No such thing as easy when you're dealing with IF

I am still trying to wrap my head around what happened over these past 48 hours... Saturday morning was just supposed to be a typical cd8 monitoring and then all hell broke loose I had lots of follicles but my estradiol level was sky high and we were told on Sunday we had a mere hour to decide what we wanted to do with this cycle. I expected the insemination to happen over my vacation, but instead

I went in for it this morning. I didn't have enough time to process everything, realize what was about to happen, so I of course spent last night thrashing around in bed, filled with fear, unable to slow my heart rate down. I think I slept in 10 minute increments. This morning I was nauseous and couldn't eat. I attribute it to a combination of the HCG shot and nerves.

We showed up on time to the appt after Ps sample was washed and given the go ahead. Our nurse was nice and I expressed how nervous I was, how unexpected this timing was. She assured me she does these all the time, and they always go smooth, after she said that I couldn't help but feel a little bit of dread creeping up.

It started out fine, I was able to relax enough for her to put the speculum in, and that's where it stopped being just another insemination. She spent 10 minutes unable to breakthrough the inner door of my cervix...she said it was as if it was sewn shut, even though we knewnthat wasnt true because inhad an HSG test last November.

She then went to get another nurse who spent another 10 minutes attempting to get it through. At this point I am fighting back tears and squeezing my husband's hand so hard i feel like it may lose circulation! Both nurses tell me in the 10 plus years doing this, they have never not been able to get though, so they call in the big guns, a doctor. The doctor struggled for about 5 minutes and then slams her hand down on my stomach and whoosh, it went in, I winced but knew it was almost over.

The nurse was apologetic and said my cervix was deviated to the left and she would make note of it on my chart in case I need to have another one. Another one?? How am I supposed to even think about putting my body through this again? I am ready for this to stop being so hard. But, it is over and I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief.

I start the crinone progesterone suppositories tomorrow morning and am expecting pregnancy symptoms to accompany them, what a cruel joke. As for the two week wait, I am not too hopeful, I think because everything happened so fast we missed the surge. I know eggs are good for 12-24 hours but I can't help but fear we missed the window that never even seemed to open up long enough for us. For now, I am happy to catch up on some sleep on the couch, thank god that is over!