Friday, August 10, 2012

Trying to Stay Positive

I didn't sleep much last night, but I wasn't nervous.  It was more anxiety, everything catching up with me.

I made it to accupuncture by 8 and we were at our clinic for 8:45.  They called us back at 9:15 where we sat in a little room, me with a full bladder ready to explode!

We were prepared to transfer 1, we were prepared to get a great report on our 12 embryos.

Turns out we weren't prepared at all!


The report wasn't very good.  Of the 12 embryos, a lot of them had stopped dividing, and those that were continuing really weren't doing it at an appropriate pace.  We found out we had 2 7-cell embryos and 1 5-cell and the rest were still 2, 3, and 4 cell.  Had we had lots of 7 and 8-cell embryos he would have thought this was a good batch and transferring 1 would be great, but the low cell count overall is indicative that even even these 7-cell embryos probably aren't great and may not be strong enough to implant.  We never heard the words good or great when describing our embryos.  This was not my normal RE, but he is the one who did my retrieval and I really respect his opinion and am actually considering switching over to him becasue we like him that much.  He said in most cases he recommends transferring only 1, but because our overall batch looked the way it did, what he should have said was shitty, he really recommended 2 to give us our best chance.  He also believed that maybe we might be narrowing in on our "unexplained diagnosis.". Yes, I can make lots of eggs, but their quality sucks, my words not his!  Both the embryologist and Dr. B didn't believe any of our little embryos we worked so hard to create would make it to freeze.  This made both of us really sad.

So, they left us alone and P and I talked.  I wish I could say I am 100% confident in our decision but I am not.  We decided to transfer 2 instead of 1.  We couldn't imagine leaving 1 of the (2) 7-cells behind and what if we transferred only 1 and the other didn't make it to freeze, we would have always been wondering "what if?"

If this doesn't work, we will have to go through the entire IVF process again.  If both take, we will have twins.  I have never felt comfortable with the idea of twins but at the same time, all of this just sounded so not promising and P was so confident in the doctor and also strongly agreed with the idea of 2, so that's what we decided.

The transfer was so much easier than the one for the IUI.  It couldn't have gone any better and we watched the embryos getting dropped off in my uterus.  After, one of my favorite nurses came in and talked with us for a while, and bent down to give me a huge hug which made me cry.  She told me how hard she was rooting for us and if I had any questions or concerns to call and ask to talk to her specifically and she would be there for me in a heartbeat.  I couldn't have asked for better care throughout the whole process.

But, in the end, none of that will matter if we find out in 2 weeks we are still not pregnant.

I am sad that we got such a crummy report and that the room wasn't filled with hope.  I am sad that we probably won't have any to freeze.  I am just sad...but trying to stay positive...

I know I should be happy, but I just wasn't prepared for a bad report today.  This is why I always prepare for the worst, because there is no worse feeling than being disappointed after your hope has been high.  To get 19 eggs and only have 2 look good on day 3...ugh!!!

For now, I am going to try and stay positive, focus on the positive, because at this very moment, I guess you could say I am pregnant...with twins...holy crap

22 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry your report was not what you were hoping for. Lets hope your little embabies stick! :-)

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  2. I am sorry to hear about your report. Out of my 17 fertilized I only had two transfer and nothing to freeze. My RE mentioned egg quality. After much research it seems that people who stim to quickly and also have a large amount of eggs usually end up with poor quality. I am not sure of your numbers through stimming so I definitely can't say that is what happened. Since our 1st failed cycle I have been on 600mg of COQ10 that is suppose to help with the quality. I am very hopeful that this will be it for you and no more ivf cycles though. Try to hang in there :)

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  3. Pregnant until proven otherwise, sister! You made it this far, and I completely understand being sad. BUT you transferred something...and that's something! He is right about getting closer to figuring out the unexplained part. I just wish for you it could be happening at a different time. Hang in there. Thinking of you and praying SO HARD! XO

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  4. Infertility is such a freaking roller coaster - this is what people who haven't been through it don't understand. They say "why don't you just do IVF?" as if it is "just" that simple. I'm sorry that you were caught off guard by this morning and I'm sorry the news wasn't better. I feel like they should put a warning on all first-time IVFs that they won't really know what they're dealing with in your case until they've gone through it all. At least if there does have to be a round 2, they can make adjustments to help improve the outcomes. Nevertheless, I'll of course still be rooting for at least one of those little embryos to stick!

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  5. I'm so sorry things took a downturn. I'm still holding onto hope for you that at least one of these two embies decide to stick around for a very long time. I hope these next two weeks fly by for you.

