I was in great spirits this weekend. P and I had a great day yesterday being rained in, I got a lot of school work done, we made dinner together, and watched the Bruins win in OT. Then Sunday night came and I couldn't sleep. I don't think I slept more than 1-2 hours, maybe I knew deep down the news this morning would be so much more than just a negative beta. As I tossed and turned I began to think about what I could blog about for National Infertility Awareness Week which began yesterday. Resolve has challenged bloggers to respond to this prompt: Don't Ignore...(fill in the blank.) When I woke up this morning I was all prepared to blog about this when I got home from work, but with the state of mind I am in right now, I have decided to postpone this until tomorrow (maybe.)
So, I got the phone call today. My 2ww is over and it was negative. I was totally prepared for that and actually excited to move on to the next IUI. The second one would be better, easier, I was ready for it, only there will not be a second one or a third one...
The woman on the phone was disgustingly sympathetic, to the point that I wanted to tell her please don't feel sorry for me. But, I knew what she was trying to do, it must be awful to be the person making those phone calls on a daily basis. My response was, "Thanks, but I knew it was negative." She then questioned how I knew and I explained and she told me that she believed from looking at my bloodwork that it couldn't have been timed more perfectly, with more than 3-4 mature follicles waiting in the wings. Is this supposed to make me feel better?? If everything was so perfect, why are we still sitting here? What is going on with my body/P? Why can't we make a baby?? What are we missing??
What I didn't know was what she was preparing to tell me next.
"I have a few messages for you from Dr. P. She would like you in for a consult this week, the sooner the better. She would also like you to speak with our financials person. She doesn't think going forward with another IUI is the right move. In her opinion you should go straight to IVF (possibly with ICSI.)"
I'm sorry what...
What happened to let's try 3 cycles of IUI and then proceed with IVF? Dr. P had even suggested wait a few more months before IUI and now she wants us to go straight to IVF? What has caused her to jump ship so quickly? She is very conservative, so I have to believe that IVF is our only option if she is recommending it and that thought scares me just a little bit.
P and I had originally decided we would move forward with 2 more IUIs, take the summer off (assuming they were unsuccessful) because my brother is getting married the first week in July, we have a few other weddings, and were hoping to get away in August. Then, prepare for IVF in September (first month back at work) and go for it in October. I should know by now, that my plans mean NOTHING...absolutely nothing in this ugly battle with IF. There is no point in planning anymore.
So, I am going in on Wednesday afternoon to see Dr. P and I don't know what exactly she is going to say and I am trying to ignore this feeling that I have in the pit of my stomach that this is never going to happen for us. If we move forward in the next few months with IVF, what happens if that doesn't work? What happens if nothing works? I know I am jumping ahead but I am so frustrated right now. It isn't supposed to be like this. Why is it so god damn easy for so many other people? So many people will never know what this feels like, and it is hard not to feel bitter and angry about that.
I know it's early in the week, but I plan on treating myself to a few drinks tonight. I guess this has become my new normal and I once again have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Just seems like a lot to deal with for a 29 year old girl that wasn't prepared for any of this...
Good luck to all my IVF buddies this month, I have been thinking of you all weekend long, and am awaiting positive results for all of you over the next few weeks xoxoxo
1) Telling you everything was timed perfectly does not make it better - it's worse.
ReplyDelete2) Wow...that's quite a shock to be told to move straight to IVF. I have a couple of thoughts (totally personally and not medical). I've given up believing in IUI. I think doctors just do it to do something that's not IVF, but I think they really want to do IVF. But that does not necessarily mean that IVF should be the next step or that it's a definite necessity. I think doctors want it because they have more control and get more info (which I would want too if I was a doctor). If the finances work...fine. If not, then keep thinking about it.
Last, I don't remember the details, but if one of your issues is morphology, IVF will definitely help. It could happen on it's own with a lot of time if you're willing to give it, but ICSI makes fertilization rates much much higher.
(Sorry I'm just a rambling mess!)
So sorry you are going thru that :(
ReplyDeleteWow, what a bomb! I cannot believe that they would do this over the phone vs. having you meet with the RE to discuss this. Seriously, how is this approach helpful?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for this news Lindsay. That's very hard, considering there's really no clear explanation. Please be good to yourself today and in the days to come. And when you meet with the doctor, I hope he has an explanation, not only for this change in plans but also for allowing his nurse to deliver this news in this manner.
First of all... hey pretty girl in your new picture! Love the dress :) Second, I'm sorry everything happened the way it did today. Hearing the timing was perfect sucks. I hate it when doctors say that. Try to stay calm until your appointment when you can get all the facts. I know, easier said. I would be flipping out too! XO
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I agree, as a fellow "planner" IF really screws that up! I'll be curious to see what your RE says this week. Enjoy those drinks:) You deserve them!
