What doesn't kill you makes a fighter...(or so claims Kelly Clarkson's new song)

I don't feel much like a fighter today.  All that excitement I wrote about two days ago about having a plan and moving forward disappeared.  It's gone and I can't seem to get it back.  The weather isn't helping much either, typical February cold, rainy/snowy, and gray.  I am an emotional wreck, being on vacation this week has been the worst possible thing for me.  All my friends that I would have spent time with either have babies or are pregnant.  Is it bad that I couldn't psych myself up to see them over these past few days?   After getting 4 BFNs over these past 4 days and having a drop in my BBT I am finally realizing that this isn't going to happen for us on our own.  We were so hopeful this cycle, my cycle was FINALLY normal, I knew exactly when things were happening and we come up empty AGAIN.  P doesn't even know what to say anymore...how many times can you say I'm sorry or this sucks??  Next month will be our last (15th) cycle before our first IUI and I wish we could just fast forward time.   

I have always had a feeling in my gut I would have trouble conceiving, and when it didn't happen after 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, even a year, everyone told me to just relax, some people take a little longer, everything is fine.  I was right, I knew it.  But, I don't want to be right.  It's obviously not a mother's instinct, maybe a woman's instinct?? I feel like P and I are stuck on a roller coaster and we can't get off.  I want to get off!! 

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully P and I will do something to snap me out of this, unfortunately AF will be making her appearance this weekend so good luck to him!  I am off to pick up a pizza and have a glass of wine...