her we "got" her haha) and was put on meds. for 3 months.  I truly think I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and the meds were able to help me adjust all the "stuff" going on up there.  Since then, I have been in such a better place.  I am actually in a really good place right now.  I get sad, angry, frustrated, but I am in a good place.  I am comfortable in my own skin, confident in the choices and decisions I have made that have led me to where I am right now.  I know I have done everything possible to get us pregnant, and although it hasn't worked, I have not looked back and second-guessed much.  I have always been very aware of my feelings/emotions, and never had a problem expressing them.  I told P last night that if I thought I needed to see someone, I would have called a long time ago.  Even when it's bad, it is nowhere near as bad as it was 3 years ago.  Now, if our IVF fails, maybe I will be in a different place.  But, only time and a beta will tell. 

People always say that you are only given what you can handle, and while I LOATHE this saying, it quite possibly could be true.  I think of some of my friends, other people I know, and how they would deal with this and if it has to be someone, maybe it should be me.  But, just because I am a strong person doesn't mean I want to handle it/should be forced to handle it.  I recently saw this pin on pinterest and I liked it (it was originally from google.com)  Let's hope we all get our free pass soon, it's time for things to lighten up a little...