ReplyDeleteUgh. I am so sorry about all of this. I am a planner, too, and it drives me CRAZY when things don't go as planned (and even more so when they CAN'T EVEN BE PLANNED AT ALL!). I am not sure why anyone has to go through this. I have already seen 3 fellow bloggers get pregnant one way or another, though, so I know there is hope for all of us!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love the new picture of you and P! Looking good:)
Ugh! I am so sorry. The same thing happened to us. We had planned on 3 IUIs, and after the first they recommended moving straight to IVF. (For us, it was a bad semen sample, but I still didn't understand, since that was more of an aberration.) I know that this is very difficult news to hear.
ReplyDeleteI also don't know if this is helpful or not, since we ended up at IVF anyway...*but* I expressed my reservations about going straight to IVF and our doctor did say that another IUI wouldn't hurt, so we ended up doing a second.
If you can, I'd try to put together a list of questions for your doctor. It might help you feel focused during your appointment. (I hope that they can be more clear about why they are suggesting this, and that may help you feel more confident in your next steps.)
No matter what, I'm thinking of you and hoping things start looking up soon!
Lindsay, I couldn't feel you more. I just got the exact same news over the weekend, except our second IUI was cancelled instead of negative, due to too high of a response. My RE said this isn't the right protocol for us and we'd have to move straight to IVF. I have such mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I know it's a more exact process and has a higher rate of success. Moving to IVF makes me feel like I've truly earned my stripes as an infertile, as much as I never wanted that. But it's also scary, and somehow even more real. And I never really thought of it as the last resort but I think that's part of the fear for me too. Hang in there though, this will resolve itself somehow, someway, sometime. I do believe that. (Ps. I live in Bruins country too ;) )
ReplyDelete-Shelley, Tales from the Waiting Room
Man, that was abrupt. I'm sorry all of that was thrown at you the way it was. I am also wondering what made her change her mind...
ReplyDeleteMaybe it had to do with the sperm sample since that is why they usully suggest ICSI (or egg quality). Did any new blood work come in? I wish the doctor had called you and explained herself. At least your appointment is rather soon.
I know it feels overwhelming and scary to consider IVF sooner than later, but there must be a reason. Just take each appointment and day at a time. Know that even though IUI didn't work, it doesn't mean you are out of the game. It doesn't seem to work for a lot of women unfortunatly.
You can get through this and come out with positive results. Hang in there!
Thinking of you Lindsay! Remember -- this is your body, so you are in control of the decisions of what to do. Don't let anyone hurry you into something you are not ready for or comfortable with. It took us a LONG time to come to the point where we could feel comfortable with IVF...and I'm still scared out of my mind preparing for it over the next 6 weeks! Take good care of yourself and P!
ReplyDeletei am so sorry. I just found your blog recently from another infertility blog. We did one round of iui and were unsuccessful and were told the same thing, due to how my body responded to the injections/meds. one of the reasons I'm so nervous is because it is the last step and that is really scary. I can relate to the fact that there is no controlling or planning. I thought we would do ivf this month but turns out the retrieval dates would fall right by my brother's wedding, which I'm in. So we have to wait another month. Most likely change our travel plans for June and maybe my husband's work trip. It is so frustrating and overwhelming. I remind myself daily that this will all be worth it when I get to hold my baby and will just be part of our story. But for now it is so hard, disappointing and frustrating. I am so sorry that this round was unsuccessful and know that there isn't anything to say to make it better. Just know that you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear your news and that you've had a change of plan. Each turn brings so many new dilemmas and unexpected twists... I hope your RE can tell you exactly why they're thinking of IVF and help map out a plan for you. Thinking of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteSorry about the BFN...and for the sudden change of plans.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your Doc is very sure of what is right for you.
Think well.
#24
Hopefully you get some answers on Wednesday and I too am a planner and IF always seems to ruin the plans that I made. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteWow, that's a game changer, huh? I'm so sorry that your plans have been busted again (I know just how that goes). And I know how scary it is to think that if the next treatment doesn't work, is that the end of the road? Treat yourself to some drinks, go easy on yourself for a few days. The amazing thing about us IFers is how resilient we are (we kinda have to be). I wish you all the luck in the world moving forward, whatever you choose to do. I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry to hear about your bfn. i know how it feels, although, we were able to conceive finally, it took two years and there where a lot of bfn's in that time. i will check back to see what your doctor has to say on wednesday, good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteiclw
Hi from ICLW! I know this anxiety all too well. I'm so sorry for your bfn. Take good care of yourselves and I hope you get your miracle soon!
ReplyDeleteAh Lindsay... I'm so sorry to hear about how things went down. I hope that your next appointment goes as well as possible and you're able to get some answers and develop a plan that you're comfortable with. Oh and I echo Laura's comments about your beautiful new picture. Oh la la!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog--ICLW. (your wedding picture is beautiful by the way). Your frustrations are so true and I hope you enjoyed those drinks. I hope that you find some positive news from your doctor.
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