This battle with infertility has given me a lot to think about over these past few weeks, months, well I guess it's been a while! I have a pretty good idea of how others see me but I often times struggle to find what I think of myself. There are days when I get home from work down in the dumps, really kind of pathetic and I want to give myself a big kick in the ass, pissed at myself for acting this way. In my weakest moments, I want others to be aware of our pain and sympathize with us. Both our parents and siblings and a few select friends are aware of what's going on, but there are so many others who are not. Then there are other days I feel like a champion because most of the people in my life have no idea the extent of what is going on with P and me. I simply put a smile on and effortlessly talk with friends and coworkers about their pregnancy or their children.
I have been in the same school, same grade for 6 years. For whatever reason since the first day I began teaching, people have come to me for help/answers, looked to me to be a leader, given me the kids they thought many others couldn't handle. While that may seem great, I never asked for it. So, now when I find myself struggling to get through some days, I don't want to be that person at work anymore. I love my job and I love that people think of me the way they do, but I am tired of being the one that everyone thinks has it all together. Because, deep down, I don't. It's not that I put on an act for people (I can't stand people who are fake) it's just they expect me to act/be a certain way and so that is what I do.
I am very proud of myself this past week because while everyone came back from vacation feeling so relaxed after what they claimed was such a wonderful week away from school I knew in my heart, this vacation was almost the death of me. After our second visit with Dr. P I spent hour after hour going over all my notes, charts, doctors visits, meds, success rates, wonderding what these next few months will bring for me and P. But, I walked in, kept it together and kindly replied "My vacation was good." What am I supposed to say, I spent every waking minute yearning for a baby, praying this will be the month we see 2 lines?? It's not me, I don't like to complain to people. I know how annoying people are that complain all the time, I refuse to be one of them. Maybe I am stronger than I think.
This whole infertility thing is so confusing. Some days I am so positive and other days I think to myself, how the hell did we get here? But, it's been a good week for me so I want to leave on a good note. In just a short time, blogging has become something I look forward to daily. I LOVE it! I appreciate the comments, the followers, and reading others blogs as well. So, thank you to everyone who has made an effort to reach out to me. As I am sure you all know, it really makes a difference!!! Hope everyone has a great weekend!
I was having the same thoughts just yesterday. IF can consume so much of our lives and thoughts, and it's not fun, it's not fair, it often makes it hard to feel relaxed and wonderful. I also have a hard time saying anything other than "good" or "okay," except here where I know people will understand and accept where I am now. I'm glad that you are finding the support you need through the IF blog community as well!
ReplyDeleteI agree, that if you need to vent, blow off steam, whine, complain whatever- this is a great place to do it! You have to get those feelings out somewhere and if you're not ready to go public with the IF, why not among friends in the same boat? I understand completely. I put on a brave face for a long time and one day after writing a post for National Infertility Awareness Week, I bit the bullet and posted the link to my FB. It was liberating, but took almost 5 years to do it! I still am not quick to share publicly, but I think it gave MANY people insight into my struggle and maybe some light bulbs turned on. Thinking of you as you return to your the daily grind!
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