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  6. Aww, Dr. B. I know why P felt such confidence in him (I do too!) and he should, b/c even though he has yet to give me a THB, I believe him to be an expert in fertility. I'm glad you got to be with him. I am sorry to hear about the less than happy report but I have a few thoughts. First, don't give up on your embies (not that you are). They still have a lot of growing to do but now they're back in you, the absolute best place for them to grow! And also, your remaining embryos could surprise you and leave you with a few to freeze! Best of luck with your wait, I won't pretend you aren't entering what I believe to be the hardest stretch of all. But it will pass and I'm hoping for only the best result when it's all over!

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  7. Oh Lindsay, I am having flashbacks to our first cycle. I am SO sorry that you're having to go through this stress. Just a few things to keep in mind... (1) they probably wouldn't have let you transfer 3 for your first IVF, (2) this isn't over yet - we need to wait and see who these 2 little embryos do and (3) I was told that our first IVF failed due to poor embryo quality, but they changed the protocol (both the stim and the injection that prevents ovulation) and my response the next time was completely different. Send me an email if you need to talk at all this weekend. And hang in there! You'll be okay. You will.

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  8. I'm sorry for the news you got today...but please hold onto hope, if it weren't for hope we IFers would be lost! Have you ever tested your AMH levels? I'm assuming since you did an IVF that your RE tested this. I'm preparing to start stims next month (1st IVF), and was super excited about it until I found out my low AMH levels...which are indicative of egg quality. It would be interesting to hear what your level was since your RE has explained the "quality" wasn't optimal.

    I will say a prayer for you and your embies :)

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  9. I will stay positive for you :). Everything crossed. Emily of koob triplets transferred 3 7 cell highly fragmented embryos with very little hope....and since her blog is now koob triplets - you know what happened! She deleted her IF blog unfortunately after some bad traffic, but I'm sure if you were to write to her she'd give you some hope! There are just as many successful stories out there as not, read the good ones!!! Read anything that gives you hope. Thinking of you guys and the twins :).

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  10. I know exactly what you are feelin. We got 15. Of those, 14 were mature and 9 fertilized. I was expecting 5-6 by day 5 and my world crashed when we had two and they were a day behind.

    But Million is right. Emily has triplets. She had two prior failed IVFs and her doc recommended putting all three shitty embryos in because he thought there was little chance one would stick. And all three did!

    Hang in there. You are good. Relax. Eat pineapple core (google it) and walnuts. And have fun if you can. xoxoxoxo

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  11. Oh Lindsay! That's a hard one. I'm so sorry you got the news you did. I'm holding onto hope for you, though. I've meant too many women who had "crappy" embryos that are now beautiful children. And there are also too many women (like me) who have beautiful embryos and are still childless. So, I'm hoping. Sending you love and hugs as you spent the day recovering from transfer. Come on embies!!!

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  12. Lins...this is really hard news to hear. But there is still hope. Try not to start thinking ahead to what will happen after this. You still have a very good shot at this working. Bad news sucks any way you cut it but you have to stay positive to give these embies the best possible chance. Thinking of you!

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  13. Praying hard for you, L. Hoping and praying that this works and your IVF experience is complete! Sending lots of love and sticky vibes from Alabama

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  14. So sorry you didn't get a good report today L. I have been thinking about you, and I really hope this will work! Lots of love, thoughts and prayers being sent your way!

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  15. Transfer buddy- I'm praying for you and rooting for your 2 embryos as well as our 2 that we transferred today... just heard a great phrase from someone who had success with IVF: PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)- that's what we are! :)

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  16. Sorry for the not-so-good report, but like you say...right now you're pregnant! And my RE always says, there's no better place for those embryos than in your uterus. I'm throwing in my tiny bit of hope for you! No, make that a huge bit of hope :)

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  17. Oh my...that is sooo hard. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. Trying to remain positive about the two embryos snug in your womb inspite of the difficult news you received about your other embryos. My heart is with you and I am praying for you! This journey is soooo hard! I am so amazed by your courage and strength! Sending you huge hugs!!!

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  18. I'm sorry things didn't go the way you had hoped, but I'm glad you're able to focus on the positive things right now. I'll be praying for you!

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  19. I'm so so sorry you got that kind of report. It does clear up some things, but it doesn't make it any easier. We didn't have many to freeze and then when we thawed, only one of three made it so I know that kind of sadness.
    Fow now you are pregnant until proven otherwise so keep your heart open to those embies and know that it can work.
    I wish you all the luck in the world.

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  20. Those little embryos are in the best place they can be! Praying for success and health all around :)

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  21. I'm sorry I'm so behind! I'm sorry you didn't get a good report. I am keeping up so much hope for the 2 little embies that are settling in inside you. Sending you lots of love and Hugz and cheering for you!

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