I am feeling really angry today, if you are not you might want to skip over this post, and we can commiserate together at a later date :)
Since we began trying what seems like forever ago (although I know to many it probably is not that long) I have done all I can to familiarize myself with my cycle. I am sick and tired of it, all of it. I have charted my BBT for a year now, spent countless money on OPKs (which never once showed OV) and still continue to spend money on my ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor and those stupid sticks every month. I am so angry at my body. The bromocriptine (med. to lower my prolactin) was supposed to solve my ovulation issues, last month which was my first month on the meds. my cycle was only 31 days, great, everything should be fine now right??
I have since started a new cycle and am on cd 17. Saturday night/Sunday morning I noticed the super fertile, stretchy CM (sorry if this is too much information) which should mean I am about to ovulate, if only it were that effing simple. My fertility monitor gave me my first high reading on Thursday, which was cd 11. Since then, the CM has completely dried up and I continue to have a high reading on my monitor, where the heck is the PEAK?? For those of you that have never used one of these monitors, you begin POAS around day 7/8 and it will give you a LOW reading until it detects a certain hormone in your body which will change the monitor to HIGH. Once it detects the LH surge (usually 2-3 days later) it will give you a PEAK reading which tells you, you will ovulate in the next 24-36 hours.
My BBT has not moved...AT ALL. I was so desperate I even ran out and bought OPKs, which I hadn't bought in months because they were so not useful to me and still only one stupid line. It all points to one thing: I didn't ovulate.
Some may think I am jumping the gun, that's fine, you don't know what my body is like. This has been my problem since day 1...my body prepares to ovulate, everything looks good, and then NOTHING...for at least another week and a half/two weeks. My last cycle before the meds. was 56 days, and this cycle is eerily similar. I am predicting my monitor will go back down to low in the next few days and then I will spend the rest of what feels like eternity waiting to ovulate...nevermind the 2 ww, wating to ovulate is just as much enough to drive a person with irregular cycles crazy! The chances of getting a good egg are slim to none, as Dr. P put it.
They say couples go through this together, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I am the one making all the phone calls, I am the one taking the meds, I am the one waking up every morning and taking my temp and POAS before I do anything else, and I am the one that is supposed to be carrying a baby, OUR baby. I know it's not P's fault, and I know it's typical for me to feel this way, but it just isn't fair...
I know this anger will not last forever, but in the mean time it is consuming me. For the longest time it was mostly sadness I felt, and I remember reading other people's blogs wondering why they felt so much anger/hatred toward their body and at their situation and I just couldn't understand it. Now, I do.
As my mom always tells me...this too shall pass (hopefully)
So sorry you are feeling this way, but I think it's important to let yourself feel this way when you need to. It is not fair and sometimes I just want to shout that from the rooftop and throw things and kick things, just to make myself maybe feel better. I'm sorry you are on this journey, but know you are not on it alone!
ReplyDeleteUgh! I charted for a while, and initially I thought it was interesting, but I stopped when I realized that it was more stressful than useful (for me).
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about going through this all together, except not. The burden lays so much more heavily on the woman when it comes to fertility issues. I've tried to do a better job meeting myself where I am lately, and to stop expecting that I should feel differently about this or that. I hope you can too. It does help a bit.
I'm sorry you are having such a crap time :|I know how hard it can be. I don't have PCOS, but I do have Endo and it is not fun to deal with. I ovulate all the time but I have so much scar tissue that it blocks my tubes... I have often hated my body - Cheers to a better tomorrow. You are allowed to feel pissed, angry and upset, this is why you Blog - It is a safe place to vent :)
ReplyDeleteOh, girl I think I've written this post myself several times! From the CBEFM woes, not ovulating to the frustration of feeling like I'm doing this alone! My body gears up to ovulate over and over and I get CM intermittently which just confuses everyone. I'm pissed today too, and I'm pissed for you! GRRRRRR!
ReplyDeleteMy mom always says, "It will all work out; it always does." :) I feel angry for you! A therapist I saw years ago told me it can be therapeutic to beat up a stuffed animal when you feel that way, just to get the anger out. I say Mr. Teddy Bear has it coming!
ReplyDeleteGrr...why does the normal comment box NEVER show up on your blog for me? Sorry for always leaving my comments as "Replies."
DeleteAnyhow...it is TOTALLY NORMAL to feel angry when going through this! I have never hated my body so much as I do now going through this struggle to become a mother. It feels like such a failure. I have started researching more yoga poses for healing and stress relief and many of them also say they stimulate the ovaries and/or blood supply to the abdomen. We'll see if they help my mood AND my reproductive issues!
Ah Lindsay I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough day. I don't think you're jumping the gun at all. Despite having wacky cycles I think sometimes we just know our bodies and what's happening. Intuition I suppose. This stuff is incredibly hard on our relationships - it's an awful lot to shoulder. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHello Lindsay. I found you on the Stirrup Queen's blog and thought I would say hi to a new blogger.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to send you a little support as you drag yourself through the crap that is IF. It's so normal to feel angry, envious, and frustrated in having to go through all of this just to be able to do what it seems every other female can do. And it DOES feel like you do it on your own. In fact, I have a post on hold about that very topic.
I just want you to know that you are not completely alone. There are SO many of us out there (unfortunatly) and this community can be of huge help when you find yourself flailing.
Here is my blog address if you want to come visit:
http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/
Alissa
I know how you feel. Waiting is torture no matter what part of the cycle you're in...and waiting for ovulation is even more frustrating because there's no limit to how long you could wait for it. At least the 2 week wait is only 2 weeks :)
ReplyDeleteI remember getting so frustrated with The Hubby because he wasn't "doing" anything and I was doing everything. Even though there wasn't much for him to do. With IUI and him giving the injections and his sperm it makes me feel like he's more involved...but the girl still gets the short stick! I'm sorry you're feeling like you do...I've been there. About once a month ;)
Don't apologies for being angry hun, that's what we are here for. To share and support you in your anger, sadness or joy. Vent away!!
ReplyDeleteWow, felt like so many things that I have wanted too say too! I like you haven't been on this journey as long as some and I feel guilty at times for my anger because I sometimes feel it isn't validated. I completely understand about the frustration with not ovulating because I'm still waiting although my RE thinks I am producing eggs, baby steps I guess. I refuse to buy OPK's anymore because I was throwing money right out the window. I hope you feel better and don't apologize for being angry because we have all been there.
ReplyDeleteI think we've all been in this place. I hope it passes quickly though because being stuck angry and mad- isn't fun.
ReplyDeleteI hated my body until recently. It's failed me miserably in trying to create a baby, but I've started to turn a corner on this way of thinking. I've started to thank my body for what it does right, for what it has allowed me to do so far (not just with this stuff, but with everything), and to nourish and encourage it as much as possible. Our bodies aren't broken, they just take a beating being our vehicles to move around this world.