Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

I fell into the stupid trap again.  CD 30, BBT dipped a little and came back up, and I couldn't ignore that tiny bit of hope in my head saying "Maybe you're pregnant."  So, I run out to the store this morning, buy a test, rush into work, poas, and within 30 secs it says "Not pregnant."  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do we (IFers) do this to ourselves?  Do I simply forget that the urologist gave us only a 2-3% chance of conceiving on our own, do I just want so badly to not have to start shots and b/w, and u/s that I give in to the little hope there is?  I have never seen a "+" or a "pregnant" on a test before, and to be honest I have this horrible, terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I never will (I know it is dramatic and probably not how I will always feel, but right now it is and has been since the day I threw away the damn BCP.)  After 16 months of trying I have still yet to freakin see one.  What the hell do we do if we never see one??

I feel like as soon as people hear a couple is beginning fertility procedures they immediately want to congratulate you and tell you how excited you should be.  I am NOT excited.  Yes, I want to get all of this started and yes I am up at night hoping that it works, but I am NOT excited.  This should not be the way we (or anyone else) has to conceive.  I am so grateful that there are medical procedures/technologies like IUI and IVF, but no one should HAVE to go through it.  No one should have to be excited about it.  Today is one of those days where it just seems so unfair, how did I surive these last 16 months?  How do people survive years of this?  I know most of these feelings are because AF is due tomorrow morning but it just doesn't seem fair...


Just got back from dinner with C.  I wrote the first part of this post before our dinner.  I am not sure if I would call her as much a "best friend" as I would a life-long friend.  We grew up across the street from each other for most of our childhood/teenage years.  She was a year older than me and we spent endless amounts of time together growing up.  We fought, called each other names, drove each other in the car when we got our licenses, went on dates together, and often times she was the reason I missed my curfew.  But, she was also the friend standing outside the bathroom door rooting me on as I tried to use a tampon for the first time!  We lost touch off and on throughout the years, but she is the one friend I have always been able to pick up the phone and talk to without worrying about how much time has passed.  And now that I think about it, we have both been there for the others most important moments in life.

I was in her wedding almost 6 years ago and she was in mine almost 3 years ago.  She had twins almost 4 years ago through an IUI.  She was diagnosed with PCOS years and years ago, and they knew it was going to be difficult for her to have a baby so after only trying 3 months on her own, she got pregnant after her first IUI with twins!  She was put on bedrest and I remember going to the hospital to visit her throughout my summer vacation.  When I went in for my HSG, she was the one standing next to me holding my hand as I thought I was going to pass out from anxiety.  I guess you could say I am pretty lucky to have her in my life, maybe I should tell her that one of these days except that I think she already knows...

Anyway, we went out for dinner and drinks tonight and although I felt crummy and still feel crummy, I feel a little better.  She validates my feelings, doesn't compare them to other peoples.  She keeps calling or as she says "stalking."  Even when I don't pick up the phone for days or don't return calls, she keeps calling.  C doesn't compare what I am going through to what she went through, she lets me just talk, complain, bitch, and oddly enough she doesn't tell me everything will be ok because she doesn't know what is going to happen.  She doesn't know what these next few months have in store for us and neither do we.  But what she does remind me of is how much I have to lean on her and my mom.

In these next few days I will have my first ever internal u/s.  I know, crazy, C thought so too.  How have they not checked out my ovaries yet? Yes I have had multiple pelvic exams and lots of bloodwork done, but no u/s.  Even when I was on two months of clomid and mentioned to my OB I would like one, still NOTHING!  So, now on top of everything else I have this dreadful fear that my ovaries are full of cysts or they are going to find something that is going to cancel this cycle, ughh that would be devastating!  Let's hope I wake up with my AF tomorrow and I can get this freaking thing going, enough talking about it already...it's enough to drive a person crazy (although I think I am already there!)