Saturday, March 31, 2012
CD 1 (About Time!)
I have never ever been a very religious person. I do believe there is some higher power but I don't really understand it all. I don't pray at night, I think and hope often, but I don't pray. Maybe it is something I need to start doing, but to be honest I don't really know if I even remember how to (I know sounds so silly.)
People often say that you are only handed as much as you can handle, but who determines how much one can handle? People often say that going through things make you stronger. I don't know if I agree with that. I sometimes feel like pain doesn't make us stronger, it just hardens us a little.
The recent ups and downs in my life (some I have blogged about, some I have not) have made me begin to look at things differently. Often times the perception of someone's life, and the life they actually live are two totally different things. We sometimes try so hard to be the person that we believe others want us to be that we lose ourselves and we hide our true feelings. In a world with such high expectations how is one supposed to be happy? I am someone that considers myself to be pretty confident and yet I struggle too. We live in a society where nothing is ever good enough, people always want more. Looking at myself, I should be extremely happy (and I guess I am, sort of.) I have a fantastic family that loves me to pieces, a husband that would do anything for me, wonderful in-laws, and a pup that has literally stolen my heart, and it is not even close to being enough. I walk around sad, A LOT (although I have gotten good at hiding it in front of most.) I want MORE. I want a baby. No matter how much I try and remind myself how good I have it, it's not enough and it will never be enough until we have a baby.
I know I need to start figuring out what makes me happy because the place I am at now is not a good one. I am not depressed, BUT, I have been there, and I know what it feels like, luckily those feelings aren't around yet(although I am constantly on the lookout for them.) These next few weeks are going to be stressful for me and P, and although happiness seems to be a place so far away from here, I need to start looking for it because there is no guarantee we will have a baby. Although I hope and wish for one every waking moment, and know in my heart we are moving in the right direction, there are no guarantees.
I know this post is a little disjointed but it is kind of how I am feeling tonight. AF finally decided to show its ugly face, and although I feel bloated and have major cramps, I am so relieved it is here. I am going in for an u/s and b/w Monday morning before work and will hopefully begin my injections Monday night. I am trying to remain realistic about this first one. During the movie last night there was a quote that has stuck with me all day today, "A little bit of hope is a good thing, a lot of hope is dangerous." This could not be more true...so I am going into this with a little bit of hope because a lot of hope could lead to great disappointment at the end of the month, and I am not so sure P (or I) can handle it.
Congrats to all my friends out there that received BFPs this month, I couldn't be happier for you. For those that are still waiting...hope you can keep that tiny bit of hope alive...somehow :)
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IF is so hard and there are times where it's hard to remain positive and not feel sad. When AF arrives it becomes even harder. Hope is not a strategy but sometimes that's all we have. Sending positive thoughts your way. I hope you get you BFP soon!
ReplyDeleteThe sad is so hard to deal with sometimes. I feel like even when we find things that make us happy there is always an underlying sadness there...just under the surface. I'm hoping for you that once you get on your way this cycle you'll have so many other things to think about that it will diminish the saddy part. I'll be looking out for an u/s update! Hold onto hope, my friend. Good things are on the horizon for you!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. Hang in there Lindsay. Things will get better.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. CD1 is tough...but it's also a fresh start. Best of luck for this cycle, I hope it's the one that brings you a baby in your arms.
ReplyDeleteI know what it is like to realize that things in my life are really good, but I am still sad. It is kind of confusing. Sometimes I feel ungrateful.
ReplyDeleteInfertility is hard. SO hard. Others don't realize it until they go through it themselves. Sometimes I wonder why this has happened to me, but despite all the heartache, I have learned so much about myself and others. I am a much more sensitive person (to others) because of it.
You can get through it. It may be rough, but you can do it!
Oh Lindsay...Thinking of you! I understand feeling like nothing is going to be good enough until you have a baby in your arms. Hoping CD 1 = fresh start!
ReplyDeleteI hope you get past your sad time, happier times are ahead! I know how you feel completely. I love your "hope" quote. So, so true!
ReplyDeleteThis journey is such a balance of emotions! Trying to find the right balance between hope and being realistic...allowing yourself to be sad, but not wanting to fall into depression...being happy about the wonderful life you do have, but also grieving over the family you don't have yet. It's so hard to figure it all out! I'm trying to hang onto that little bit of hope this month and not go too overboard with it lol!
ReplyDeleteWell said. Hope is the very thing that keeps us going but also the thing that we question at times. However, it is the one thing I've had to hold on to during the last few years (and even have it tattoed on my foot!).
ReplyDeleteI do hope that the first time is IT for you and that you have peace during this process. My only advice is to try and enjoy what you can of the process. I'm not saying it's all sunshine and rainbows but there are things to enjoy along the way.
Sending you love!